Sunday, July 10, 2011

lick me up.

Screw it, I can't hide my new blog, so I'm just going to tell you whats going on. I've been using again. I have some friends that would let me move in with them for only 150 dollars a month. I just can't figure out how to tell my parents that I'm moving out. I have it really good here aside from being treated like a teenager. I know my parents have no reason to trust me, and only want the best for me. I'm just finding this addiction very hard to over come.

There is this rehab in California called Passages, and they don't believe in the 12 steps program. I don't believe in the 12 steps either, and I really want to go to this rehab. There is no way me nor my parents would be able to afford it.  I always see commercials for it during intervention. I wish there were more treatment programs that didn't involve the 12 steps. I have step on down, I know I have a problem, and my life has become unmanageable. Drugs have a hold on me. I'm letting my parents down, I'm letting my family down. I wish I would just over dose.

I spent all my money for this month, so I'm going to have to go sick until the first. A good time to quit, don't you think. I'll be over the sickness in three to four days, but then comes the cravings. I find the cravings the hardest to overcome. Don't get me wrong being sick sucks, and I'm a big baby when it comes to it. I do have a friend who helps me out when I'm craving really bad. 

Lately I haven't been able to find a single vein, so I've been skin popping all my shots. It really sucks. I'm so inpatient. I'm sure if I sat there and took the time I could find a vein, but I just want that high. My friend has this one vein that he's been using ever since he started shooting up, and it still gushes. I used to have this on gusher, now there is so much scar tissue over it, that the needle would have to be two inches long ( maybe not that long) still I would need a long needle to get through all that tissue. The veins on my hands are all cashed. Plus I can't go into my hands because my parents would notice right away.

My parents said this time if they find out I'm using they are calling the cops. I don't think you can go to jail just for being high. They have to find drugs on you, or syringes, a spoon with cotton in it that has traces of H still in it. I never leave paraphernalia laying around. I never use at my house. I found a secret location to use. I never get so high that I'm nodding out during the day, I wait until my parents are asleep.

I know if I moved out, my parents they would be disappointed, and worried. I'm thinking of going to the diversion house, its for people with mental illnesses. Since I have bi polar, and when I was in Brown County Mental Health they told me if I wanted I could have a bed there. That is if I had decided not to go to rehab. Instead I opted for rehab. STUPID! I was there less than twenty four hours. What the hell is going through rehab again going to do for me. A flippen 12 step rehab for Christ sake. I know that they tell you if you want to stay clean you have to go to meetings. I mean NA or AA meetings. I hate talking about my drug use when I'm not using. All it does is make me want to use. Sitting in a group all day talking about how using has ruined our lives, and having asshole patients aka clients "carefront" you and tell you what they think is hindering you from staying sober bugs the heck out of me. I have no idea how people get through 28 days of treatment. Plus there is no treatments around here that are duel diagnosis. The closest one is in Madison. I had a bed there once, but like the idiot that I am, I didn't go. Still it was a 12 step program. I hate to repeat myself, but I just don't believe in the 12 steps.

They say, at around forty years old people get sick of being an addict, and that's when they really want to make a change. For whatever reason I just don't want to change who I am. Even though I hate myself. I think that if H were legal I wouldn't hate myself so much. I feel like such a loser that a substance has such control over me, and I'm consistently disappointing the people I love.

I've been sharing needles and cookers. I don't care if I get HIV. Actually I want HIV. I'd probably still outlive my parents. I know that sounds sick, and demented. Don't get me wrong I feel bad for those people out there who are HIV+ or have AIDS and wish they negative. I just don't deserve to be healthy. Still getting HIV would devastate my parents and family members. I wish my family would give up on me. I just want to be free. If Jose would have never robbed that damn store I would be free. I had moved out, and was doing just fine. My dad still called three or four times a day, but I was free to do as I pleased. Its not as if I were doing good, God fearing things, like going to church every Sunday, and reading the bible on my free time. I was getting H, using H, finding money for H, and then repeating the routine.

Jose wasn't really my boyfriend, he was more of a using partner. We looked out for each other. When one of us didn't have money to score, the other one did. Then he started using Coke, and in my opinion coke leads to nothing but jail. Its the worst drug there is out there. That's the drug snob talking. Still every experience I've ever had with coke has lead to a jail cell. So I stay as far away from that stuff as I can. If I were to move out, and one of my roommates started using coke I would be out of there so flippen fast. I would go to the homeless shelter.

