Saturday, March 31, 2012

If you want to find me, email me

Those of you who want to follow my new blog, email me at and I will send you my new blog adresses. Gledwood, I already sent you one.

Family, I won't tell you were I'm blogging from.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Oink, oink

Its sunny. Finally I can go to the beach and soak up the sun. Finish reading Mrs. Hollaway, and start Catch 22. I got Kevin to read Wurthering Heights. He's taking his time reading it. He's had it for four days, and normally he finishes a book in two days at most. We've made plans to go scuba diving next week. Its a 120 dollars per person, which is a fair amount. I justify it by saying I would spend that much on heroin in Green bay in a day. Instead of getting high on a drug, I'm going to get low under the water. Woot woot.

I'm gonna tell Kevin about my addiction, and give him my book today. We already spent the money for scuba diving so if he decides he doesn't want to be with me after he reads my book, we will still have to go scuba diving together. Wait, he could always get his money back. I'm sure they would charge a fee though. He's pretty cheap so he would probably still go scuba diving.

My UA came back positive for opiates at the clinic, so after over 90 days waiting to get my take home dose, I got it taken away. Now I have to do another 90 days just to get my take home back.

Gledwood doesn't understand how I can get off Methadone and a few month later go screaming back begging for a dose. The key to being on Methadone for me is not having too high a dose. I'm at 85 mgs. It takes two bags of  black tar heroin to break through my dose. I don't get the same high I got when I was off methadone, but there is still a glow. Also if I don't want to use heroin I can always take a bunch of benzos and get a glow off my Methadone. If I just want to be straight I just take Methadone and not abuse benzos. I understand methadone is not for everyone. I find Methadone the perfect fix for my addiction. When I was just using heroin and other street opiates I was depressed when I wasn't high, and was always anxiety ridden when not high worrying about getting high. With Methadone there is no depression. At least not a terrible depression like it was on heroin. When I was on heroin there was never enough. Now there is always enough. I know this doesn't clear it up at all, but I tried.

Hmm, nothing else to  really write about. If Kevin and I have sex tonight or today I will write about it in detail.  I might write some erotica and send it into pent house and see if I can't get paid for it. I can only write about sex if I'm aroused. Sometimes I'll start out not aroused, but I'll get myself aroused by writing about it. So it starts slow, but then gets dirty.

I wasnt' going to mention the comments, but I have to. Why anon's are so fucking mean to me? I guess I'm not pretty. I know I'm not fat though. I know that. You guys are trying to hurt my feelings, and whoever it was that said that about my sister, that was sick. You said something to the tune that anyone who reads my blog is stupid, well you must have read every word I ever wrote, because I haven't written about my sister in years.  So your stupid too. Plus I never said I was a good writer, I've always made a point of saying I'm not a good writer. I suck at it. I know that. Just like I know I'm not fat. My BMI is in normal range for my height and age. I may not be rail thin, but I'm not fat. No matter how much or how many people tell me I am, I will not believe it, because I've been fat and know how it looks and feels. I don't look or feel fat anymore.

I'm not going to tell Kevin about my blog because I don't want him to read the comments. I could always delete them. Hmm I just might do that. Take away your voice. Ha ha.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

It rained and rained

I've been staying home reading. I liked Anna Karenina so much that I thought I'd read War and Peace. So since it started raining two weeks ago, I have just been reading. I finished War and Peace and am now reading Mrs. Hollaway. Here in Hawaii it was soaking wet, we got 19 inches of rain in a week. Everything was flooded. It smelled like shit everywhere. The sewage treatment plant went out of control because of the flooding.

Its stopped raining two days ago, but its been cloudy ever since. I miss the sun here in Hawaii. I haven't been to the beach in weeks. My tan is fading. I got take home doses aka phase two at the Methadone clinic. Then I had a really bad toothache, and went to the ER for some pain relief, and all they gave me was Aleve. I had already been taking A shit ton of Advil, so I knew the Aleve wasn't going to do anything for the pain. So in a move of pure stupidity I bought two bags of Heroin, here it only cost 40 dollars, compared to the 100 dollars it would have cost in Green Bay. So I shot up the heroin, and it did nothing to curb the pain in my tooth. It did get me high, and I nodded out all day. Then the next four days after getting a root canal I slept. I only was awake for about five hours a day, and I spent that time reading. I didn't even write in my journal.

I decided against writing on here, because I watched my stats when I blogged three days in a row, and my stats didn't change, so I thought fuck it. The same amount of people are reading weather I update or not.

I started seeing a guy. His name is Kevin. He's only 27, but he looks a lot like Kurt Cobain. He's even stuck in the 90's like me. Even though he was even younger than I was when grunge took over. I met him at the Barns and Noble in the Mall. He was reading On The Road by Kerouac. I always fall for boys who read beat nik writers. He is not a addict. Which is new for me. He has no idea what I go through. I haven't told him that I had a relapse. I don't even consider it a relapse because of the extenuating circumstances. I go over to his place which is two streets down from mine. I'm on Nahua St. and he's on Kuhia st. By the Food Pantry. He has been coming over to my place more since my toothache.  He just read, and watched TV while I slept. We had sex in between there, but mostly I slept and read.

We both love watching the Office. He got me watching the British version of The Office. Funny stuff. I still haven't told him I wrote a book, and he knows nothing about this blog. I'm afraid I'll scare him off. Oh well. Who cares, its not like I'm in love. I'll give him a copy of my book sooner or later. I got to go I'm feeling sick to my stomach. Plus Kevin is coming over soon.