Sunday, September 25, 2011

What would it be like to fuck Mr. Burkouski?

On Friday I began Methadone treatment again. Haven't touched a needle since Thursday, even though my dose is so low I'm still sick, and having intense cravings. I was started at 30mgs, and will be upped 5mgs every three days. Standard practice here in America. My moods have evened out. Unlike Gledwood who went coo coo for coco puffs when he went off heroin and onto Methadone.
Heroin stabilized me when I was using, but it was expensive and I could only use one bag a day, which wasn't enough to keep me stable. I woke up sick every morning, and had to scramble every day for the money to get a bag. Coming up with that money was quite a task, and I ended up doing things for money I never thought I would do again. Things like sleeping with drug dealers, stealing checks from my parents, using all my SSI money for dope. Doing shows for men, which means dancing and getting naked sometimes giving a hand job.

Now that I'm on Methadone, I'm giving all my SSI checks to my parents, for rent, and all other expenses incurred by my living with them. I'm getting a job at a vets office. It will only be a couple days a week, and sometimes spending the night attending to the animals who just had surgery. I do love animals, and think this job will be a good fit. Plus it will get me out of the house once in a while, without going to see my using friends.

I'm also back to reading a book every day or two. I never read the Client before, and am finding very entertaining. Its taking me more than a day to read though. I've also read all the Charles Burkouski books I can find. Man is he a dirty old man, or was a dirty old man. Sorry if I'm spelling his name wrong, I'm too lazy to go to my room and look at the correct spelling.

I got a call from my marketing consultant about my book. Apparently I'm not selling very well, and they want me to do promotions. The set me up with a reading at a book store called the attic. They also want me to pay 500 some dollars to put my book in the New York review to perhaps be picked up by a traditional publisher. I don't know if I want to waste the money, as I know, no publisher in their right mind would pick up my book.  Its crushing to know something you worked so hard on isn't selling. Just goes to show I'm  terrible writer, and have no talent in my pathetic life.

Ha, ha, you asshole Anon can't put me down even more.


Gledwood said...

If I were you I would write a part 2 or a vol 2 to the book as the draft I read rushed over the bipolar bit. There's definitely a whole second half wanting telling. Write that part 2 then consider publishing both parts together through a traditional publisher. Well that's what I'd do.

You need to submit the book to literary agents, not publishers. Publishers won't take on any manuscript by an unknown without an introduction eg meeting you at a party or you being famous. Unknowns make names for themselves all the time. It's a combination of talent and having a good tale to tell that gets you noticed. The biggest sellers always right in PLAIN English, not poetic highfallutin boring "aren't I clever" prose. Midwest prose is good enough for the bestseller list. You just have to believe YOU Are Good Enough.

I feel flat as a fucking pancake today. My brain is spinning out in the background. I wish I had some more drive. I blame methadone for the lack of drive.

Good luck on the script. I wish I could be on 30mg. But as long as you FEEL ok that IS ok. That's the way I see it.

eyelick said...

Eye'd be your facebook friend. Also'd buy the book, but would need "additional" income for that!

Oh goodness, back to methadone. Seems like a shitty thing to be stuck on, unless it's really helping your moods and everything THAT much!

Eye've been reading your blog for a while, actually found it through Gledwood, who eye found looking for .... "heroin blogs." haha. Eye had no reason to be on facebook, as there wasn't a damn thing eye could say, nor is it all that interesting when it comes down to it. At first, eye wasn't sure if eye liked you all that much just bc of the way you'd say something, then come back a couple of days later, and say "oh i lied about that." Later ended up having a lesbian dream about you, where eye looked REALLY different than eye do, and you wrote a book about me. Eye've changed m'eye mind about you ever since!

Hope you're doing ok.

John Doe said...

Stumbled on your blog cause I liked the title.Glad your off the raw.Hope you get over the sickness soon.I have had alot of success staying off using suboxone if met works for you thats cool too.Good luck with everything including the book.