I was denied at the Methadone clinic again. There is no way I can go back. I'm damned. I guess its back to suboxone. I'm through with dope, too much lieing, scheming, cheating, stealing, everything wrong a person can do, I do. I just don't know that I can live without knowing I'll never feel that high again.
Heroin is like having the key to a room, and in that room is everything you want out of life and the afterlife. You want to keep that key so you can go back into that room.
If there is reincarnation I want to come back as a plant. As I believe being a junkie is like being a plant. Alive, but not feeling. Dieing without worry. No suicide, no love, no hate, just thirst, hunger, and sunlight. Right now I hate the sunlight. I curse it everyday it shines. I want to live in the Pacific Northwest were its gray almost all the time.
I need a job, I need to write more, read more. I need to stop blogging so much, and journaling. Just reliving my usage. The last thing I need to do.