It seems to me that the only way I can deal with life is high on heroin. Without it I'm suicidal maniac. On it I get excited about things again. I can watch TV without being depressed, I get excited about movies. Now I'm missing all that stuff because all my money is going towards junk.
I'm moving to Greenville North Carolina for three months on the 27th, so hopefully I'll get away from this shit. I'm so sick of myself. I have a big abscess on my right arm. Now forever I'll have a scar yet another scare to remind me of what a fuck up I am.
If anyone on here who doesn't hate me lives in North Carolina and wants to make a friend a loser friend just email me. I swear I'll make you feel better about yourself.
I'm going with my mom and dad to North Carolina. Fuck am I spelling it wrong? They won't let me stay in their apartment alone again after what happened with Jose and the drugs. The drugs, the drugs, the fucking drugs.
Why don't I play an instrument, I want to be in a band so fucking bad. I've written one song about my dog Eleanor. It goes I got a puppy, I named her Eleanor, I got a puppy I named her Eleanor.
I want to fall in love, and replace that need I feed inside me for love with heroin. I want to kiss in the moonlight. I wanna hold hands in the dark. I want someone who loves Elliott Smith as much as I do. I want someone to help me get inspired to write a good fiction book. Like that's possible. Me writing something good. LOL.
I'm getting so fucking old. I have no life outside of my using. I have no friends outside my using friends. Sign up with evil. I am evil. The devil has needles in his eyes. I should have needles in my eyes. I'm just so fucking depressed. I got high today, but its 2am now and its worn off, now I'm down in the dumps.
You know Gledwood, your the only one who has ever stuck by me. Even after I hurt you after my fake suicide. If only we weren't an ocean apart. If only you didn't think me nuts. If only is all it will ever be.
I've been crying in the bathroom. I drop to my knees and just weep. I turn to gold. I freeze. I weep, and weep.