I've been inspired. Its been a long time since I've read or seen something that has inspired me to be an individual, to make my art, and to write again. I've realized that my book is unimportant. All I am is dust. I'm energy and as we all know energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Life its self is not important.
I've bought a catholic school uniform, and I now wear that everyday. I am making a statement about society, how I'm confined by consumerism, and corporations. How I feel when people look down on me because in society's eyes I am a loser. I am an outcast. Not even the majority of people who read my blog like me, much less find me interesting.
Those of you have read I Hate Myself and Want to Die know the book ends very abruptly. That book was written when I was 26, and dealt with matters that had happened in my early 20's. Now I'm 29, and think I can see the importance of words. Words can destroy as well as give hope. Words can hurt. Bottom line. I've written three books, I Hate Myself and Want to Die, was my first. Beautiful words is the title of my second book. Part memoir and part ficiton. The third book is called Wasted Beauty. As close to full fiction as I've come to. I'm not the main character.
Being a female in the world is unfair. Life is unfair. Men, sex, the weaker sex... women. My next book will touch on this subject. I am in the middle of reshersing why women are rarely considered great authors. All the authors I look up to are male, aside from two. Lydia Lunch, and Sylvia Plath. I will throw Anne Sexton in there too. Sylvia and Anne are poets. I'm not a poet. I'm a contraction. I let men take advantage of me. I look up to Gloria Steinem. Her raw sexual magnetism that she put to use as a feminist. I look up to Courtney Love, she's crazy, but very intelligent. She might be a bit narcassitc but so am I. Virgina Wolf is the female writer I feel a great connection to as well.
Note: I do not blame my parents for my failures. The fact that they refuse to give me back the money I lent them, and won't let me leave. If I dare to leave a guilt trip is just around the corner. I understand why they don't want me to leave the pack, they lost one daughter. They want me to count. Not that my sister Angie didn't count for anything. She counted for a lot. We were very much alike, and at the same time very different. She like CL had the gift of gab. I myself refuse to make small talk. I get straight to the point, and often make people feel uncomfortable because I don't dance around a subject. I ask straight out, why, what, who, how did that make you feel. I want to know. I rarely in real life situations talk about myself. On here, my blog you would never guess this to be true. I go on and on about myself.
Andy Warhol said, art is what you can get away with. I bought myself a hand held camcorder. I have been making family videos, and videos on the streets. Just watching people I admire. I set the camera to make it look like the video was shot in what I think 8mm film looks like.
I have made up a quote. "Heroin is for artist for whom the world is too painful to life without." ~Anna Young~ So many artist get caught up in drugs. I think we feel life on a much more raw level than others. I don't blame my past for my use of drugs. I was just rebelling. Found solice in opiates.
the media trashes Courtney Love. A media whore. She likes attention. Who doesn't, Unfortunately her attention is considered not so flattering. At least she is who she is. Not compromising because the public does not get her. Sure the only good albums she's made, Beautiful on the inside, and Live through this. Live through this may have been helped by Kurt Cobain her dead husband, who may or may not have helped to write this album. It is her poetry in the words, the music was enhanced by KC. We all take from people we admire. I took the name of my book from KC because its how I felt. How I feel.
I may not be an educated writer, I'm a self taught writer, and every day I work on my art. I read. I read contemporary, and not so contemporary books. I'm working my way through 100 books everyone should read. I've only read 7 books on the list. When I get my SSI check which this month I'm keeping half to myself instead of giving it all to my parents as I have been doing for the past four months. I plan on buying 5 books on this 100 books everyone should read.
I've read the book, How to Read like a Writer. What I've gathered from How to Read like a Writer is read the book slowly, taking in its structure, how words are added, and deleted. How each sentence is a string of words that can have too many words, or not enough words. You have to make a choice and study the element of a sentence. Some books, for example The Hunger Games Trilogy I read fast, and didn't take much time to look at the authors sentence structure. The Mocking Jay is a metaphor for the capitols inability to control the people at all times. The Mokinjay represents the chance to overcome the Capitols atrocities. Jabber Jays sent out to spy on the rebels, and ended up being used against the capitol, the capitol leaving the Jabber Jays to die out in the wild when instead of dieing out they mated with mockingbirds, and become a new species. A cross bread if you will.
Only two people in this world don't judge me on my looks. They embarrass my new uniform, and loved me when I was fat. They love me when I'm medium, and when i was so strung out that I looked like I could fall through my asshole and hang myself. My parents. I trust and love my parents. I went through a fase where I thought they were the reason I began using drugs. The infidelity, the denial of my drug problem. I understand now that they just did not want to believe that I would do something so drastic and perhaps even stupid. Risking my life, whoring myself. Sharing needles. Contacting Hep C.
Let me emphasize that you should believe nothing you read, and only half of what you see or hear. I am a lier and a thief. For my family who reads this, I understand that its really the only way you get to know me. Since I refuse to attend any and all family functions. Right now I'm in Hawaii so I have a reason not to interact with family, outside of my immediate family aka my moms and pops.
I intend to write. No matter how well received they are, or how hated they are. I intend to expose myself to random people on the Internet. Tell them my inner most secrets, and my inner most fears. I must begin to write at least 1 thousand words per day. Read a book per day or two depending on the size of the book. Anna Karenina has taken me 4 full days of reading. When I say days, I mean until the sun sets.
We all have creativity, some a bit more than others. We may not all be talented, but its all about what you can get away with. I'm about to get away with whatever I can.
Oh yes, and just because I'm a woman, does not make me less of a human. Just because someone is gay does not make them human. Just because there are people of different races does not make them less human. Poverty is our real enemy. Bigots are our real enemy's, sexism, racism, all the isms, I don't stand for. I might or really probably will write my next book under a pseudonym and leave out pronouns when it comes to the main character. Revealing at the end I am a woman. I will use an unisex name.
Of course I've been sending my new books to agents, and have been accepted by one. Thank you god. I got the local newspaper editor to edit my book, and he did a great job, a better job than the New York editor who edited my first book.
I encourage you to make art today. Release your creativity, Its all beautiful because it comes from an individual. How do you see the world. Put it in a painting, a short story, a poem, tagging, movie making, You are a beautiful human being. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Those of you who hurt children, and animals, well you can cut yourself open and explore yourself. Have sex with women who look young, but are adults and are willing partners. Rape is not creative. Sometimes two evils do make sense. Such as a young defencless woman is raped by a trusted person ment to have her best intrest in mind, well you are the scum of the earth. Casteration is what we should do with you. Not just casteration, but also cutting of the penis, and giving them a hose hooked up to the existing uruthra and let your bladder evacuate into a bag on your ankle.
riddle me this.