Monday, October 31, 2011

Do you like the book I Hate Myself and Want to Die?

I want some honesty. First off I'll tell you that my stats have dropped to under half of what I used to get two months ago. Even before I diablebed Anonymous commenters. I assume its because I lost trust because of all my lies, I haven't been posting regularly, and my post are not what they used to be as far as content. 

What I really want to know is how many of you who come across my blog even think of buying my book? If anyone has? I read the book for the first time in paperback since I got a copy, and I read it again on my Nook, and its not that bad of a book.  Its actually a very good book in my opinion. Of course this is my opinon and is biased because I'm the writer of the book. Normally I would say the book sucks and I have.

Click here to link to purchase my book.
This book gives inisight to the non user what using is like. To the drug user its like drug porn. As an addict myself I can never get enough memoires about addiction and drugs. Not books about drunks though. I live with a drunk, and don't find it at all interesting.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Which one is going to kill me?

I'm sitting in my room, I love my  bed, I have silk sheets and pillow cases, a 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton down blanket. Comforters are too hot for me. I have three other sheets that are all over a thousand thread count Egyptian cotton. I bought all this when I still on Methadone last time. Now that the methadone is making me sleep all the time, I get to enjoy my bed more. I just wish I had someone to share my bed with.

I have been journal again on a daily basis. I was only journal on a weekly basis, sometimes a monthly basis. All my entire were about how much heroin I used, how I acne'd my blanket on the couch with cigarette burns. We aren't allowed to smoke in the house, so I take a blanket outside and smoke with that, and burn it to hell.I worried if my parents would notice that I was I writing checks out to myself from their checking account, or taking their ATM card and taking money out. They only caught me once and that's when I went way overboard and wrote out around a thousand dollars in checks to myself. Now I give them all my SSI checks which amount to 700 something to them to do with as they please. I complain about it, mainly yesterday when I was shopping online and found the perfect purse and the perfect winter jacket. The purse was a little over priced at 300 dollars. Two seasons ago. The jacket was on O.co, and it only cos ted 80 dollars.  I wanted to waste my money on an over priced purse and coat. There is a perfectly good coat for me at Kmart, and I could look at Burlington coat shop for both a jacket and a purse. TJ Max which is like a Ross store in Hawaii with cheap  name brand stuff. I really don't care about the name brand. I would have been a bit embarrassed to have a Marc  Jacobs purse.

My favorite outfit I have right now is a black sweat shirt that I got for 4 dollars at Wal Mart and I cut the collar out so it hangs off my shoulders, with a white t-shit under it, and a pair of 18.00 dollar jeans I got at K mart. I also got a sweat shit in gray too, but I haven't cut that one yet. Since I got the outfit that I like I wanted a purse to go with. Something with a splash of color. I guess color is not in this season, because all the purses at TJ Max were brown, gray, black, tan, and yellowish.

I think I've switched addictions, I've gone from heroin to shopping. If I keep gaining weight I won't be able to wear the clothes I want. So I'm really working on weight watchers. Which after I'm done blogging I'm going to go to my Weight Watchers website and count my points for the day. I had three pieces of French toast, with light syrup, and two sausages that I gave to Eleanor my dog.

I know you guys tune into my blog to hear about how fucked up my life is, and today I didn't give it to you. Except yesterday I took like 12 benzo's with my methadone to get high. I didn't really get high just tired. I won't be doing that again. I also thought about calling my dealer yesterday, but I didn't.

On another note, remember the whole Jose robbing a store with a gun, and thank god I didn't know he did it, or go with him, but anyway now he's in jail. He used to call me all the time. From Brown County Jail there is a number that comes up. Now I'm getting a call from another correctional facility named Chris. Now I'm scared that since I wouldn't take Jose's calls, and now he's been transferred to prison, and is having someone call me for him. I'm afraid he's planning a hit on me. Mainly because I told the cops that I was with him last night at so and so's house, and when I woke up he wasn't there, but around 1pm he came back, and he had a gun. There were a lot of kids in the house, and I asked him why he had a gun in the house, he told me to never mind.

