Thursday, September 29, 2011

Lets talk about HEROIN

I've been going to the Methadone clinic for almost a full week, tomorrow will be a full week. I'm at 40mgs and its not holding me over yet. My mood has improved a 100%. I'm no longer obsessing about Kurt Cobain. A huge deal for me. Jesus H Christ, I can' think of anything to write about.

I do miss getting high, I still have a needle fixation, and have shot up water once. I think I felt a small rush for about three seconds and then nothing. Wait its not that I miss getting high, I'm having cravings. I'm also having sweets cravings. I am being very careful about what I eat and how much. I'm terrified that I will get huge again. I really wish I could put up a before and after photo, but I hawked my camera for dope money.

I've also made the decision to give all the money I get from SSI to my parents. Nearly 700 dollars a month. Our rent is almost 900 dollars a month, so I'll be paying a lot more than half the rent. I also give my food stamp card to my parents, so I'm also paying for groceries. If I get that job at the Veterinarian's office cleaning out cages and staying there over night after an animal has surgery to keep an eye on them, all that money I'll be able to keep. I'll only be getting minimum wage, and I can't work over 20 hours a week or I loose my benefits.

On the 5th of Oct. I bring Eleanor into the vets office to get her blood work she has to get done to go to Hawaii. We have no immediate plans on going to Hawaii, and it takes four months to get the results back, so we won't be able to go  until February 5th. Its good to have it done just in case.

As far as my writing, I'm working on getting a literary agent. The novel is called Here we go again. This one is a true memoir about my childhood, and growing up after the suicide or my grandfather at our house, witnessing my babysitter shoot himself in the head with a shot gun and kill himself a few months later, and seeing my father try to kill himself by hanging the night he found his dad dead in the garage. I go more in detail about my bi polar, how I showed symptoms at age 14, but was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old.

I've sent out the manuscript to four agents so far, and I paid 50 dollars to a friend who works as an editor at my hometown news paper to edit the manuscript. I'm not holding my breath.

I have this reader who had a lesbian dream about me. That's awesome!!! I hope it wasn't someone just kidding with me.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

What would it be like to fuck Mr. Burkouski?

On Friday I began Methadone treatment again. Haven't touched a needle since Thursday, even though my dose is so low I'm still sick, and having intense cravings. I was started at 30mgs, and will be upped 5mgs every three days. Standard practice here in America. My moods have evened out. Unlike Gledwood who went coo coo for coco puffs when he went off heroin and onto Methadone.
Heroin stabilized me when I was using, but it was expensive and I could only use one bag a day, which wasn't enough to keep me stable. I woke up sick every morning, and had to scramble every day for the money to get a bag. Coming up with that money was quite a task, and I ended up doing things for money I never thought I would do again. Things like sleeping with drug dealers, stealing checks from my parents, using all my SSI money for dope. Doing shows for men, which means dancing and getting naked sometimes giving a hand job.

Now that I'm on Methadone, I'm giving all my SSI checks to my parents, for rent, and all other expenses incurred by my living with them. I'm getting a job at a vets office. It will only be a couple days a week, and sometimes spending the night attending to the animals who just had surgery. I do love animals, and think this job will be a good fit. Plus it will get me out of the house once in a while, without going to see my using friends.

I'm also back to reading a book every day or two. I never read the Client before, and am finding very entertaining. Its taking me more than a day to read though. I've also read all the Charles Burkouski books I can find. Man is he a dirty old man, or was a dirty old man. Sorry if I'm spelling his name wrong, I'm too lazy to go to my room and look at the correct spelling.

I got a call from my marketing consultant about my book. Apparently I'm not selling very well, and they want me to do promotions. The set me up with a reading at a book store called the attic. They also want me to pay 500 some dollars to put my book in the New York review to perhaps be picked up by a traditional publisher. I don't know if I want to waste the money, as I know, no publisher in their right mind would pick up my book.  Its crushing to know something you worked so hard on isn't selling. Just goes to show I'm  terrible writer, and have no talent in my pathetic life.

