Sunday, July 17, 2011

Broken Hymen

My fucking dealer isn't answering his fucking phone. The other person I go through is a mid person and she can't get ahold of her dealer either. What are they taking Sunday's off?

I want to have sex really bad. I have my period though. I don't have anyone to have sex with. I could go to a bar and pick up some dispicable man.

My MP3 keeps playing songs twice in a row. Its really getting on my nerves. Listening to Elliott Smith. My nose keeps running, my eyes watering, I keep sneezing, my muscles ache, I have bowel problems. I'm in hell. That gun is looking pretty and shinny. Just put the damn bullet in the chamber Anna. All this shit will be done with. Where the fuck are your guts. In school was knowen as the person who would try anything. I once jumped off the roof of the school on a bet, I ran through a bar naked with a beer box on my head on a dare. Now I can't even pick up a gun and do myself in. I can take chances with sharing needles, that's no problem. It seems to be no problem to everyone I shoot dope with. Some will ask does anyone have anything, I always pop up and tell them I have Hep C as does the other guy I usually share with, and still they use the needle. I wonder if I don't off myself if I'll die of Hep C?

Come on dealer answer your phone! I've been blowing up his phone for hours. I've tried to sleep away the day, but another side effect of not using when your a junkie is insomina. I just walked away from blogging for an hour and still no answer. I've been calling him since 11am. Can't he just answer and say he can't do it today? This is what sucks about Green Bay. Only two dealers that I know of. Well three, but one I don't really know.

1 comment:

Gledwood said...

I wanted to say this before but bad memory and lack of an internet connection intervened: I know someone pretty well who has HIV and I can tell you although these people appear normal being on HIV meds is no picnic. They eat up methadone for a start, so you'd need up to 200mg just to feel what another person would get off 50mg - and DON'T rely on a drug clinic to understand that one, especially in America. HIV+ status fucks up your ability to travel. A lot of countries will not let you in just for having it. The pills MUST be taken at set times, usually with food, which means you MUST eat dinner whether or not you feel like it and most people cannot bear to take the full dose all at once even where there is an option - it just makes them too nauseated. I have known this guy have to park up his car and wait all afternoon just because he is too sick to drive home. If you want to kill yourself there are far nicer ways of doing it than HIV it really is a nasty infection. You think the world hates you? You would get even less sympathy and less love online if people thought you were HIV+. Just don't go there and don't do it. I have done stupid things because I wanted to give myself fewer reasons to live. Now I'm just left with the consequences of desperation.

My hair does look pretty fucking cool though.

+ I'm depressed out of my mind. I'm only writing this evening because I've had a hit. 10 days "clean" on methadone and WHOOPEE I used. What's new...