So my dad calls my use telling me he would give me 50 bucks, so I take so and so's car over to my parents, and go up stairs and as soon as I open the door a cop grabs me by the wrist and tells me to sit. I had no idea what was going on, but I figured it had to do with the gun. I thought, did he kill someone. I know he hated his ex girlfriend but loved he at the same time and didn't want any other man to be with her. Then the police ask me about a robbery. I forget the name of the place. I didn't know anything about that, but I did tell them where Jose was. What he was wearing, and that he had a gun. So in a way its because of me he got caught. I think he blames me for going to prison for 20 years. I guess he robbed two places and got 40 years, 20 in and 20 out.

Or it could be this crazy guy named Chris that I met in Brown County Mental Health aka the nut house, and I was talking about taking a bus to Washington and go to Seattle when I got out. He said he would take the bus with me and be my protector. He even go the bus times leaving and how much it would cost for the two of us. When I got out my parents talked me out of it. Going to Seattle with a crazy person, not the greatest idea. In a manic state a great idea. He ended up going and called me ever day he was there asking me when I was coming I told him I'm not coming, but he would beg and I would say I will think about it. The he didn't call for about two weeks, and one morning he calls and tells me just go out of jail for selling his Lithium to an undercover. STUPID!! Fucking Lithium. Now you understand how crazy and dumb he was. Maybe just crazy. Now I think he might be in jail and is calling me every day three, four times a day. It took me forever that in the pre recorded saying who it is on the collect call, that he was saying Chris.  He could come back to Green Bay WI and kill me too.

Just so you know if I get killed its either Chris don't know last name, or Jose Machicoto.

I guess I leave you on that note.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

If you want something don't hesitate to ask someone else

Anonymous if you haven't noticed by now my spelling is atrocious. Still you understand what I'm saying. Do you think Rimbaud the greatest poet to ever live (in my eyes) spelled everything correctly? I sure don't. I'm reading the book Heroin and the thing must not have been edited because every five words in the book is spelled wrong. My book on the other hand was edited and done so mighty finely. So if you want to dis my spelling go ahead and do so.

On to other topics I lost three pounds thanks to hard work, and not eating all the candy bars I crave so much. That's a big dent in ten pounds I gained back on the methadone. Since starting methadone I can't cum any longer. If I remember correctly it took like two years for my ability to cum came back, and when I first started to be able to cum again I would piss while cumming. At least I don't have a libido, and not being able to cum is such a big deal.

Today I woke up at 3:30am, made myself some coffee, sat in the recliner and watched CBS news up to the minute until I feel asleep again sitting up and drooling on myself. I woke up again at 5am because I herd my mom get up. She's always happy with me when I make the coffee before she gets up.

At 5ish I got ready to go to the clinic. We are not allowed to wear our PJ's to the clinic (stupid rule) So I get all dressed up for my hour there while I read my nook looking good. P.S. I got the job at Green Bay vet clinic. I only be working on day a week, staying overnight with the animals who had surgery the day before. I have to do some training to recognize the signs that there is a problem, and if I can solve the problem myself or have to call the Dr. in. I get paid minimum wage, and don't work over 10 hours a week, so they can't take away from my SSI. So far the haven't bothered my about the check I got for my book sales. I don't get another check for three more monhts. Which should be a bit bigger than the first check I got, because it take up to three months for Amazon, and Barns and Noble and all other web sites who sell books to get their numbers in. The fist books I got a check for were the books I sold on the publisher's web site.

After December's check I doubt I will get any checks at all. Unless I get a literary agent to get me in a true publishing house. I have one other book I'm going to send around to agents to see if I can get a book really published. I know this will take years. I hope to have a real publishing house pick up on of my books before I'm 38 years old.

Wait back to the beginning I wouldn't say Rimbaud was my fav poet, I really love Allen Ginsberg, and Jack Kerouac ( I never spell that right) yet you get the just. I love the beat poets. I also love Walk Whitman, and many, many more.

When I left for the clinic it was raining cats and dogs, and thundering and lightning. I still got there in the normal 15 mins. it takes me to get there. As always when I leave for the clinic its dark out. I like getting up at the butt crack of dawn.

