Monday, August 8, 2011

You think everything is a lie. It is not.

So my computer went to shit on me. So know I'm using a hp mini, and I can't get used to the keyboard. I brought my computer in to get fixed they said my memory board wasn't working, or was failing. Which would cost more to fix than to buy a new computer. So my next check from SSDI I'm going to buy a new computer. I also get my royalty check in September. I'm sure it not going to be over 100 dollars. My first one was bigger because everyone I know or have known in highschool and thru jobs has bought the book.

By the way, I got a comment saying that I've never had a hard time as a junkie. I have lived on my own, I have been homeless, I had jobs where all the money went to drugs. I've pawned everything worth anything in the past, I've pan handled, I have had sex for money. I've committed felonies, I've been to jail, I stole money from my boyfriend to buy drugs. If you were to read my book you have a handle on the lifestyle that I glamorize so much. I guess I just like the lifestyle. I'm an outsider. I'm an anti heroine. I'm socially despised underclass of society.

I may be an idiot, and an attention whore, but I find that using the one drug most people won't touch sets me apart from the crowd. In real life I don't talk about my drug addiction much. I wear long sleeves even when Its 100 degrees outside to keep others from seeing that I use needles and have tracks up and down my arms. Although when I'm riding the bus and my sleeve creeps up and I see someone looking at my track marks I find that in a way I'm sorta proud, they can see the wounds of a pain I feel inside and the tracks are the only thing on me that shows that pain inside me. Yet I know that those that see those wounds don't think of a pain deep down inside. All they see is what they want to see.

Just like all you anonymous commenter's who think that I'm stupid, and crave attention in real life. In actuality I'm very quiet and shy. I hate to talk about myself, I hate cutting in on someone who is talking. I hate it when I see someone who is not listening and just waiting for their turn to talk. If you were to meet me in real life you would be surprised. I dress like I'm homeless, I hardly ever wear makeup, I don't brush my hair everyday, I don't use toothpaste when i brush my teeth. I'm the opposite of what you think I am. When in  group of people getting their photo taken I duck out. Although I love getting my picture taken. I keep no-one too close to me. I have no attachments to possessions, and non to other people aside from my parents. Although I could pick up and leave today to go to Washington and not be the least bit lonely, or at least no more lonely than I am already. I hate to buy things I don't need. I have one pair of holey jeans, about five black pants, and five t-shirts, and five long sleeve t-shirts. I change my clothes three ties a week, when I shower.

I love Sunday's because I get to be alone and watch Big Brother on CBS, and True Blood on HBO. I prefer to be alone. I prefer to go to the library by bike or bus, and read ALONE, I like to get high alone. Pretty much the only time I want to talk is when I'm high, but I don't expect anyone to listen to me.

You may think you know me, you may think that I'm an attention whore, but this is just a blog. It doesn't represent who I really am. Sure I do have friends, non close friends. I keep people at a distance, even my parents. I love my dog very, very much, but if I had a ticket and knew she would be well taken care of if I left I would pick up and leave her behind. I don't depend on a man for attention, I don't feel like I need a man or a woman to make me worth while. I'm not worth while. I'm not special. When I get a comment that says I'm just an attention whore I laugh to myself. If anyone of you who knew me you'd laugh too. The people who know me laugh at these comments too.

The reason my family doesn't comment on my blog is because they are embarrassed of my blog persona. Sure some of your comments hurt my feelings, mainly when I' getting my period.

My dealer thinks I'm too quiet and at first didn't trust me. I wish I were less introverted, everyone seems to be having more fun than I am. I realize this is my fault. The only place I can really cut loose is in words. Its why I keep a journal, its why I blog, it why I keep 20 note books full of short stories with a chacter named Victoria. She is my alter ego. When I become manic I'm more like my alter ego Victoria.

I like True Blood so much, is because I want to be Sookie. She's perfect in my eyes. I like to read Sookie's stories. 

I've been using again, still just a chip, but if I keep it up I'll be a strung out junkie again.

10 comments:

Gledwood said...

Is it purely personality, or is depression keeping you quiet? I ask that because I used to be exceptionally shy and I went away to uni aged 19 (a year later than normal basically because I couldn't commit to going, was scared... etc etc) when I was there I got very depressed but also lonely. I was and am a loner but back then I hurt so bad I couldn't handle being alone. So I went visiting to people who I knew didn't really want me in their room. They just wanted me to piss off and leave them alone but I brought hash with me and that made me just welcome enough if you know what I mean. This was halls of residence where you just knock on someone's door and come in for half an hour anyway. But people who knew me from that time wouldn't recognize me now. They would say I was a lot more confident ~ DESPITE the methadone addiction! When you've had manic episodes did you get very much more sociable? I kind of like babbling away at people and yes I do interrupt a LOT when I'm hyper. Eg I went to an antidrugs meeting (not NA style, the type run by the clinic where an expert chairs it and we chip in) anyway it ended up just me and the guy talking and me trying trying trying my best not to keep saying more and more and never managing it; I was too hyper. I think you've been too bothered by what Anonymouses think. That's very understandable considering Anonymous tells you you are a waste of space who's better off dead then criticizes you for appearing surprised nobody was happy when you were "dead"!!
Anna darling it doesn't matter how hard a time you had. I'll tell you why: because you love heroin and seem willing to sacrifice a lot for it (I would say "almost anything, but that's never true of any addict. There are loads of things most addicts would never do to fund an addiction, whatever anyone says. And loads of things you didn't do and wouldn't do. Eg would you kill someone for $20,000 gear money? I think not.
The only thing that makes me upset reading you is how unhappy you are. But I relate to that. I sometimes believe there is no such thing as true happiness; just drugs and bipolar highs. But I don't know.
Bloody hell it's 6:30am I still haven't slept and I've a fucking methadone clinic appointment in a few hours how I loathe going to those. Well take care darling

xxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

you and gledwood so do yourselves a favor and both fucking shoot each other in the heads at the same time. you are both fucking lame-ass losers who seem to have nothing better to do than write about thier sorry ass lives on a computer and also lie about them. oh boo hoo my life sux and I am bored and I am high...got news for you, your life doesn't suc, you have no fucking life so you may as well just kill each other and make the world a brighter place LOSERS

