Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Do it, and do it again

I just re read my post entitled Obituary Birthday, and wow! Its all over the place. I remember when I wrote the post I had been inspired by a documentary called "Beautiful Loser". It was about street artists, "taggers" aka spray painting buildings, and really anything they can. The world is their canvas.

They all had this punk attitude towards life. They were from NYC, and started a movement back in the 90's. They were skaters, who tagged, and just lived. They admitted they were lazy. Not really lazy but board. Not enough money to really do anything. So they hung out, made art, and music. Now they are adults, and they are still living the lifestyle of a loser. I felt as though I would fit right into that crowed.

In truth I fit in nowhere. I am a loner loser. I am lazy. I am vain. I am an addict. I have no will power. I have no talent. I look up to drug addicts and or drunks. I fantasise about suicide, glamorizes suicide, and heroin use.

 If there is one thing heroin addicts like to do more than use heroin, its to talk and write about it endlessly. Romanticizing everything about it, even the ugly things that come with it. Aids, prostitution, stealing. Glamorizing the fact that heroin always comes in first, no matter how much you love your family and significant other, heroin will always come in fist, and everything else a distant second. Heroin addicts will read and watch anything that has to do with heroin. I'm willing to bet that almost every junkie's favorite movie is Trainspotting. Even though in the end Ewan chooses life not heroin.

As for myself I am always looking for a good heroin novel, memoir, non fiction. All my favorite movies or almost all have something to do with heroin. Drug Store Cowboys, Jesus's Son, Trainspotting, Requiem of a Dream (which I'm not sure is about heroin as they never say what drug it is they are using, and when they show the eye's pupil expanding instead of constricting leads me to believe it's Meth) My favorite blogs have to do with heroin. Every aspect and perspective there is on the subject. I love songs that are about opiates, directly or indirectly. I look up to famous heroin addicts. Not coke addicts, not meth amphetamine addicts, not alcholics, not sex addicts, not huffers, just opiates. Not to say I don't like almost all shows about drugs, but when I watch Intervention I'm always hoping its about a heroin addict. If not a heroin addict then an opiate addict.

I wonder what non heroin addicts like to read, watch, think, talk, write about. I've noticed that people with kids like to take pictures of their kids, and post them on their blogs, and they write about parenthood. They read books and magazines about parenting. Watch family movies. Talk about their children every chance they get. Hmm, I wonder if what I feel about heroin is what parents feel about children? I wonder if I were to have a child if I would become one of "them"? Would heroin come first or would the child? I'm not about to test it. Children are way off in my future. Most my readers would rather I not reproduce.

I maybe on methadone, but I still find myself day dreaming about getting high. There was a few months were I was dead set against using heroin ever again. I thought the methadone would hold me. I was in a good mood, felt adequate, was at peace with my lot in life. Now...not so much. What changed? The chemicals in my brain.

How can I complain? I live in paradise, I get to lay on the beach and swim in crystal clear warm blue water. I get to spend my days reading, and from now on blogging a thousand words a day. I can watch anything I want at the touch of a button, btw the show New Girl is seriously funny. Nothing to do with heroin. I wish I was like the main character, Jess on New Girl. Tuesdays on Fox at 8pm Hawaii time. Or you can watch all the episodes you missed on Prime time on demand if you have Time Warner Cable. Off subject, but had to get it in there

I know I wrote about HeroinHead yesterday, but I have more to say about his blog. His blog is perfect or in my eyes perfect. He has over 400 readers. 90% of his comments are praising him. How he is not a published author yet?I don't know. How  is he not a famous artist? I'm sure he'll be sooner or later. Someday I will be able to say HeroinHead (Shane) follows my pitiful blog. Right now I'm amazed that he's a follower. I'm not sure he reads my blog any more. After I admitted that I had lied about a relapse, and then faked my own suicide. Now even though what I write is true my readers can never really be sure. I always admit when I lie because its hard for me to keep up the lie. I feel guilty and as though I wasted the readers time. Of course my lies were always peppered with some truths.

Moving on. Suicide, its always on my mind. Right now I can't kill myself. I HAVE to become a better writer. I do plan on abandoning this blog in the future and moving to wordpress.com. Start over, find a new audience. Maybe an audience who's comments are 90% praising my writing. I might even post my second book, Beautiful Words, on my new blog. After I feel I've achieved all I possibly can literary wise then I will waste myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It may seem safe to always think in the back of your mind "I'll just kill myself"

You're a strange girl. You seem to yearn to be listened to/read. Make a mark - yet you seem to have a lot of self hatred maybe induced by depression?

If you're mentally falling back on the though of suicide so often - you're not really alive.

I say be brave and tell yourself you will never do it and see what happens.

Do the ones you love fear of finding your body?

- I had a big sister who talked about killing herself on/off for over 10 years, she had mental and drug problems. It was terrifying at first. After awhile it just seemed like empty threats or an attention grab. She did make attempts.

I just feel like so many people use it to gain control over someone.

(my sister passed away not from suicide)

But who am I to defend your loved ones or place judgment on you?

Can you please write more about suicide? Do you believe in an afterlife?