If I did move out I wouldn't be able to blog very often. Like I blog a lot right now. I've been busy figuring out a way to get high. I would still go to the library and update this damn thing every now and again.

Oh yes, when I tried to commit suicide on here, so many of you said you wouldn't follow my blog anymore, and I've gained three readers. I was sure I would lose at least half my readers, but I didn't. I perhaps lost some of my lurkers. I know I pissed off a lot of people with my first apology by telling everyone to fuck off. I just felt like that at the time. I felt like why the hell do you people care so much if I live or die? All I am to you is words on a voodoo screen. A bad writer. A illiterate book writer. I got so many mean comments after I told everyone to fuck off that I just started reading my comments again. I still have a ton of haters out there. I don't get why everyone still calls me fat? I've lost almost 70lbs. I weigh one hundred and forty pounds now. I haven't posted any photos, because I pawned my camera. I fit into a size 6 jeans. I still wear a size 38 C bra. I still have a bubble but. Probably why so many black men hit on me. Not that I don't like the attention. As most of you can tell from my blog I'm an attention whore. The number one thing I hate about my personality. I hate other attention whores, and when I see it in someone else it makes me sick, and to know I have that character flaw bothers me to no end. So, point is when you call me fat it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore. I'm finally thin. Not as thin as I'd like to be, I'd like to be 120lbs. Wear a size two. If I keep on going as I am on H, I will be down to a size zero. They say coke makes you skinny, but I find H makes me skinner. As soon as I get a new camera I will put new photos of my new body. And no I don't have extra skin. My skin shrunk back to it original size. I do have stretch marks on my thighs, and lower back, and a few on my stomach next to my belly button. I've has stretch marks on the sides of my breasts since I got breasts. They aren't bad though. The ones on my thighs and lower back, and stomach are not dark, or thick, they are light and thin. Thank God.

Its really hot here in Green Bay WI. If I move out I won't have air conditioning, or cable TV anymore. I will still have my cell phone, because I pay for that. I would miss my baby girl Eleanor Rigby, but I know she's in good hands.

Drugs, drugs, moving out, losing weight, admitting I'm an attention whore, blah, blah. I wonder how someone can read this crap. Actually I just looked at my visit lenghtes, and I'm at 61% less than 5secs. Normally I'm at around 50 to forty for less than 5 seconds. Maybe its because I haven't been keeping up on my blog much, or its because I've lost a lot of readers due to my stupidity. As you can tell I'm really stupid, I couldn't even create a new blog without linking it to this one. As an anon commenter pointed and called me an idiot.

I know my family is going to read this and be all up in my business. Just kick me out of the house. Make me fend for myself. I've been spoiled and babied for too long. I need to learn to make it in the real world. I know I'm lucky to have a family that cares so much for me, I just feel like I'm being smothered.

Just out of curiosity how many of you have bought my book, I Hate Myself and Want to Die? I know those of you who read the preview I blogged that was unedited left many people thinking "my god this book is the worst". Well the book has been edited, I'm not saying its the best book in the word. Its definitely not even one of the top million. I know I've sold 800 books so far, it tells you how many you sold on mytrafford.com you need to know my email and password. I was just wondering if anyone who reads this blog bought the book. If I knew how to put up a link I would. Gledwood put up an advertisement on his blog (thank you for that Gleds) Still I don't know how to put up a link where you can just click on the picture of the book and be brought to Amazon or Barns and Noble, or even Trafford.com.

My book still isn't on ebook. It says its still in production. You would think it would be easier to publish an ebook, than to publish a paperback. The ebook is only going to cost 9.99 US dollars. The paperback costs 15.04 US dollars. I don't know if this will get you to buy the book, but if you would like I'm willing to sign them. If you would like me sign the book just email me at younganna@ymail.com and I'll give you my home address, and I'll sign my name, and thanks for buying the worst written book in the world. It is a first edition. I know that a local book store called the Attic bought 40 books, but they got the bulk rate which means I only make 15% roalityes, otherwise I make 20% roalityes.

 
I think if you click on that, it will bring you to www.amazon.com and you can buy the book in paperback if you like.
 
