Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My first of 12 post about Bi Polar and mental illness

Here is a general definition of Bi Polar disorder. I am considered Bi Polar 1 not 2. I tend to have a mixed state of emotions. I also have a disorder I've never once mentioned here on my blog or to anyone except my doctors, and parents. Hardly anybody knows about it. The funny thing is when I first started writing about my life with Bi Polar I was not going to mention the other diagnosis. Until a new reader, read a blog post I had written when I left blogger. She saw it right off the bat. She left a comment on the post saying she thought I might have this disorder, and should see a doctor and adjust my meds. I didn't respond. This disorder has a lot of stigma attached to it. Even Doctors sometimes treat you differently when your chart even mentions this diagnosis. So Ashley, you nailed it. I have borderline personality disorder. Just the fucking words, "personality disorder" make me want to puke. If I could get a hold of my medical records I'd take that diagnosis out. I've had doctors that have literally passed me onto another doctor because I had both bi polar 1 with psychotic symptoms, and borderline personality. People with a mental illness and a personality disorder are often described as untreatable. Neither can be cured, and both affect your mood. I was diagnosed with both Bi Polar and Borderline at the same time by the same doctor when I was hospitalized the second time for attempting suicide. My first suicide attempt I was diagnosed with severe depression and borderline personality disorder.

Gledwood, now you see why I never wanted to write about this subject.

(All the words underlined and colored are links, you can click on the word and learn more)

Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder, historically known as manic-depressive disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[1] These events are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Severe manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.

Estimates of the lifetime prevalence of bipolar disorder vary, with studies typically giving values of the order of 1%, with higher figures given in studies with looser definitions of the condition.[2] The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during mixed and depressive episodes. In some cases, it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In others, it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements. There is significant evidence to suggest that many people with creative talents have also suffered from some form of bipolar disorder.[3] It is often suggested that creativity and bipolar disorder are linked

Borderline Personality Disorder aka BPD. Which is confusing Bi Polar Disorder is also BPD?

(BPD), (according to the ICD-10 World Health Organization disease classification, emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type), is a personality disorder marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations.[n 1]

The disorder typically involves an unusual degree of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting. BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, issues with self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.[1] It is only recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) in individuals over the age of 18; however, symptoms necessary to establish the disorder can also be found in adolescents.

Splitting in BPD includes a switch between idealizing and demonizing others. This, combined with mood disturbances, can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. BPD disturbances may also include harm to oneself.[2] Without treatment, symptoms may worsen, leading (in extreme cases) to suicide attempts.[n 2]

There is an ongoing debate among clinicians and patients worldwide about terminology and the use of the word borderline, [3] and some have suggested that this disorder should be renamed.[4] The ICD-10 manual has an alternative definition and terminology to this disorder, called Emotionally unstable personality disorder. There is related concern that the diagnosis of BPD stigmatizes people and supports discriminatory practices.[5] Behavior.

Comorbid (co-occurring) conditions are common in BPD. When comparing individuals diagnosed with BPD to those diagnosed with other personality disorders, the former showed a higher rate of also meeting criteria for [31]

·         anxiety disorders - the large majority of borderlines have an anxiety disorder

·         mood disorders (including clinical depression and bipolar disorder) - the large majority, estimated to be around 96% of hospitalized borderlines have a mood disorder

·         eating disorders (including anorexia nervosa and bulimia)

·         and, to a lesser extent, somatoform or factitious disorders

·         dissociative disorders

·         Substance abuse is a common problem in BPD, whether due to impulsivity or as a coping mechanism, and 50 percent to 70 percent of psychiatric inpatients with BPD have been found to meet criteria for a substance use disorder, especially alcohol dependence or abuse which is often combined with the abuse of other drugs.[32]

A high proportion of people with BPD also have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The two conditions share some features, including impulsivity.[33]

Borderline personality disorder and mood disorders often appear concurrently.[2] Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment.[34]HYPERLINK "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder" \l "cite_note-APAguide-39"[35]HYPERLINK "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder" \l "cite_note-40"[36] Both diagnoses involve symptoms commonly known as "mood swings." In borderline personality disorder, the term refers to the marked liability and reactivity of mood defined as emotional dysregulation.[citation needed] The behavior is typically in response to external psychosocial and intrapsychic stressors, and may arise or subside, or both, suddenly and dramatically and last for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks or months.[37] Bipolar depression is generally more pervasive with sleep and appetite disturbances, as well as a marked nonreactivity of mood, whereas mood with respect to borderline personality and co-occurring dysthymia remains markedly reactive and sleep disturbance not acute.[38]

Some hold that BPD represents a subthreshold form of affective disorder,[39]HYPERLINK "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder" \l "cite_note-44"[40] while others maintain the categorical distinction between the disorders while noting they often co-occur.[41]HYPERLINK "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder" \l "cite_note-46"[42] Some findings suggest BPD lies on a bipolar spectrum, with a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders.[43]HYPERLINK "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder" \l "cite_note-48"[44] Other findings suggest that the DSM-IV BPD diagnosis mixes up two sets of unrelated items—an affective instability dimension related to Bipolar-II, and an impulsivity dimension not related to Bipolar-II.[45]

