Last night was an interesting night. I bought 4 bags of H, two for me, one for a girl friend, and one for a guy friend. I also borrowed money to my guy friends girlfriend. As I said in my comment on the last post under anonymous I said I don't have much of a habbit any more. All I get is the shits when I'm out of dope. I usually only do half a shot when I'm using, and I get loaded off it. Yesterday though I did a full shot, 1/4 gram. I missed, and thought I was just really high, until I fell out, and no one could wake me up. They said my breathing was labored, and they through water on my face, slapped me, shook me, through me in the cold shower.
The shower didn't wake me up. Just as they were going to call the ambulance I came too from being so freezing cold and everyone slapping me. I had ODed. Unfortunately there were people around to get me to come around. If I had brought that shot home with me, and took it at around 8pm after my parents went to bed I would be dead right now. I'd be free from this realm of caring that boulder up the hill and then going back down the hill and back up again. I'd be in for the big sleep.
As I said I have another bag of H just waiting for me. I think I'm going to wait 48 hours before I use again,, so I don't get another habit. Just keep a chip. I'm still going to do the bag at around 8pm at home after my parents go to bed. I might even buy another bag just to make sure I don't wake up.
Some may say this is a cry for help. Telling people my plan. This isn't the first time I've ODed. Although it is the first time being shoved in a cold shower and not woken up. It was the most painless way to die. I just stop breathing.
Another thing, is people always say if I were a real junkie I wouldn't glamorize my usage so much. Perhaps I'm not you average junkie. Or should I say chipper now. If only you people could see my track marks, could see how I have no veins left to use. Which is why I had to skin pop yesterday, and didn't fall out in a few seconds. I fell out in a few minutes.
Did I ever say in my post about the nut house that I was going through withdrawals? No, I said I was thinking about using. That I was having cravings. Big difference. Thinking about suicide calms me down. Which is why I'm so calm right now. I probably won't do myself in with that 1/4 of a bag in the next 48 hours. I'll do half the bag like normal people who don't want to die.
I've lied on this blog before. I said I would never do it again. I swear I will never do it again. I'm just being honest. No more bull shit. I am a junkie, I'm just not strung out anymore. Going to the nut house two times in the past two months has kept me from getting strung out. As a matter of a fact I would rather have a chip than be strung out. Although I still wake up thinking about dope, and fall asleep thinking about dope. I think that would qualify me as a junkie. If you think you have to be stung out to be a junkie then so be it. I've been strung out before, and I know it sucks. I've also detoxed off 140mgs of Methadone in jail. I know what its like to be sick. So sick it seems like your life is going to end.
I'm sick and tired of people questioning my use. Even if I put up photo with me and a needle in my arm, still some would call bullshit, because I lied twice on here. Once about having relapsed, and once about my own suicide. Two lies. I've always come out and told you I was lieing.
As for the nut house, to go more in depth. Your locked in the phyc ward, nothing to do but read, watch TV, and talk to other crazy people. Some so crazy you can't even hold a conversation with. A lot of the people in there are in there for public drunkenness. So they come in all pissed up, and are let out as soon as they blow zeros. Usually I'm the only girl in there that's not disgusting so I get hit on a lot by the boys, and even some of the girls. The past two times I've been in there, I got four phone numbers, and am now friends with two on Face Book. I even text the 21 year old who kissed me in the hallway. I don't normally keep in touch with the nuts, but this one came from my hometown, and he seemed pretty normal except for the suicidal thoughts.
That's enough defending myself and my drug usage for now. Yes I do glamorize my usage because I love being high. My life seems like less of a shit hole.