I'm begging to think I'm going to be a spinster. I don't like the bar scene, and all the guys who respond to my profile on okcupid.com are either damn, ugly, or only interested in sex. Believe me I'm not being to picky, Ive gone out with a couple of them and boy did those dates blow. It was when I was fat, so would email them a photo of me naked so they knew what they were getting into. Yet I told them they were not get getting sex on the first date.

Right now I'm imagining blood blossoming into a syringe, and its getting me off. Not sexually, just in a feel good way. I miss the needle. I wish we could inject our Methdone. I'm not sure if I should capitalize Methadone or not? Anyway the imagination of  blossoming in the syringe.

As far as my book goes, people like a happy ending, and I didn't leave them with a terrible ending, but not a happy one either. Reminder to self always end a book on a happy note. My second manuscript I put in a happy ending.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Fucking a, I hate face, I hate this place, and I'm strung out again

The number one critizim I get about my book is that I should have started it earlier in my life when I first started using. I've also been told my book is too short. Its ture. There is nothing I can do to get anyone who comes across this blog to spend $14.00 for a paperback, and 7.00 dollars for ebook.

I guess I can say the book really shows someone who's never used heroin or at least never abused heroin, and it shows how you throw your morals out the window and do things you'd never thought you'd do.

I"m looking for a litterary agent to find a big publishing house to pick up the book. I would love to see my book in Barns and Noble, or Boarders book stores.

I ask if your reading this blog for the first time that you click on the title of the book under the picture of the book and go to Amazon where you can read blurbs of the book, decide if its something you want to read.
Click here to buy my book.

Well, I'm allowing anon commenter's again.

Well, I'm allowing anon commenter's again. I'm in a good place and I can take the harassment. Plus I'm not getting many comments from commenter's.

Other than that, I don't have much to say, so I'll tell you what's going on in my mundane life.
Every morning I get up around 4:30am to 5:30am and I leave at 5:45am to go to the methadone clinic. I sit and read while wait for my number to be called so I can go dose. I drive home as fast as I can so I can watch the Today show. I lay on the couch with Eleanor, who sometimes licks my teeth. Yes I do brush before she licks and after she licks. She also licks inside my belly button, which my parents think is very gross.

Around 10am my methadone kicks in and I'm tired, so I fight sleep, and bring my Eleanor outside to go potty and smell around. Its fall now, so I like it outside, it smells really good. When Eleanor and I come back into the house I read until I can't help but fall asleep. I always end up dropping my book always loosing my page, I also often drop a cigarette and burn the book and blankets on my bed. When I wake up I go back to my book, or write a post here on my blog.

 I stopped eating snickers, and other candy bars. I knew I had to stop or I would hit the 200lbs mark before I knew it. Now when I get a sweet craving I eat a fiber one bar only 90 calories.


After I finish reading some more after I've woken up from my two to three hour nap, Then I finish wirting my journal if I fell asleep before I was done writing. When I'm done writing in my journal, then its time for me to watch some TV. I watch the ID channel which has a bunch of 48 hours mystery's, and Dateline Mystery's one after another, all day and all night. I've always loved a good mystery. I often take cat naps, and wake up craving candy. I have to smoke a cigarette, and drink a diet coke to get rid of the urge to eat cand. Fucking methadone causing surgar cravings. I've Googled, asked my  doctor, and the nurses at the clinic, and no-one can tell me why methadone makes people crave sugar so much. Its an intense craving, almost as intense as the cravings I get when I'm not on MMT for opiates.

As a matter of fact, a lot of things changed in my body after being on methadone for a significant amount of time. My thyroid is now slow, I don't have regular periods, I only poop twice a week, (I like to think that accounts for at least 20lbs of my body weight) I sleep all the time, I'm always lethargic. I'm lost in a world of apathy. So much so, I only shower weekly. If you catch me on a good week, I've showered twice. I wish I had the guts to chop my hair and bleach it, so nobody would notice when I haven't showered or brushed my hair in week. When you bleach your hair, it becomes really dry, and takes a lot longer to get greasy than natural hair. I can say my hair is super healthy. Not washing it all the time and stripping it of all its natural oiles. When I do brush it, I use a paddel brush, and bush all those natural oils at the top of my head to the ends of my hair. My hair is super long, so when I brush it, it seems like I'm loosing tons of hair. I might be loosing my hair because of my thyroid. When I get paranoid I am, my mom tells me, it just looks like a lot of hair, because its so long, and because I don't comb it everyday.
Then around 8pm I'm in bed, I turn on the IFC or Sundance channel and watch independant movies.