Ha, ha, you asshole Anon can't put me down even more.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Anon commenters are almost all assholes

I used today, and yesterday. Before that I was clean for five days. I noticed when I'm not using, I'm not sick, but I sneeze a lot. What is that all about? Does anyone else experience this? On Monday I go to the Methadone clinic and get my paperwork done, and see the Doctor on October 5th and begin dosing that day. I guess there are a lot of new patients and there is only one Dr. on sight so I have to wait a few weeks before I can dose.

You wonder how I got back in, well I completed an outpatient rehab. I only had to go five times. At least I hope that will do it. My councilor said it would be enough, and the Dr. said it was enough.

That's not really what I wanted to write about. I wanted to write about bullying. Ever since I was in 3rd grade I've been bullied. When I was 14 I had, had enough and tried to kill myself. I took a half a bottle of Tylenol and laid down. Then I started to get nauseous and told my mom what I did and why I did it. When I got back to school after being in a physc ward for two weeks on the children's unit everyone in my class wrote a note that said next time use a gun. I was crushed. I was so ugly, stupid, and useless.

Now on my blog I get the same thing. I don't even read anon comments anymore, because they hurt my feelings. Yes I am a lier, I never denied that, I'm also a thief I never denied that. I'm always the one who gets haters. Its like my place in life is to be hated, even by people who read my online journal. I'm not witty like Melody Lee to come back at the haters with something clever to say.

I don't understand why I incite so much hatred? Why do people read if they hate me so much. After my faked suicide tons of people said they would stop reading, but I get more hits now than I ever did before that. I am disabling anon commenter's again. I don't read them anyway, so if you want to leave a comment you have to sign in.

When I was younger I was not fat, but the kids always said I was fat and ugly. One time my senior year I was walking into school. I had just lost 20lbs, and died my hair blond, I had on a cute expensive outfit. I was feeling pretty good about myself . That is until a car full of boys coming back from lunch driving past me as i was walking back into school, yelled, "Anna, you'll always be ugly" .  I'll never forget that day. From then on I never again bothered to dress nice, or do my hair. Every now and again I'll straighten it, but I never do anything with it aside from brush it the once a week I shower. Mostly though I let it go curly. When it starts to get greasy I put it into a pony tail if I have to go somewhere.

I know this post is going to get the haters commenting. How I should just do away with myself. Well for once in a long while I'm not suicidal

I'm not saying I never bullied anyone. There was this fat girl in our class that I made fun of. She was the only one lower than me popular wise.

I was considered a dork, because I never did my homework, I always sat by myself, and I would read non essential books while the teacher was lecturing. I kept to myself, I wore shitty clothes, band t-shirts, holey jeans, converse high tops, I still dress like this.As you can tell from my photos.

My ten year class reunion was last month, and I didn't show. Even though I lost all the weight I gained, I wrote a book. A shitty book, but a book non the less. I've lived all over the United States, I don't have to work. I know that almost all my classmates on facebook have bought my book.

I'm asking that all you people hate me stop reading my blog.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

drugs, cysts, and such assorted topics.

Well, I made a call to one of my dealers, and what do ya know...they answered. So I've been on a three day binge. Stupid, so fucking stupid. I was doing pretty well off dope and I come back to WI only to start all over again. I gotta get outta this place. I'm high right now, and I'm just numb. I feel nothing at all. Not happy, not sad, just dead. I don't want to kill myself. By the way, I never once said that I wanted to kill myself because my book wasn't selling. I've wanted to kill myself for many reasons, but no because of my book. I didn't expect it to sell very well.

Oh fuck, I itch so fucking badly.Scratch till I bleed. I remember that time Courtney Love was on David Letterman, and she was scratching like a mad fucking women. That's the time she did the Drew Berrymore number and flashed Dave. I knew she was loaded when I saw all that itching. Then on her last appearance she admitted to being high on blow, and prescription pain pills that night/ day when it was tapped.

I lost my MP3 player, so I'm listening to a lot of Pandora Internet radio on my Blackberry. I'm really liking me some Bloodhound Gang. Old school stuff, not the "Lets do it like they do it on the discovery channel".  I also like to watch cyst being popped on youtube. I wish someone I knew had a cyst I could lance. I had that abscess and that was fun to lance. The abscess is healing up nicely btw.

