Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Defending my glamorizing of Heroin as a junkie

Last night was an interesting night. I bought 4 bags of H, two for me, one for a girl friend, and one for a guy friend. I also borrowed money to my guy friends girlfriend. As I said in my comment on the last post under anonymous I said I don't have much of a habbit any more. All I get is the shits when I'm out of dope. I usually only do half a shot when I'm using, and I get loaded off it. Yesterday though I did a full shot, 1/4 gram. I missed, and thought I was just really high, until I fell out, and no one could wake me up. They said my breathing was labored, and they through water on my face, slapped me, shook me, through me in the cold shower.
The shower didn't wake me up. Just as they were going to call the ambulance I came too from being so freezing cold and everyone slapping me. I had ODed. Unfortunately there were people around to get me to come around. If I had brought that shot home with me, and took it at around 8pm after my parents went to bed I would be dead right now. I'd be free from this realm of caring that boulder up the hill and then going back down the hill and back up again. I'd be in for the big sleep.

As I said I have another bag of H just waiting for me. I think I'm going to wait 48 hours before I use again,, so I don't get another habit. Just keep a chip. I'm still going to do the bag at around 8pm at home after my parents go to bed. I might even buy another bag just to make sure I don't wake up.

Some may say this is a cry for help. Telling people my plan. This isn't the first time I've ODed. Although it is the first time being shoved in a cold shower and not woken up. It was the most painless way to die. I just stop breathing.

Another thing, is people always say if I were a real junkie I wouldn't glamorize my usage so much. Perhaps I'm not you average junkie. Or should I say chipper now. If only you people could see my track marks, could see how I have no veins left to use. Which is why I had to skin pop yesterday, and didn't fall out in a few seconds. I fell out in a few minutes.

Did I ever say in my post about the nut house that I was going through withdrawals? No, I said I was thinking about using. That I was having cravings. Big difference. Thinking about suicide calms me down. Which is why I'm so calm right now. I probably won't do myself in with that 1/4 of a bag in the next 48 hours.  I'll do half the bag like normal people who don't want to die.

I've lied on this blog before. I said I would never do it again. I swear I will never do it again. I'm just being honest. No more bull shit. I am a junkie, I'm just not strung out anymore. Going to the nut house two times in the past two months has kept me from getting strung out. As a matter of a fact I would rather have a chip than be strung out. Although I still wake up thinking about dope, and fall asleep thinking about dope. I think that would qualify me as a junkie. If you think you have to be stung out to be a junkie then so be it. I've been strung out before, and I know it sucks. I've also detoxed off 140mgs of Methadone in jail. I know what its like to be sick. So sick it seems like your life is going to end.

I'm sick and tired of people questioning my use. Even if I put up  photo with me and a needle in my arm, still some would call bullshit, because I lied twice on here. Once about having relapsed, and once about my own suicide. Two lies. I've always come out and told you I was lieing.

As for the nut house, to go more in depth. Your locked in the phyc ward, nothing to do but read, watch TV, and talk to other crazy people. Some so crazy you can't even hold a conversation with. A lot of the people in there are in there for public drunkenness. So they come in all pissed up, and are let out as soon as they blow zeros. Usually I'm the only girl in there that's not disgusting so I get hit on a lot by the boys, and even some of the girls. The past two times I've been in there, I got four phone numbers, and am now friends with two on Face Book. I even text the 21 year old who kissed me in the hallway. I don't normally keep in touch with the nuts, but this one came from my hometown, and he seemed pretty normal except for the suicidal thoughts.

That's enough defending myself and my drug usage for now. Yes I do glamorize my usage because I love being high. My life seems like less of a shit hole.


Anonymous said...

Anna, Glamorizing your drug use is I.M.O. is crazy, immature, and stupid.
The last time someone mentioned to me how good the tar was, he didn't wake up!!!!
However, I know whatever anyone says, YOU will keep on chippin until you get yourself strung out again. I'd kick heroin anyday vs. done/sub!
Aren't you almost 30 years old? Time to take responsibility for yourself and quit hurting your great parents. They lost a daughter already, don't need to add another one. They deserve better, I'm aware of nosy relatives reading your blog........ maybe it's time you help yourself! No nut house/shrink/groups/whatever will help you. Anna needs to LOVE herself enough to straighten out her life. Doubt I'm the only reader that feels this way. Take care of yourself and try so "soul searching", time to be responsible for yourself.
Take care of yourself, life is very precious and flies by us too damn fast! We have just lost our great nephew who was only 5 weeks old, S.I.D.s we think, my neice who is only 28 & has a 8 year old daughter as well. Praying this doesn't destroy her life, praying for you too, as well as for myself!
BTW, I was in the "hospital" myself, 2 times before my 18th birthday, then once when my parents "commited" me, as I was 18 & could of walked out and they were worried I would "kill myself" with drugs/heroin!

Anonymous said...

The best thing your parents could do for you is to call the local drug enforcement branch, give them Anna's name, phone number, friends phone numbers, dealers phone numbers, and her car tag and any tags of cars she gets into.

Then her parents need to give her $250 and tell her to split.

Call the DEU and get her ass busted.

When she finds out what misery is doing hard time for 5 years maybe she'd wake the fuck up.

Quit doing this to your mom and dad, and moreover at least quit doing this in such a public forum. If you cared about your parents and didn't just want to humiliate them and hurt them, you'd take down this blog and start blogging anonymously. To have published your own name on here was just a terrible thing to do to your folks.

Gledwood said...

You will get a habit back, you know you will if you keep on using. I only use once a week but I'm on a gargantuan methadone dose ~ ie still addicted.

Thanks for writing about the nuthouse.

Anonymous said...

"I also borrowed money to my guy friends girlfriend."

There's no such thing as borowing money TO someone-- you either borrowed FROM someone or lend money TO someone.

Chipping, or even having a habit while living and being taken care of by mommy and daddy is not the "junkie life" that you immaturely glamorize. You have never lived on your own, worked at a job, or paid bills for yourself. Do that with a habit and then you can say how glamorous the life is.

And you say your family reads this blog? What kind of people are they that they read about you using dope again, hanging out with criminals, and planning to kill yourself while doing nothing? It doesn't make sense. And why don't tjey ever comment?

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Listen Anna,
I know how passionately you feel about your convictions and comments here won't ever change that.I accept you unconditionally and love who you are and know that we have a common bond - pain.
We both have Yorkies and love them to no end.
Please read my recent trauma over my Yorkie.
We both are devoted to our pups , maybe more than anything else.Please give me some feedback as I'm in terrible crisis.

Anonymous said...

OK So Im new to reading this blog. and Anna You are messed up Sissta. You gotta get back to writing books. You have played the chipping card what will be next. I rather have you writing some real fiction about your life. You are getting read. Take some serios time off the blog and get writing serious shit. Prose man,life without so much reality.
Ya you got a gift but it is wasted on all the mondane crap, get to some issues of why people turn to dope not so much whaah whaah.

Anonymous said...

I'd bet a million dollars that you've never even done dope. You are just an attention whore and I'm done wasting my time.

Carrion Doll said...

I glamorize as well, even though I have been on the other end where your are shitting yourself and puking your guts out. I have wallowed around in the bath and the bed barely able to stand it, begging my husband to quit being an arse and get me something, anything. I cannot imagine life without opiates at all. Like you i would rather chip than be strung out. And here in Florida dope is not so easy to find so I am hooked on oxycodone. But no matter how bad the bad times get, I still love the short lived good ones. I really do need to find a dope connect though. These lil bullshit 4 hour high are ridiculous.