Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I'm giving up on life

I was denied at the Methadone clinic again. There is no way I can go back. I'm damned. I guess its back to suboxone. I'm through with dope, too much lieing, scheming, cheating, stealing, everything wrong a person can do, I do. I just don't know that I can live without knowing I'll never feel that high again.

Heroin is like having the key to a room, and in that room is everything you want out of life and the afterlife. You want to keep that key so you can go back into that room.

If there is reincarnation I want to come back as a plant. As I believe being a junkie is like being a plant. Alive, but not feeling. Dieing without worry. No suicide, no love, no hate, just thirst,  hunger, and sunlight. Right now I hate the sunlight. I curse it everyday it shines. I want to live in the Pacific Northwest were its gray almost all the time.

I need a job, I need to write more, read more. I need to stop blogging so much, and journaling. Just reliving my usage. The last thing I need to do.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Offing yourself should be your last resort. It seems there are still other options on the table, things you haven't tried before. You know if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten... So how about the geographical cure? I know you moved to Hawaii but that was with your parents, how about you move far away from your folks and see what happens? Why don't you try going to church, finding god, and let jesus cure you? Maybe you could start reading books about recovering from addiction instead of ones that glamorize wallowing in it. You've already tried psychiatry, so you can cross that one off the list... I actually tried all of those myself, except the church one, and although they didn't work for me, you might have better luck.
In any case, leave no stone unturned before you decide to kill yourself (and your parents, by proxy). And then, when you've tried everything anyone can think of, and you're still addicted to opiates and absolutely fucking miserable, and you wake up one morning and know you can't live like this for one more day, take your ass to detox, to rehab, to the 12 steps. And just do it, even though it sucks and you hate it and you think it won't work and you don't believe in god anyway and it's all bullshit. Do it because you've tried everything else and you don't want your parents to have another dead daughter. Miracles happen, and belief is not a prerequisite Anna. Why be a junkie when you can be a miracle?

Anonymous said...

you are a lying cunt train wreck and I bet you are full of shit and not even using.. lying twat

Anonymous said...

You are a waste of human life.

Scott said...

I agree wholeheartedly with Anonymous 1. I think if I lived in Wisconsin I would feel the same way you do. Head down south, hit some coastal area and realize you don't have to sponge off your parents. And they'll realize they don't have to treat you like a 15 year old.

Adrianna said...

Non have do crazy things.Write more books and stay out from trouble.
You like to lie.Can do nothing for that.
Stay busy.

Gledwood said...

I tried to write a reply days ago but the fucking neighbours' broadband is so dodgy I can barely ever get on it.

Are you sure you want to be on methadone? Did you really feel better than on nothing physically or was it just mentally. Doctors just will not acknowledge that opiates have other effects than the ones they're prescribed for. You only have to look in a Victorian medical book to see that laudanum, which is opium in brandy, was given at the insane asylum on a frequent basis to manic-depressives in particular! I'm not saying opiates are a good idea because once you've learned to live with them you unlearn how to live without them. I wanna learn how to live without them I'm fed up of drugs I think they have done my brain in.

If there were such a thing as reincarnation knowing my luck I would come back as the Aids virus(!)

Anonymous said...

quote: "Drugs took her gift, her soul, her light, long before they took her life. "

Gledwood said...

you don't blog too much!
you don't blog anything like enough as it is. so start blogging more

SuzyQ said...

Anna, Nothing from you in many days, possibly you are detoxing and like anon said, why be a junkie, when you can be a miracle!?!? Kicking heroin is like a walk in the park, compared to the methadone! You are young and can do it, if YOU want it bad enough!