My life is boning. '

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Serial Killer in England

I'm getting fucking fat. I've gained 10lbs. Just fucking great. I hate that part of being on Methadone. I used to resist my cravings for sweets easily, I worried more about my cravings for dope. Now its back to sweets. I eat up to three candy bars a day. At least my jeans still fit.

I watched a show Denis Nelison the serial killer from England. The show was on the ID channel here in America. Man was he a twisted man. Just when HeroinHead Shane posted about his dad's death in detail on his blog, the next day there was a show on here about his killer Click blue words to read Shane's blog. I wonder if Neilson raped his 14th victim after he died. The man was a necrophiliac. No disrespect to Shane. I feel so bad about Shane's father's and they horrible terms of which he died. Leaving behind a son, a smart son who was raised in what you'd think would be the  bringing up of a serial killer, but he's not a serial killer. As far as I know. Again no disrespect, but its always the one you'd least respect.

Moving on, I haven't had sex in a while, I'm worried that I'm like the Nielson man, unable to make lasting relationships. Ever since my addiction spiraled out of control. Pete my ex stuck by me while I was spiralling out of control, but in the end we went out separate ways. He lives in Florida now, and I call him once in a great while to see what he's up to. He never calls me, except when my first came out, he called to see if I'd send him a free copy. I said no, that he had to buy it, and he did.

Oh yes, two days ago Justin Rose, a guy I was obsessed with for ever, and had a relationship with him for a while after cheating on Pete with him. Read post called Justin Rose for full details. Anyway, he emailed me via Facebook to see if I could get him something, as in H. I told him I'm back at the Methadone clinic, he told me he was just getting ff Suboxone and needed something to tide him over. I tole him I could get a bag for 50, he said he would call in an hour, but never did. I same he found something cheaper and closer by. He lives 30 mins away.

I must say I was quite excited to hear from Justin, but all he wanted from me was dope. I wish upon a star that he would fall in love with me.

Must go read some blogs now. See ya later, or rather read ya later.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Anal Rape

I'm gaining weight. I have no self control while on Methadone. I'm trying to stick  to Weight Watchers, but its hard. I've gained 5lbs. I working on yet another book, hopefully a better book than I Hate Myself and Want to Die (available for puchase. Click  HERE!!!)

 Also if go to the top of my blog and on the side bar, click on the photo of the book cover. It will link you directly to the page on amazon.com where you can look at, read excerpts, or buy my book.  Its a simple read, one to two days. I consider it junkie porn.

Aside from my book, the Methadone has really helped me to enjoy mundane things. Walking for no reason. I used to walk to get heroin. I'm watching TV and don't get sick of all the violence. I don't walk from room to room in our condo looking for the least depressing thing. The only thing that elevated the sadness was heroin. I had to use every day.

At the Methadone clinic there is at least 100 new people. The line in the morning is going outside the door. People who were addicted to Oxycontin, but since they changed the formula of the pill so you can't cook it so you can't even crush it. All you can do is swallow it. A lot of people who go to the clinic come from up north where heroin isn't available. So they end up at the clinic


Oh yes, if you are a heroin junkie, and want to be in a documentry film by MTV for their true life. Go see post below for emial, and phone number to contact the person casting the show.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

MTV True Life: I'm a heroin addict in small city

I got an email from a MTV producer who came across my blog and wanted to see if I was interested in being in a True Life documentry about heroin addiction in the suburbs. Since I'm now on Methadone she said to pass it on, and if any of my readers are junkies in America to either email her at haganhinshaw@gmail.com  her or phone her 718-422-0704 ext. 105. If anyone on here who gets picked because I introduced you to them please tell me. I would love to know.

Aside from that I'm doing great on Methadone. I haven't used anything aside from Methadone since I started. What else would you like to know? Give me something to write about. My creativity has flown out the window.