Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I wouldn't be a hero if I wasn't such a zero

It seems to me that the only way I can deal with life is high on heroin. Without it I'm  suicidal maniac. On it I get excited about things again. I can watch TV without being depressed, I get excited about movies. Now I'm missing all that stuff  because all my money is going towards junk.

I'm moving to Greenville North Carolina for three months on the 27th, so hopefully I'll get away from this shit. I'm so sick of myself.  I have a big abscess on my right arm. Now forever I'll have a scar yet another scare to remind me of what a fuck up I am.
If anyone on here who doesn't hate me lives in North Carolina and wants to make a friend a loser friend just email me. I swear I'll make you feel better about yourself.

I'm going with my mom and dad to North Carolina. Fuck am I spelling it wrong? They won't let me stay in their apartment alone again after what happened with Jose and the drugs. The drugs, the drugs, the fucking drugs.

Why don't I play an instrument, I want to be in a band so fucking bad. I've written one song about my dog Eleanor. It goes I got a puppy, I named her Eleanor, I got a puppy I named her Eleanor.

I want to fall in love, and replace that need I feed inside me for love with heroin. I want to kiss in the moonlight. I wanna hold hands in the dark. I want someone who loves Elliott Smith as much as I do. I want someone to help me get inspired to write a good fiction book. Like that's possible. Me writing something good. LOL.

I'm getting so fucking old. I have no life outside of my using. I have no friends outside my using friends. Sign up with evil.  I am evil. The devil has needles in his eyes. I should have needles in my eyes.  I'm just so fucking depressed. I got high today, but its 2am now and its worn off, now I'm down in the dumps.

You know Gledwood, your the only one who has ever stuck by me. Even after I hurt you after my fake suicide. If only we weren't an ocean apart. If only you didn't think me nuts. If only is all it will ever be.

I've been crying in the bathroom. I drop to my knees and just weep. I turn to gold. I freeze. I weep, and weep.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love your song about Eleanor. You should perform it on the Youtube.

You know I love you, Anna.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

By the way, I love Elliott Smith, too. I listen to him a lot.

Gledwood said...

I wish your meds worked for you better. You shouldn't be feeling this bad, you know that?

I love a beautiful ripe abscess. You couldn't post up a picture, could you? Are you going to lance it? My friend Rebsie had a massive one on her leg that exploded and we came round to sort her out. My friend milked all the remaining pus out, which took ages, and I boiled up saline solution to clean out the wound. We did a pretty professional job of it. If it's an ordinary pus-filled abscess you shoul get no permanent scar or a very small one where it bursts.

I have marks that look like burns on me from bad heroin that contained barbiturates. Barbs can set off a kind of skin-death reaction if you miss the vein or like me are stupid and used a vein so tiny it blew. Man I was in agony and I'm not surprised. Even hardened junkies were shocked by my "burn".

I hope you start feeling better soon. XXXXXXX

Gledwood said...

PS I forgot to say, you say I think you're nuts ~ but I think I'm nuts too!

I'm the one with SCHIZO-affective. You're just bipolar. Which means a dr would say I was the screwier of us two. So hey I win the Battle of the Nut-Nuts.

I think you win the Battle of the Depressives though. You seem to have been in depression (more or less) for months...

As for the Battle of the Maniacs... who can tell...?!??

Don't you tend to alternate between periods where you enjoy life a lot more ~ and go into mania ~ and times when you're just depressed and cannot climb out of that? From what you're saying it sounds like you're getting a lot of anxiety and agitation so even when you are hyper you aren't feeling too delicious... Am I right?

I've been researching our condition (because it's pretty much the same thing, despite the names) and found out quite a lot about mood swings and what they do, how they come about, what makes them linger, what makes them go, how intense they are and why etc etc. It's helped me understand my condition a lot. Before I knew what I now know I just could not make sense of why I felt certain ways at certain times but not at others... etc etc. I'm just glad I'm living NOW when there's treatment and help available and not 700 years ago when I'd probably have died a slow lingering death from starvation. Someone who knows me who's American says in America I wouldn't have got the help I got and would just be living under a bridge. Is it really that bad out there? So difficult to get benefits when you can't cope any more? New York always sounded more attractive to me than Lonodn; but not if you have cars rushing through your bedroom when you're trying to sleep!

Gledwood said...

I notice Anonymous has shut the fuck up recently. Maybe Anonymous has just discovered Anonymous's perfect kids actually are on smack after all. That's an incredibly presumptuous comment that particular Anonymous left. I was brought up by churchgoing Christian folk and I still ended up on heroin. And I didn't get a habit until 28 years of age. So Anonymous has quite a lot of years to be undeservedly smug in, until the ugly truth dawns. I wonder what Anonymous will have to say to you then?

Anyway I'm here to press you to POST SOMETHING ELSE. HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU "BLOG TOO MUCH"? I post reams of rubbish every day, as well you know. Yet nobody tells me I "blog too much". They just get off on the Barbra Streisand track of the day, ha har!!