Thursday, September 29, 2011

Lets talk about HEROIN

I've been going to the Methadone clinic for almost a full week, tomorrow will be a full week. I'm at 40mgs and its not holding me over yet. My mood has improved a 100%. I'm no longer obsessing about Kurt Cobain. A huge deal for me. Jesus H Christ, I can' think of anything to write about.

I do miss getting high, I still have a needle fixation, and have shot up water once. I think I felt a small rush for about three seconds and then nothing. Wait its not that I miss getting high, I'm having cravings. I'm also having sweets cravings. I am being very careful about what I eat and how much. I'm terrified that I will get huge again. I really wish I could put up a before and after photo, but I hawked my camera for dope money.

I've also made the decision to give all the money I get from SSI to my parents. Nearly 700 dollars a month. Our rent is almost 900 dollars a month, so I'll be paying a lot more than half the rent. I also give my food stamp card to my parents, so I'm also paying for groceries. If I get that job at the Veterinarian's office cleaning out cages and staying there over night after an animal has surgery to keep an eye on them, all that money I'll be able to keep. I'll only be getting minimum wage, and I can't work over 20 hours a week or I loose my benefits.

On the 5th of Oct. I bring Eleanor into the vets office to get her blood work she has to get done to go to Hawaii. We have no immediate plans on going to Hawaii, and it takes four months to get the results back, so we won't be able to go  until February 5th. Its good to have it done just in case.

As far as my writing, I'm working on getting a literary agent. The novel is called Here we go again. This one is a true memoir about my childhood, and growing up after the suicide or my grandfather at our house, witnessing my babysitter shoot himself in the head with a shot gun and kill himself a few months later, and seeing my father try to kill himself by hanging the night he found his dad dead in the garage. I go more in detail about my bi polar, how I showed symptoms at age 14, but was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old.

I've sent out the manuscript to four agents so far, and I paid 50 dollars to a friend who works as an editor at my hometown news paper to edit the manuscript. I'm not holding my breath.

I have this reader who had a lesbian dream about me. That's awesome!!! I hope it wasn't someone just kidding with me.


Anonymous said...

can we talk? Please...I feel the same way.

Anonymous said...

I am

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna glad you're feeling better

Al said...

Anna... I can't say I begin to understand how you must be feeling. The one thing I will say is that not EVERYONE who comments anonymously is a prig, and some of us do keep you in our prayers for hope, health and happiness. All the best wishes, and I hope you find your road.

eyelick said...

Nope, nope not messing with you @ all. Really happened.

bugerlugs63 said...

Ok I know I dont appear to "follow" any other than The great & wonderful GW . .but I do read others . .you know from my comments I read yours :-)
So please could I ask u some advice . .I've started a blog . .and have recevived "a" comment . .I know big wow its only one but I've only just started. Then when I try to comment to express thanks etc it wont let me??? Any idea what I need to do . .to comment on myself!?
I'm glad your obsession with KC is over and I enjoyed your "more pointless shit"

Gledwood said...

You know I first got depression bad enough to obsess about dying when I was TEN years old... and it took another 27 years for full-on bipolar mania to manifest. This is not counting hypomania in my 20s, I mean the real mc-coy mania when you feel like you've got 100,000 volts of electricity running through your brain. Wow!

I always thought my bipolar mania symptoms were way better than any drug but you seem to prefer the drugs. Why is that?

And do you always get manic before depressed rather than the other way round? I quite often get depressed first then manic afterwards. I hear that's unusual....

You should definitely write about your bipolar there's been a lot written on that subject but so much of it is so-so. My advice would be write your own version of events and be as uninfluenced by outsiders as it's possible to be.

O man I'm craving chips (that's fries to you) gotta run before the chippie closes at 10:30....

Gledwood said...

By the way might I add, Princess Low Self Esteem, that your viewpoint is what makes you YOU and makes you far better than a lot of more intellectual dull as dishwater with shit floating in it writers so DON'T DO YOURSELF DOWN!!

bugerlugs63 said...

Ditto GW
No-one else would write "more pointless shit" (thats not a put down)
Its unique :-)
Its what makes you you.
Ive solved my how to comment prob. I spect Ed Sheeran is already big over there. Hes a young un. Just starting realy . .but at least he "plays" his guitar . .writes his own lyrics. And dont need 4 other boys singing with him. Anyhow I listening to his "big hit" a while back and thought of you . .partly cus I know u like sad lyrics . . .guitars . . . Also thought u might relate to lyrics . .could be wrong . .but heres the link.
Take care

bugerlugs63 said...
you probably already know it . .He's gotten big-fast.
hopefully not too big too fast

eyelick said...

Oh& totally get that stupid "needle fixation" thing. Never shot up plain water, but have done "rinses" so light, they may as well have been.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I'm sure you must have many, many lesbian dream lovers.
Sorry I haven't been online much, I've been miserable during the high heat and himidity.
Anyway, I hope you're doing well & happy.

bugerlugs63 said...

Hi have joined as an official follower . . .as I do follow your blog and that way you will appear on list of blogs I follow.