Sunday, July 31, 2011

Brown County Mental Health was my home for some time

So you want to know what its like in the nut house. Its fucking depressing. Sure you see a lot of crazy people, some really crazy. Mainly I found thinking about killing myself comfortable. Kept my mind off using.

IN the day room there are two sides a tv on each side. One tv is always on news the second is always on music videos. I watched the music videos. I met a guy in there from my hometown of Oconto Falls who was only 21, but we flirted with eachother on down time which is all the time. He did laps around the facility and he leaned in and kissed me. It was sweet. I was taken aback. This 21 yr old kid had guts.

Then there was the guy always talking to the voices in his head. I never really listened to what he was saying. He was about 90 lbs.I think he was in there for not eating because he got put in the padded room for freaking out at meal time. Meal time is how our days are broken up.

I used. I didn't killl myself. I haven't the guts. I'm cursed to live out this long dull life for eternity. I'm in hell. I'm sick I haven't used in 24 hours. I won't be able to use until Tuesday. May as well kick the  habbit  huh. I thought I had it licked when I got out of the nut house, but I was wrong.

I'm a horriable person. Scared to kill myself with a gun. More afraid of what my parents would have to go through. I miss you Gledwood.

5 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am thinking of you, Anna.

Love,

SB

chipset said...

Yeah, being strung out isn't fun :\ The way you should think about it is, by keeping your tolerance high and taking breaks/not getting tolerant you can actually get higher overall. There's a difference in snorting 30mg oc from high tolerance and low tolerance and that difference is like heaven and hell.

Also, crazy house sounds like fun :)

Anonymous said...

If you're telling the truth about the hospital there is no way you could be strung out again so soon. Actually, I doubt whether you have ever been physically addicted to dope. Using a bag a few times a week doesn't cause the type of wd you claim to have. I'd bet you've never been on mmt either. Someone who has gone through dope addiction would not romanticize it like you do unless they were an idiot. So which is it?

Anonymous said...

I never said I was dope sick in the nut house. I just had the trots, and was mentally craving H.

Yes, I have been strung out before, and I still romanticize it because I love the feeling it gives me. I was also on MMT for, four years. Longer than I was actually strung out on H/Dilauded/Oxycontin. When on MMT I finished a book. I want that stability back of not having to hustle, cop,use when I can go to the clinic every morning and not have physical cravings and it cuts down the mental cravings.

So doubt me all U want. I came home after ODing yesterday, and my parents didn't believe I was drunk. I was brought back too by the people who I was using with. My tolerance was a lot lower than I had estimated. I wish no one was there to save me so I wouldn't have to read idiotic comments like this. SO that I wouldn't have to put up with this life and addiction. So yes I romanticize my addiction, but I hate it too.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
You're not a horrible person.
I wonder why your self image is so distorted.Mine is too, otherwise I wouldn't be in ladies clothes.
At least you had some fun and flirtation in the place.
Take care, try to,
j.