I guess I'm ready to be done with dope. Its no longer fun for me. It makes me itch, and makes me numb emotionally. Of course I say this while high, and as soon as I'm not high I'll be crying for more dope. I'm such an idiot.  Using again, was the dumbest move I've made in a while. At least I'm not physically hooked right now, and can stop rather easily. Today was going to be my last day using, but for whatever reason my dealer called and wanted to make sure I knew I could call anytime that his phone was turned on again. No sht I knew that, I called you yesterday, or was it the day before that? I'm not sure my days are blurring into one and other. We still have no cable, not until Friday at noon. Luckily we have a vast DVD collection and I've been watching movies one after the other. I've been doing some reading, but I nod out as soon as I get to the second paragraph. I nod out watching movies right after the previews. It seems the only thing I can keep my eyes open for is watching cysts being popped.

My mom told me about this cyst my dad had on his taint when they were in Arizona. It hurt my dad really badly, being in such per carious location, so one night my mom put a hot compress on it and my dad fell asleep with that compress on. The next morning my dad sat up and felt and herd a pop. He looked down and there was oodels and oodels of puss and blood on the bed, on his stomach. My mom said it stunk something fierce. Anyway, my mom knew she had to get the hard core or the thing would come back. So mom gets down by his asshole, and balls. She presses on the hole where all the puss came out of, and when she presses on it out falls (I say falls because it didn't pop out she said it fell out) a huge hard yellow pocket of puss.  Behind that pocket of puss, she pressed again and more puss comes flying out. This time it shot out like Tommy gun. I guess she was posed with her face right in my dad's ass because it got her right in the eye. I guess this went on for five minutes or more. Finally it was empty. She said there was a hole on his taint that was round and deep enough to put a q-tip in. .

You know how hotels don't wash their comforters very often!? Well my parents were in a hotel room when they juiced this cyst and it was all over the comforter. I feel bad for whomever gets that room the next night.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.

I'm back in Wisconsin. We drove straight thru yesterday, got home at 11pm. We get here tired, we left NC at 4am, and when we got to out condo the key didn't work on our deadbolt, so we had to call a locksmith. He ended up having to drill into it to get the door open. Our cable is turned off because we expected to be gone at least three months. So now were stuck here with no tv. One good thing about no tv is that I can read uninterupted.

First thing I did when I got back was call my connections for H. No one answered. Both go straight to voice mail. I worry that they are in jail. IF so thank God I was gone or I'd probably be in jail with them. I guess I'm staying clean. That's a good thing. I'm no longer sick. Just jonesin.

I really did go to North Carolina. We are going to California, Santa Rosa. This time my mom took the test before we get there. She normally does good on these tests. Unlike me, my mom is not dumb. I got my brains from my dad. Sorry dad.

I would go into how I feel, but fuck who cares!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Everything goes bust in Greenville North Carolina

Things have gone terriably wrong here in NC. My mom had to take a test to get into the job at the hospital. It was a critical thinking test, and she did not pass. So that means no job. Now we have to drive home to Wisconsin tonight. I'm scared to go back to Wisconsin. I've been clean almost a full week. I didn't go on the Methadone program. I took BMelons advice and stuck it out. I'm free of dope, but back in Wisconsin its right at my fingertips and my will power isn't that strong.

God things seemed like they were going to be so nice down here. A nice apartment, a new start. Now its back to old ways. Do I really want to be clean? I ask myself that everyday. I wish I could say for sure yes, I want to be free and clear of dope. Its just not so easy. Not like my parents think it should be. Not like you non users think it should be. No offence.

Life seems unbearable, I am insufferable to be around. I mope around all day. I had to take a Oxycodone to get myself to post on my blog. I don't consider taking a Oxycodone getting high, because I don't get high, I just even out.  So the truth is I haven't been totally clean. I have used my dad's pills. God am I a loser.

My book isn't selling, big surprise. All my friends and family bought the book, and now nobody else is going to buy it. I think about killing myself, but I couldn't do that to my parents right now, they are under a lot of stress. Anytime I would kill myself would not be a good time. I'm not saying that anytime would be good. I just don't feel like living. No one can help me. My medications aren't working.

Click here to purchase my book, I hate myself and want to die, by Anna Young