Now that I've ousted myself as a person with a personality disorder, some of things I've written here might make more sense to you. There are a lot of down sides to borderline personality. Impulsiveness for instants, I do things without thinking ALL the time. It’s always causing me problems. Also lying to the point of lying compulsively. I've worked on this part of Borderline Personality with my shrink extensively. The weird thing is, I lie about small stupid things almost always and there is no benefit for me in lie. I've asked over and over again why I have this compulsion to lie. All the shrink can tell me is it’s a coping mechanism that is particular to me. In romantic relationships I lie a lot because I'm afraid of being abandoned. My fear of abandonment is serious. I freak out and become irrational the second I think someone I love is going to leave me. I'm told This is usually brought on by some significant trauma in childhood. I'd say with the two close up suicides I witnessed as a child is the most likely cause of not just my abandonment issues, but also the cause of borderline personality disorder. The worst symptom for me is the need for immediate gratification. If I'm not immediately gratified I believe I've failed. This will cause me to become despondent. I won't want to try again because I wasn't immediatly gratified last time I tried. Another issue I've been working on extensivly with my thererapist.

As I mentioned I was first diagnosed with severe depression and BPD. Why did my diagnosis change the second time I was hospitalized? My mood swings were sever and the accompaniment of psychosis in manic state, and delusional thinking in sever depressive episodes, and in mixed episodes. Also the fact that my moods would change with no external stimuli and not in reaction to some thought etc. The fact that my sleep and appetite would change with my moods is also another reason my diagnosis was changed.

With these two diagnosis’s, I'm in a sort of catch 22 (just read the book Catch 22) Even if my bi polar meds do work and even out my mood swings, I'm still susceptible to the mood swings of a borderline personality for which there is no known medications to help stop or lessen the mood swings. This is why people like me are a doctor’s nightmare. Doctors want to solve problems by pushing pills. When a patient is immune to the medications what can they do, except advise the patient to get psychotherapy, and keep taking thier medications. "We'll switch them around to see if we get any positive results". If I had a dime for every time a doctor has said that to me, I'd be rich.

Gledwood kept wondering why my doctor would put me on Adderall when I'm Bi Polar, and I always said I don't know. Well I do know. People with BPD often have severe attention deficit disorder and hyper activity. Since my moods are going to swing no matter what, may as well help with the attention deficit.

So this is the beginning of a LONG essay I've written about my experiences with mental illness. Its 10 pages long on Word document with around 12 thousand words. So I've decided I'm going to divide this essay into parts, and post one part every week until the entire essay is on my blog. There will probably be around 12 posts, with around 1 thousand words to a post. If I were to copy and paste the rest of my essay (which doesn't include what I wrote before the Wikipedia information), this one post would take a person of average reading abilities at least two hours to read. Nobody would.


Anna Young said...

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I've put this information up on an askahacker website. I have latitued and longitued, but its in the ocean right off West Palm Beach FL.

I've already called Time Warner Cable about the IP's abuse. I informed the police West Palm Beach authorites about this IP address. They are downloading childporn.

Anna Young said...

I've found another kiddie porn ring in Raleigh NC, near Glen Forest RD. Possiably even 4867 Glen Forest Rd. Raleigh NC. Sickning.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog on and off for a while now and just added it to my reader. Hi! I'm alice and I have BPD too. Fuck the stigma! When I was first diagnosed I was told not to tell people :/ and that I might have problems being treated.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic (sober from alcohol at the moment but still smoking pot). Anyway, just wanted to comment, to say that I am a new regular reader and to sympathise on the BPD stuff. I feel lucky I'm not also bipolar.


Anna Young said...

Makes me feel good that admitting I have BPD has brought me new regular reader.
I've been so ashamed that I have a personality disorder for so long. Whenever my doctor or my therapist said the words boarderline personality I would cringe. It took me a long time to stop lying to the people trying to treat my personality disorder, trying to manipulate them into changing the diagnosis. When I first would see a new doctor or shrink I wouldn't mention that I had BPD or Bi Polar to see if that doctor or shrink would notice it. I would estimate that 30 to 40% of them would catch one or the other, and only one caught both before getting my medical records. That is out of 13 different clinicisons since I was diagnosed.

I would like to read someone elses blog our story who has both Bi Polar and BPD. I would like to know if others lie and seek instant gradification. What do the others find to be the worst part of BPD?

Gledwood said...

