So my computer went to shit on me. So know I'm using a hp mini, and I can't get used to the keyboard. I brought my computer in to get fixed they said my memory board wasn't working, or was failing. Which would cost more to fix than to buy a new computer. So my next check from SSDI I'm going to buy a new computer. I also get my royalty check in September. I'm sure it not going to be over 100 dollars. My first one was bigger because everyone I know or have known in highschool and thru jobs has bought the book.
By the way, I got a comment saying that I've never had a hard time as a junkie. I have lived on my own, I have been homeless, I had jobs where all the money went to drugs. I've pawned everything worth anything in the past, I've pan handled, I have had sex for money. I've committed felonies, I've been to jail, I stole money from my boyfriend to buy drugs. If you were to read my book you have a handle on the lifestyle that I glamorize so much. I guess I just like the lifestyle. I'm an outsider. I'm an anti heroine. I'm socially despised underclass of society.
I may be an idiot, and an attention whore, but I find that using the one drug most people won't touch sets me apart from the crowd. In real life I don't talk about my drug addiction much. I wear long sleeves even when Its 100 degrees outside to keep others from seeing that I use needles and have tracks up and down my arms. Although when I'm riding the bus and my sleeve creeps up and I see someone looking at my track marks I find that in a way I'm sorta proud, they can see the wounds of a pain I feel inside and the tracks are the only thing on me that shows that pain inside me. Yet I know that those that see those wounds don't think of a pain deep down inside. All they see is what they want to see.
Just like all you anonymous commenter's who think that I'm stupid, and crave attention in real life. In actuality I'm very quiet and shy. I hate to talk about myself, I hate cutting in on someone who is talking. I hate it when I see someone who is not listening and just waiting for their turn to talk. If you were to meet me in real life you would be surprised. I dress like I'm homeless, I hardly ever wear makeup, I don't brush my hair everyday, I don't use toothpaste when i brush my teeth. I'm the opposite of what you think I am. When in group of people getting their photo taken I duck out. Although I love getting my picture taken. I keep no-one too close to me. I have no attachments to possessions, and non to other people aside from my parents. Although I could pick up and leave today to go to Washington and not be the least bit lonely, or at least no more lonely than I am already. I hate to buy things I don't need. I have one pair of holey jeans, about five black pants, and five t-shirts, and five long sleeve t-shirts. I change my clothes three ties a week, when I shower.
I love Sunday's because I get to be alone and watch Big Brother on CBS, and True Blood on HBO. I prefer to be alone. I prefer to go to the library by bike or bus, and read ALONE, I like to get high alone. Pretty much the only time I want to talk is when I'm high, but I don't expect anyone to listen to me.
You may think you know me, you may think that I'm an attention whore, but this is just a blog. It doesn't represent who I really am. Sure I do have friends, non close friends. I keep people at a distance, even my parents. I love my dog very, very much, but if I had a ticket and knew she would be well taken care of if I left I would pick up and leave her behind. I don't depend on a man for attention, I don't feel like I need a man or a woman to make me worth while. I'm not worth while. I'm not special. When I get a comment that says I'm just an attention whore I laugh to myself. If anyone of you who knew me you'd laugh too. The people who know me laugh at these comments too.
The reason my family doesn't comment on my blog is because they are embarrassed of my blog persona. Sure some of your comments hurt my feelings, mainly when I' getting my period.
My dealer thinks I'm too quiet and at first didn't trust me. I wish I were less introverted, everyone seems to be having more fun than I am. I realize this is my fault. The only place I can really cut loose is in words. Its why I keep a journal, its why I blog, it why I keep 20 note books full of short stories with a chacter named Victoria. She is my alter ego. When I become manic I'm more like my alter ego Victoria.
I like True Blood so much, is because I want to be Sookie. She's perfect in my eyes. I like to read Sookie's stories.
I've been using again, still just a chip, but if I keep it up I'll be a strung out junkie again.