I hate the picture on the front. First off the wrists are slit the wrong way. I wanted the picture on the back cover to be the picture on the front cover. Instead the production people wanted that cover. They thought the picture of the girl hanging herself was too macabre, but a picture of hand with slit wrists isn't? WTF. I think it looks too much like a Million Little pieces. Which by the way, was a much better book. Oh yes, I have the book under fiction, because I used real names in it. It is a memoir. Most of it is true, but some parts have been embellished. Like pulling down my sweat pants in Pete's car and stashing a cigarette cellophane with Valium in it and putting it in my "glorious vagina" I actually put the Valium up my crotch before Pete even got there to pick me up and bring me to turn myself in. Also the part about picking my nose and eating it when I got out of jail, not true. I did pick my nose, and wipe it in the smoke shack, but I stopped eating my boogers when I was 5. Yeah right! Gross I know. A good booger is tasty every now and again.
 
With that, I just really want to say I'm sorry again. I want to thank my close cyber friends, Gleds, Guy in the silk taffeta dress, Sarcastic Bastard, Tatyanna, and all you anonymous lurkers, even the haters. I write my journal online because I love attention.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I didn't call you an idiot. I have enough couth to merely imply it.

elizabeth said...

Anna, I see this ending badly if you don't get it together soon.

Adrianna said...

I no want read you like have diseases.Why you non want be heelthly?
You write to much about died.Why nobody help you?

Susie said...

You are not alone, I feel the same way a lot. Living is hard and dying seems like the easy road because you don't have to fight anymore. I don't want HIV because you get those sores. I think the best way for me to go out is to die from liver cancer from Hep C because at least they'll give me good pain killers. I wish I had some cheery advice for you, "You can turn your life around" or "One day at a time" but if I can't follow that advice, how I can suggest it to you?

Mal said...

Anna, sign up at Amazon Associates (https://affiliate-program.amazon.com/) and you will be able to post picture links to your book here on your blog. What's more, you'll earn a referral fee (5-9%) for everyone that clicks through and buys *anything* during that visit.

All the best.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Love you, Anna.

SB

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
we love you.
j.

Anonymous said...

you dont have to believe in the 12 steps for them to work, you just have to do them and your life will get better than you ever thought.

Put your pride and know all ego to the side and accept help. The mind of an addict/alcoholic(you) is insane, saying it wants help, but help on my terms. Your terms don't work. They never will. Give up and follow someone through the steps. There's nothing to figure out, you just have to do them exactly as laid out in the AA book.

Meetings where people talking about their drug use and problems are not AA meetings. Goto a solution based meeting and you will find a solution.
BBstep study's and speaker meetings.
Stay away from NA and discussion meetings. Im a herion addict and you are right, those meetings are sick. Find a good aa meeting and someone talking about the steps and you will find your solution. It will work for you, even though you dont believe it will, just like it did for me. Find the willingness or you will stay sick, and get sicker.

Anonymous said...

AA is not a bunch of people sitting around talking about their problems.

AA is a book, with precise instructions on how we can recover from the hopeless state of mind we as alcoholics and addicts suffer from.

Meetings are meant to carry the message of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. The people who have had the spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, are the people carrying the message of the book. These are the people that can take you through the book(the steps) so that you can recover from your hopeless state of mind. Its not easy, and is always going to be a program of action, but its well worth it.

If you are anything like me i would use until it got to bad, then quit, until that got to bad, then start using again, and so on and so on.

I would believe everytime i stopped using that this time i could stay stopped. But i couldn't. No human power could save me. I was beyond human aid, but i didn't believe in "god". But when the pain got great enough, all i did was become willing to believe in a power greater than myself, and that higher power took it from there.

step one:
powerlessness = i cant control the amount i use when i start. I also, no matter what i do, can't stay stopped.

unmanagablity =
1. We were having trouble with personal relationships,
2. we couldn't control our emotional natures,
3. we were a prey to misery and depression,
4. we couldn't make a living,
5. we had a feeling of uselessness,
6. we were full of fear,
7. we were unhappy,
8. we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people

There is a design for your life laid out perfectly in the AA Book. Have the courage to take the steps to your own salvation. It is far better than your mind will allow you to see.

God, help me to see that a life lead based on self-knowledge can hardly be a success. That I need an outside source of spiritual strength and power to overcome all obstacles that will always crop up in the path of coming home to You. Without first understanding that self-reliance has failed me can I begin to become open to a God reliant life, thus, becoming sober.