I've decided against using heroin when I get paid. I have to pay my parents 300$ in rent, and that leaves me 400 and some dollars. I'll put 200 of that in savings, and the 200 and some dollars I will use to buy cigarettes, snacks, books, music, and I really can't wait for the film adaption of The Hunger Games which is in theaters March 23rd.
I've gotten a request from a reader to write about my thoughts on suicide and what I believe the afterlife (if there is one) would be like.
I often mention suicide in my blog posts. I sometimes write out my plan, even once faked my suicide on my blog. Almost all of my idols committed suicide, and my grandfather offed himself in our garage when I was 7 years old. A year after that my babysitter blew his brains out in front of me and my sister after his girlfriend broke up with him.
As much as write about suicide I never talk about it to anyone. Almost every attempt I've made was on a lark. Two of them were planned. Two of them I came very close to death. Every time I've woken up from an attempt I am angry. I feel like a failure. I can't even kill myself properly. I've hurt my parents and scared them. I've always ended up in a mental institution for at least a week after an attempt.
I ask myself why I don't have the guts to just put a gun in my mouth or to my heart. Am I really just crying for attention? I'm not crying for attention unpurpose, but subconsciously I must be. I don't feel I'm crying for help. When I have attempted suicide I have always meant to die. When I faked my suicide here on blogger I did it to end my blog. Then I realized I can't end my blog, I love the attention I get from the readers. Be it bad or positive attention.
I do plan on ending my own life after I've failed at everything I've done to be remembered for. Not just remembered by my family, but by the public. As if by some miracle I'll do something of importance in my life bettering society in some way. If I die before I've failed at everything, I've tried, then so be it. I do not fear death, nor the unknown.
Right now I would not say I'm depressed, but I do hate myself. I have self no esteem. I get my self esteem from you guys and gals. Usually the comments left on my blog are full of hatred. I'll admit I do get some positive comments. As we all know we believe the negative said about us rather than the good. It takes something like ten compliments to make up for one negative comment.
The fact is that I'm a realist and realize that in reality I will never accomplish any achievement worth while. Nobody will remember me 50 years after I'm dead. Most people can live with this. I just have feelings of grandeur as if what I write is something special. Then again I am self loathing. I hate myself and want to die by my own hand, but not until I'm satisfied I've done something to be remembered by. Contradictions. I know I'm going to be forgotten, I feel I shouldn't be, I know I have nothing of any conscience to leave behind for futer generations. I'm not Hunter S. Thomson, I'm not Virgina Wolf, and I'm definitely not Kurt Cobain the one person I look up to most in this world. I was not born with any special talents. I am in no way extraordinary. I'm just a piece of mold on cheese, scraped off before the real celebrity (the cheese) is eaten.
Two people in this world would be affected if I were to die right now. My parents. In thirty years my parents will be gone. Hopefully they have more than thirty years to live. I don't intend on dying young so much anymore. I'll be thirty next year at this time. Hunter S. Thomson lived a long time, and ended up killing himself. Same with my grandfather. Well he was only 55 years old, but he wasn't young. His last name was Young, so in a way he did die young. I'm getting off track.
That's as well as I can explain my self hatred, and my death wish. In conclusion I hate myself and want to die.
As for the after life I have no idea what will happen. The one thing I do know is that energy cannot be created nor destroyed and we are made of energy so in a way we are never really destroyed. If string theory is correct there are more dimensions, who knows what exists in those dimensions. We do know that we decompose and our matter becomes apart of the universe, just not in the form we are composed of now. Dust to dust and we all fall down.