Gledwood said...

ha ha !!

my life is really good and i'm off drugs so fuck you

anyway anna what you talking about big brother? is that crap still on american tv? our version ran for 10 yrs then got canned. then channel 5 went and bought it so it's still on it's insufferable yes i did used to watch it

hang on anon if you find us so intolerable what the hell are you doing reading. now THAT is sad

go to
http://melodyleeisdamned.blogspot.com

she loves haters

Anonymous said...

You get a monthly check from the tax payers? People have money removed from their hard earned pay so you can collect disability? What is your disability? Damn, you are a real piece of work. Living with your parents and racing to the mail box the first of the month. I can't decide if I'm disgusted or amused by you. Just glad you're not my child. You make me appreciate my daughters. Think I'll slip them each a twenty to buy something. Know it wont end up in their veins. Grow up.

Gledwood said...

Anon: would you rather she spent sick money she's legally entitled to... or robbed your house for gear money?

As for that SSDI or whatever it's called that is her legal entitlement. If you want to protest about where your tax dollars go, I'd have thought the multiple billions squandered on military operations in foreign countries, not to mention nuclear weapons, would be a far better place to start cutbacks than Anna Grace Young with bipolar disorder!

Gledwood said...

Anonymous: 我不喝酒!I do not drink!! Any alcohol at all. So there.

And also 我恨海洛因!So think what you like of me, but that's what I think.

Valerie said...

Gledwood honey 我讨厌白色鸦片 would be a better translation. Our Mandarin-speaking nanny is an ace at language teaching. What she talks to our kids about I've no idea but they bing and bong like nobody's business. Barely speak a word of fucking English though!! I'm trying to get rid of them to a school in Beijing but Brucey keeps bursting into tears at the thought. What he's so sentimental about I've absolutely no idea. Wouldn't YOU want Chinese speaking kids in the new millennium? I think I'm doing totally the right thing. The fact that I haven't got a maternal bone in my body is by the by. This is purely for my childrens' sake and that's what I'll argue till the day I die!

Now Anna my darling are you really giving up the international narcotics trade to become a nanny in Washington DC? Whyever would you want to do that?

Does the government pay you very much in sick money? How come you get it? Is it because you told them you saw and heard a wicked witch cackling over her cauldron? Oh no that was me in prison wasn't it..???

Well prison is just a distant memory here in the balmy afternoons of Southern Australia. Brucey's "personal bruising" is fading after he got hit by that truck bumbling half naked down the street high on crack. Life's still going swimmingly. We have another half tonne of white heroin awaiting delivery on another North Korean resistered vessel. It should be coming into Sydney Harbour at around 0300 hours tomorrow. If you want a couple of units I'm more than happy to sort you out. Did you really use ALL that million milligrams of neat Dilaudid, or did you bash it up and sell it on? Be honest!

O shit I've got to go. The bastard kids are over this evening. We have to spend one evening a month with the litle shits, it's only fair. Hey they'll be off to Beijing before you can say "five hundred kilos of China white!"..!! I'm thinking of getting a parrot instead. Far more entertaining than children. And they don't keep asking you for money!!

Righty ho. Don't take too much heroin now Anna will you!

Your loving friend

Valerie

XoXoXoX

PS is Gledwood in a mental hospital or what? He says that nut-nut medication he's on is giving him silicone tits!

Anonymous said...

Dear anon,
Never ever take anything for granted,as they say,there but for the grace of god go I.So if you want to boast about your happy squeaky clean kids here I'd say ..watch out!!pride before fall an' all....And why on earth do you read about a bi polar junkie,surely you got far more important things to do,like whitewashing your life...?Annie.

Anonymous said...

Anna, I posted earlier this week about the fact that you are obviously smart and why you are not putting your drug seeking energy into schooling. Didnt show up on the blog. Perhaps you deleted as you've heard this advise too many times and find it irrelevant to your mission, which is to get high and stay that way. Or perhaps it's because I'm not as computer savvy as I should be and hit the wrong button. I've been around the block and I can safely say I have never run across a junkie who knew who William S.Burroughs is. Why ya trying to check out so early my dear? The day to day can be a stone cold bore if you allow that to be your day to day. Stop chasing the needle and lift yourself to the next level. You're obviously intelligent. Grow some sense of self. Write a screenplay. GO TO SCHOOL! I believe if you try to surround yourself with learned people you would fit in, hell, they'd embrace you. The drug scene is old and dirty and filled with below average people who not only have given up-they never tried in the first place. You need to try.

Carrion Doll said...

ALOT of what you say about yourself in this blog is also true of me. We are alot alike, especially with being quiet, shy and very lonely.