My best friend "Pinky" has borderline personality disorder as well. I'm not fazed by it... but I agree with you, there is something insulting about being told you have a personality disorder, as if there is something wrong with your Self. Not just a disease you suffer from. They thought I had some personality disorder too and got me to read up on them. She thought I was anxious/avoidant or dependent, the stupid cow. These are the Opposite of me. A dependent personality disorder depends on other people, whereas at heart I don't give a crap for anyone's opinion. As for anxious, she gave me a sheet on tips for coping with anxiety. The person this was written for ceased to exist 20 years ago. The last thing I'm going to do is lay in bed turning over some worrysome subject in my mind. My method of coping is to distract myself so completely away from problems I forget what they are.

Anyway as for the BPD don't worry about it. Did you think I would somehow think less of you? Of course I don't. Take it easy Baby... :-)

ps there's a personality disorders link on my sidebar. I took the test and got schizotypal 86% and borderline 82% ~~~ see I'm borderline too!

Beth said...

Anna, remember that far more people have personality disorders than choose to admit. Find your strength in admitting that you have problems and choosing to deal with them, rather than ignoring them and hoping that they go away.
The more people that talk about things, the more understanding.

Gledwood said...

Do you find you switch between "idealizing and demonizing others"? Do you get into over-intense friendships that subsequently cool down... then maybe drastically heat up again as time passes?

I only ask this because I think I do, and I think lots of people do...

As I said my best friend has BPD but I can never see what in her behaviour is influenced by that...

Anna please come to my post on coping styles
and answer what style do you have?

Anna Young said...

Thank you Beth. I agree, more people suffering from a personality disorder should be more open about it. Maybe that would take away some of the stigma associated with all personality disorders.

I bet there are many famous people who have BPD, or some type of PD. Lindsay Lohan, Tatem O'neil, Brittany Spears, Courtney Love, the list could go on and on. It is much rarer in men to have any personality disorder except anti-social pd, which mostly found in men.

It wasn't so much that I thought you would think less of me, it was more me just being eyeshot embarrassed about it. Since I've come out with my BPD diagnosis, I've only had two hatefull comments, and of course they were anonymous. One was from the guy I've been leaving ghost comments too, and the other was from someone in Washington DC. Truthfully I thought I'd get alot more haters coming out of depths from which they lurk to make sure I new how I'm pathetic and should die.
EG. your personality test on the sidebar, and I haven't taken it yet because I know I have BPD. Did you just put that up after I came clean, or has it been up for awhile.
EG. thinking in black and white aka idealizing and demonizing, no I don't think I do that. I more of a manipulater. I tend to use people and become super close friends, then I get what I want and drop that person in a heart beat. It's like I can't let myself become a true blue friend because I'm scared to death they will leave me one day. So I just don't let myself become emotionally vested in another person. As far as sexual relationships I have are uber intense. I burn hot and turn cold in seconds. In my essay about BO POLAR & BPD, I give examples of things I've really done.

So stay tuned for the second installation of my Bi Polar essay.

Ashlyn O'Brien said...

well you have another new regular reader with BPD, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD as well as serious addiction issues. So don't feel alone or ashamed. I feel like I know you from reading your blog!

Anna Young said...

Thanks Ashley, if were not for you I probably never would have admitted it. Now that I've come out someone said, “duh we knew all along you had bpd”, funny everyone knew, but nobody ever once said anything about it until you left that comment on the"don't piss yourself I'm coming clean on all my lies" post.
Actually I only got a comment from my troll who said everyone already knew. Gleds said he suspected it, but was too nice to comment on a personality disorder that I never even hinted to having or even knew about it. Which is why I love Gleds so much.
I hope to get to know you very well also Ashley.

Ashlyn O'Brien said...

fUCK THE TROLL!!! and its kinda cool that maybe alot of readers suspected it-that just means they have experienced it one way or another. And I hope you dont mind that I asked about maybe that being it-- but I see it has helped you deal with the "shame" or just didnt wanna be put in that catagory because i sure didnt either. Ive had the same experiences with doctors etc. over all of my diagnosis.Sending you lots of GOOD VIBES LOVE LIGHT AND PRAYERS! XO by the way my name is Ashlyn but a lot of people want to say Ashley!

Carrion Doll said...

I also have BPD, diagnosed 9 years ago. have you ever looked into DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy)? It comes from Buddhist meditative practices. I have followed some Buddhism, so it intrigues me but I have not tried it yet.

I have had no treatment for sometime now but I just got my insurance straight and I am planning on returning. Problem is I have medicaid so IDK if they will cover DBT. I just got them to cover my suboxone script but not my god-awful-exspensive-addiction-specialist-doctor. And I found some crazy shit out about said doctor that I will add to my blog soon.

But I have to do something. This disorder has really caused some bad times in my life. I have done ok with trying to be mindful and keep it somewhat in check. But I don't think I am doing as well as I thought.

Oh and I am fully convinced that my husband has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I have researched it for years and everything I read is him. It's so him that alot of what I have read almost could have been written about him personally. My poor kids...

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Anonymous said...

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Anna Young said...

Thank you both. I'm glad I posted this. I had been so scared of negative feed back.