Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ring around the rosey, pocket full of poseies, and we all fall down.

I've decided against using heroin when I get paid. I have to pay my parents 300$ in rent, and that leaves me 400 and some dollars. I'll put 200 of that in savings, and the 200 and some dollars I will use to buy cigarettes, snacks, books, music, and I really can't wait for the film adaption of The Hunger Games which is in theaters March 23rd.

I've gotten a request from a reader to write about my thoughts on suicide and what I believe the afterlife (if there is one) would be like.

I often mention suicide in my blog posts. I sometimes write out my plan, even once faked my suicide on my blog. Almost all of my idols committed suicide, and my grandfather offed himself in our garage when I was 7 years old. A year after that my babysitter blew his brains out in front of me and my sister after his girlfriend broke up with him.

As much as write about suicide I never talk about it to anyone. Almost every attempt I've made was on a lark. Two of them were planned. Two of them I came very close to death. Every time I've woken up from an attempt I am angry. I feel like a failure. I can't even kill myself properly. I've hurt my parents and scared them. I've always ended up in a mental institution for at least a week after an attempt.

I ask myself why I don't have the guts to just put a gun in my mouth or to my heart. Am I really just crying for attention? I'm not crying for attention unpurpose, but subconsciously I must be. I don't feel I'm crying for help. When I have attempted suicide I have always meant to die. When I faked my suicide here on blogger I did it to end my blog. Then I realized I can't end my blog, I love the attention I get from the readers.  Be it bad or positive attention.

I do plan on ending my own life after I've failed at everything I've done to be remembered for. Not just remembered by my family, but by the public. As if by some miracle I'll do something of importance in my life bettering society in some way. If I die before I've failed at everything, I've tried, then so be it. I do not fear death, nor the unknown.

Right now I would not say I'm depressed, but I do hate myself. I have self no esteem. I get my self esteem from you guys and gals. Usually the comments left on my blog are full of hatred. I'll admit I do get some positive comments. As we all know we believe the negative said about us rather than the good. It takes something like ten compliments to make up for one negative comment.

The fact is that I'm a realist and realize that in reality I will never accomplish any achievement worth while. Nobody will remember me 50 years after I'm dead. Most people can live with this. I just have feelings of grandeur as if what I write is something special. Then again I am self loathing. I hate myself and want to die by my own hand, but not until I'm satisfied I've done something to be remembered by. Contradictions. I know I'm going to be forgotten, I feel I shouldn't be, I know I have nothing of any conscience to leave behind for futer generations. I'm not Hunter S. Thomson, I'm not Virgina Wolf, and I'm definitely not Kurt Cobain the one person I look up to most in this world. I was not born with any special talents. I am in no way extraordinary. I'm just a piece of mold on cheese, scraped off before the real celebrity (the cheese) is eaten.

Two people in this world would be affected if I were to die right now. My parents. In thirty years my parents will be gone. Hopefully they have more than thirty years to live. I don't intend on dying young so much anymore. I'll be thirty next year at this time. Hunter S. Thomson lived a long time, and ended up killing himself. Same with my grandfather. Well he was only 55 years old, but he wasn't young. His last name was Young, so in a way he did die young. I'm getting off track.

That's as well as I can explain my self hatred, and my death wish. In conclusion I hate myself and want to die.

As for the after life I have no idea what will happen. The one thing I do know is that energy cannot be created nor destroyed and we are made of energy so in a way we are never really destroyed. If string theory is correct there are more dimensions, who knows what exists in those dimensions. We do know that we decompose and our matter becomes apart of the universe, just not in the form we are composed of now. Dust to dust and we all fall down.

7 comments:

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna, you sound awfully depressed.
Please don't obsess with morbid thoughts.
You're not a failure, you're overly critical of yourself, that's all.
Wishing you all the best,
j.
p.s. I don't like the word verification, but you're worth it!

Gledwood said...

Anna darling: hardly ANYONE anywhere is remembered 50 years after their death. Even the great billionaire leaders of industry are mostly forgotten. Most US presidents are all but forgotten. The only people who are remembered tend to be great artists and writers, as well as a very tiny number of film stars and singers. But that's about it. So don't worry about being remembered after you die. None of us will be. At least you made a stab at immortality by writing your book: now there's a start...

I feel depressed whenever I think about the future. So I'm just trying not to think about the future. That's the only way to deal with the whole issue ~ by not thinking... and by taking every day as it comes. Which I'm not that good at doing either...

Anonymous said...

I get suicidal anna but one of my biggest fears is the moment of death. the last breath, scares the shit outta me. yet i've made 2 attempts on my life. I think the suicide bit is the depression, its a contradiction completely to the "normal" me. Don't try to fit it into your personality because its an irrational train of thought (suicide/depression). As humans we tend to analyze our feelings and actions, you can't analyze the "irrational" you. Just accept you have these thoughts but they don't define who you are. My therapist told me that, it's one of the few things they told me that actually helped me. I hope it helps you, although its hard to explain it in text. The gist is there hopefully.

I often read your stuff and we are quite similar. I like your honesty. People who give u shit on here are not being honest with themselves about who they are. Everyone has shitty qualities, but it takes strength to admit them to yourself. It's quite a skill. When someone calls you "selfish" and you have already realized that in yourself and have accepted it then their opinion can't hurt. Being truthful to yourself is the best shield we can have in this shitty world.

Love love xx

Anonymous said...

hey.. more talk about what a slut you are please! I want to stroke one out to you talking about giving BJs and taking it in the ass!!

Maureen said...

Anna,
YOU are doing great, don't screw it up, OK? I agree w/guy in the silk taffeta dress, I can't stand the word verication. Did you change your Facebook status/city/state to Hawaii? B.T.W.
55 is NOT old! 85,95, yeah. A person is only as old & feel about themselves. Plus, we have hair dye ( i got my 1st grey'st 25 ) & we can take care of our skin & bodies the best we can.
So, I am sorry you lost a Grandpa at 55, my Dad died at 59!! 2 damn young. Like Billy Joel said... Only the good die young"
Take care of you Anna, and you need not buy any brown, YOU won't get high, because of your dose.
Love, Maureen

Anonymous said...

1. Take a picture with a paper sign that says the date.

The ones you have look old, and I'm not talking about the weird coloring.

2. your lips look the same.

Anonymous said...

What happened to posting evèry day???? Another lie!