I finally got a hold of my dealer. I feel much better. I had no money, but my friend shared with me. At the moment I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I'm trying to watch a film called Magic Bus, about Ken Keasy and Neil Cassidy Its about the bus trip they both took with a bunch of beats, band hippies from LA to NYC.Just writing this is hard for me, everything is blurry. Fuck my dad just walked in and I was nodding out. Fuck I hate this.
Today I appealed my denial to be a client at the Methadone clinic. I had to write a letter to the head honcho, and then they take the letter before the Doctors. I called the Appleton clinic and they denied me because I live in Green Bay and they said there was to much clinic hopping. I doubt my appeal will work. I wrote the letter out fast, and at the end said, I pray that you take me back, my life hangs in the balance.
For me the Methadone helps to keep me as straight as I've been since 17. I remember hating it while I was on it. Mainly because I couldn't get high on it. That was a good thing for me though, I didn't use very much on it, when I was on a high dose. Of course in Hawaii I was on a low dose, and could get high without spending tons of money. Am I just fucking up my life more and more? I do want to get clean I want to stop this madness. I think a gun is my only true way out of addiction. The big sleep.
I wonder if after you die, a part of the brain dreams, and that's what makes up heaven or hell, how good the dream is or how horrifying. The brain is a mysterious organ. We could think it is dead, but perhaps its just working in a different way/ Then again I googled photos of shot gun blasts to the head, and some of their brains are almost all gone. How could that work, how could it be alive on a different pane when its all over the walls? Unless the brain keeps working even when in pieces or outside the body. Who knows what happens when you die.
I found a bar that I actually feel comfortable in. Its called the crusty Frog. Its definitely my scene, and a great juke box.
They actually have Elliott Smith on the juke box. You don't even have to do an Internet search for it. Its right there with rest of the music already downloaded on the juke box. They have the Pixies, Morphine, L7, Bikini Kill, Nirvana etc.I like to go to the bar when I'm having cravings and have too little money to buy dope , but enough to get drunk.
I've got to end this post. I have more to tell you, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow.