Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Too many titles...

I promised I'd post a page or two of the manuscript I'm working on right now. I have three different working titles. I first was calling it "Girls are Stupid", and then moved on to "Teenage Girls are Stupid", and now I'm thinking of a plain and simple title "Teenage Angst".

It was but a minute ago I had copy and pasted the first version of my manuscript here on blogger. With its under developed characters, iffy plot, and undecided setting. So I deleted it for fear of the back lash I got last time I wrote a book and before getting it published I posted parts here. My feeling were hurt pretty badly. I should have heeded their voices telling me the manuscript was shit. The book would be much better as far as writing goes, not so much story.

Instead of giving you two pages of pure shitty writing, instead I'll give you an overview of the book so far. As I'm doing this I'm working on The Art of Styling Sentences and The Elements of Style. Now bear with me. I have just began reading these two books. Starting with the former, I just opened the latter.

The book says study the "greats" and steal their styles for now until you develop your own voice. I don't know what to think. I've been blogging for a number of years now and have in a way come into my own style of writing. Sure its not as good as the "greats", but it is mine. Would you agree? I need a lot of work on using my "it's, its" one is a possessive and the other a contraction. Now I just need to remember that when I'm in the "groove", so to speak, while writing. Another thing, I write syntax in my blog all the time and say I've improved my syntax, but I looked up the meaning of syntax once, and I've since forgotten its meaning. I believe its just word for sentence structure?  I should Google it when I'm done here.

Enough of all that technical mumble jumbo. Onto telling you about my new manuscript. I started my story by first naming characters. I like old names, or names you'd associate with an older person. I'm not a big fan of Jenny's and Kelly's or the like. Victoria, Edaline, Annaliese, Eleanor, Enoch, Nathaniel, Emilia, Enric, all of which are some of my character's names are the type of names I like. At first the main character was Victoria, but as the book became more and more about a fictional me I changed it to Annaliese and I love the last name Eyre so its the main character's families last name. I also love Jewish people and things, so Annaliese's best friend Victoria's last name is Goldstien. I stuck to stereo types of Jewish people, and Mr. Goldstien is the owner of a The Bank of Maine. Where they live in the city of Ellsworth. Population 7,741, in Hancock county. Annaliese and her Irish twin sister Edaline are much poorer than the Goldstine's. Mr. Edric Eyre is a lobster fishermen, and Mrs. Amelia Eyre is a stay at home mom and sometime unlicensed babysitter for friends and family. The Eyre's live on a poorer street...Oak lane, in a small ranch style house with two bedrooms. Annaliese and Edaline share a room. Annaliese's birthday is Feb. 20th 2001 and Edaline's birthday is Feb.19th 2002 which is why they are Irish twins. Annaliese's best friend Victoria has a older brother Nathaniel age 15, who later Annaliese will have a crush on. Annaliese and Victoria are both 11 soon to be 12, and in 6th grade.  Victoria birthday is March 2, but they tell people its Feb. 31st to fool people. They often identify how smart of stupid people are if they catch that there is no Feb. 31st in February.

I'm sorry I wanted to write much more, but I'm being summoned by mother to go to Shopko and pick up my medicine. Mutha effer.

Live long and prosper

Monday, August 27, 2012

Trip went all wrong, and my dog almost dies.

I will never take this post down. F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The stuff about my "female cousin" was greatly exaggerated. I apologize to her.

This weekend was...hmm I don't know how to explain it. I went up to one of my aunts (paternal) in Medford Wisconsin which is upper central Wisconsin. We stayed at a cabin in the woods on a private lake. We got there on Saturday around noon. We had gotten a late start, not because of me and having to go to the clinic to get my Methadone dose. It was because when my mom is going to be away from home for more than 20 hours, she packs as if she's leaving for three months. So I was sitting reading Slaughter House 5. I had never finished it since last time I tried to read it. I felt it was bad luck because it was when that person accused me of being in on a plot to rob him of $100.00. I just gave him an old phone number of my old dealer, who switches phones every month at all know the story. Anyway that's why I considered the book bad luck. Turns out is truly bad luck, but more on that later.

When we got to the cabin I was told I would have a bed in doors with air conditioning. It didn't happen as planed to say the least. The only reason I had wanted to go to the cabin was to see my favorite cousin Tom Judas. He and I talk a lot on the phone, and do a lot of texting. We also have a lot in common. Even though he is 9 years younger than I am. He's funny, and smart, has a life that I live vicariously through him. He's a binge drinker though, but who isn't at age 20.
People from Wisconsin am I right? Collage student's 18 through most of you and your class mates binge drink on weekends? Anyway getting off point here.

Turns out Tom Judas had a rough night the night before and didn't come home till 9am Saturday morning, and he went straight up to the cabin with his mom before he ever got a chance to sleep, plus he was still drinking when I and my family got up there. Although he wasn't drunk any longer he was still drinking. I don't know why. Maybe hair of the dog?  So the cousin who I'm closest to was not in the mood to talk, and I was. We couldn't get away from everyone to really talk anyway. It just plain old sucked ass.

Oh yes, I cannot leave this out. My mom and my aunt Debbie decided to go canoeing with Eleanor (my tea cup 4lb can't swim dog). I was mad when I saw Elle was in the canoe, but I thought what are the odds that they will have an accident. They were out on the lake for 20-25 minutes, when they showed up back on the shore by the cabin, my cousin went to help them come in and take the canoe out of the water. Then my stupid fucking aunt that I hate (who is on steroids for rheumatoid arthritis, and she thinks its like the steroids men use to form muscle aka juicer or roids. Now she thinks she's some kind of athlete. She stands up in the front of the canoe, my mom and Elle were in the rear. So my stupid fucking aunt Debbie Young stands up, and; oh no, her knees hurt and she couldn't stand up straight, and then she begins to piss her pants. Everyone is laughing, and my mom was laughing waiting for Debbie's big butt to get out of the canoe. What do you think happened next? The damn canoe tips over. Every ones laughing and drunk except me. As soon I saw the canoe was tipping I was on my feet running full speed to  the water screaming at the top of my lungs "ELEANOR" and I dove in to three feet of water hit my head, and started feeling around for Elle. It seemed like ten minutes was going by, but it was no more than 10 seconds.

When I get out nobody is laughing anymore except of course my aunt Debbie about her "accident". I was crying uncontrolably, Tom Judas ran up to the cabin and got all of us towels. I ran up the hill into the cabin found a hair dryer in someones suite case, and started warming Eleanor up and rubbing her with towel, she was coughing and snorting. She vomited up water. People were trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to be left alone. My mom kept apologizing, but I didn't blame her, she was right there with me diving down and feeling around to find her. Luckily the water is somewhat clear on that lake. Its a private lake. I just wanted to drown my aunt Debbie. I didn't like her before this, now I hate her guts.

Regardless, I fed Eleanor who was super hungry for some reason, and luckily I had a little pill box with my Clonazepam in it, and I took one and one half. When Elle was dry she ran into her bag. I know it sounds like, "you put her in a dog bag after all this", no it isn't like that, she LOVE LOVES her bag. Its like her safe place. Later that evening she got out of her bag and started chasing birds and squirrels around. When the sun went down she ran around by the fire up the hill on the other side of the cabin. Tom Judas' brother Nick got to the cabin around 8pm and stayed until 10pm, and at 10pm Tom Judas left with him. So there I was, didn't even want to be there, the only reason I came was to hang out with Tom Judas. By now I was so fucking tired I was nodding out and dropping my cigarettes. Then everyone began to talk about my addiction and my book...BTW most of my close older family hate my book. They say I put too much gross information about myself in the book. Can't Please everyone. Right? Then my female cousin who is 7 years older than me laid into me. I was wearing my new Free Pussy Riot t-shirt, which all the proceeds of the shirt goes towards the girls defense in Russia. All my cousin and aunts saw was the word pussy. My female cousin said, "Anna your almost thirty years old and you are still wearing band t-shirts, ratty clothes, bleach blond, messy hair. Sure it would have been cute if you were 18 or even 24, but by the time I was your age I was working at job I hate, and had two kids, a husband, a house, credit.  but now its time to grow the fuck up".

 I agree, but what I wear and my hair style have nothing to do with growing up. Getting out of my parents house, going back to school full time and become a teacher. She says, "You don't seem crazy enough to us to get SSD". Then I stuck up for myself and said," how many times have you visited me in the nut houses? How many times did you say you were afraid of me when I was manic, and how I keep myself locked away when I'm depressed.  So I said fuck it I'm going to bed." Since everyone there was older than me, after my cousin's Tom Judas and Nick left. Nick and Tom Judas are younger than me.

 I was told there wasn't enough room in the cabin for me too sleep, so I was to sleep in the tent my cousin brought. When I say my cousin who is saying I need to grow up, and who brought the tent, I'm talking about one of my female cousin's who is 37 and have a bunch of kids and jobs they hate. They always say in a condescending way, " Oh Anna, I wish I had your life, just sit around all day read, and write, watch your favorite TV shows". Fuck you bitch I like my life right now is what I'm thinking. Sure I'd rather be going to NYU this fall instead of NWTC next month for two math classes and a biology class, but that's life. If I ever want to get into NYU I have to take these classed and get super good grades. Take my ACT's and SAT's yet again and get out of this world scores. Then I'd be happy to have my SSD taken away so I could learn and live in the city that never sleeps. Have a crowd of friends with similar interests. Not just get married, get knocked up, get job, have babies, raise kids. I'm so sorry that's not how I want to live my life. I could never say that to them because they would be offended.

I set up the tent on as level ground as I could find with
the fewest rocks or anything to poke me all night. All I had was a blanket, a pillow, and my security blanket. I was far enough away from the fire that they thought that I was unable to hear their conversations, but I wasn't. I swear they talked about the title of my book for at least a half hour, and then my suicide attempts, drug usage, and general craziness. My female cousin said how she doesn't like her kids to be alone with me because I might tell them something I shouldn't. Like at age 14 she stole a car and drove down to Florida.

 Now that her kids are getting that age, and they might do something like that, she doesn't want them to say, "well mom you did it too." I hope those kids are hullagins, but don't turn out like their mom's. I hope they have high self esteem, open minds, kind  hearts. I made the mistake before going to my tent of telling my female cousin that I was basing some of the character's in my new book, "girls are stupid" after her and her twin sister's children. I don't plan on using their names and I'd never tell the kids that there are character's based on them in my book.  My female cousin was like "please don't".  Finally I said fine, to shut her up. I've already developed characters based on her kids and sister's kids traits. They are apart of some of the characters. Plus this book is going to be absolutely nothing like my last book. Its going to aimed at young adults. Going off point, I've been toying with the title a bit and I'm thinking a teen girl wouldn't buy a book called girls are stupid, but Teenage Angst might catch their eye. What do you think?

Around 1am it got quiet, and the fire was dying down. I was still wide awake, and around 2am I got up and got some water to put the embers of the fire out get a drink and pee. So I go in the house and what do I see, a couch no-one is using. So I go out and just grab my Banky and lay on the couch to sleep. Around 4am my aunt gets up and comes out her room and says, I want to sleep there, go back to the tent. So I do. Finally I fall asleep and don't wake up till 9am. When I got up I was swollen my hair was icky from the lake water, and I was getting dope sick because I usually take my dose by 7am. When I get out of the tent, everyone says OMG, you look rough. I felt rough, and they were teasing me how I was the only one who didn't drink yet I looked the roughest. They forgot how I jumped into cold water to save my dog, slept on rocks, was late in taking my Methadone dose.

When everyone went to breakfast, I stayed behind and took a shower. Eleanor stayed with me. After I was clean and in clean clothes and had my dose in me and a cup of strong coffee. (I rarely drink coffee, much less black) I decided not to take my Adderall that day, and instead took half a Clonazepam. My mom and Dad were the first back from breakfast, everyone else went to get Bloody Marys. Turns out my parents had a shitty night also. We all wanted to go home, even Eleanor. So we quick packed our stuff, and left before anyone got back. Did I mention we had NO, NONE, cell phone reception.

When we stopped at the gas station on our way home while my mom put gas in, and I plugged my phone into the car charger to check my emails and such. My dad listened to his voice mails. Turns out my dad's best friend Mike fell on his floor, and called my dad to come help him into bed like my dad usually does. He ended up laying there not wanting to call his neighbor because she would call an ambulance. Finally after he couldn't take it any longer, he called his neighbor lady. By the time she got there he wasn't breathing and had no pulse. She said she took about 15 minutes to get there. She yelled for help, and started CPR. When the ambulance got there they shocked his heart back, but nobody knew how long he went without air. Turns out he was brain dead. My dad was his emergency contact, and we were in that hell with no cell phone reception. So at the gas station my dad got the all the messages from hospital to have him tell them his wishes.

Did he want to live on life support  brain dead, or did he want the plug pulled. By this time Mike's sisters had gotten there and my dad raced home and to the hospital we all said our goodbyes, and my dad told the doctors that he has told him he didn't want to be put on life support. My dad tried to hide his tears behind the news paper, but when he passed away, my dad went up and kissed his forehead and said I love you and see you sooner or later. Me and my mom cried and cried. (This is why I think Slaughter House five is bad luck) We stayed until they took Mike to the morgue, and we left. The hospital is about 3 minutes from our new house.

Thank goodness our new house has this special cooling and heating system, and you can set your air or heat before you come home on your smart phone. I know I never mentioned where I moved, but that's because I don't want anyone to know where the heck I live. Aside from I live in Green Bay still. No longer in the condos. It may or may not be the house in the pictures... ah, fuck you know its not. My dad low balled them. Plus we couldn't get a loan for over $200,000 dollars and that house was $224,999. Unless my Grandma borrowed up 25 grand. I wish! My maternal grandmother dislikes my father very much so. Long story for another day.

In other news, my nook broke. I had the nook first edition, and the warranty was  expired, so for 30 bucks they would give me new nook simple touch with glow screen. I could have gotten a brand spaken new color tablet nook for 80 bucks, but I was using my parent's money, and I have to pay them back when I get my SSD money. All my SSI both state and federal go to rent and cell phone. So out of 700 bucks a month I live off $250 a month. No need to complain. I have my own space in this house, and rarely have to see my parents. I'm saving $150 a month to buy a new brass double bed (no queen) and some antique dressers and vanity. Plus a wrap around couch for my sitting area. Right now I only have one TV in my sitting area. The couch I want is only $350.00 so in three months I will get that couch. I want the bed to be antique also, but a nice new mattress and paint the brass white, and put a skirt around the bed. Oh man, I could go on and on about how I want to decorate my area of the house.

I'm done writing for now. I'm gonna go look though my diary and read what I was writing while they were talking about me around the fire when they thought I couldn't hear.

This post is dedicated to Uncle Big Mike. Miss you and love you!!!!

Live long and prosper

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Devil Inside...The Devil Inside

Found out why I can't find my Bi Polar essay. I didn't want to admit this, because I'm guessing whoever did this came from my it computer got hacked, and I had to pay 50 dollars and have my computer wiped clean. Now it’s as good as new aside from the fact that I lost everything I had saved on my computer, someone found a backdoor, and left a Trojan, or a worm, something to overwhelm my computer and not just make it slow down to a crawl, but actually crashed it. It's pretty much impossible to catch who hacked and crashed my computer. I know the cops can't do anything about it, and the FBI is so over loaded with much worse crimes. Even so I did call the local police and filed a complaint. The cop said "We'll check into it". After that I called geek squad for help. I did learn a lesson! Do not walk away from your computer while the Internet is active, not even for a few minutes. That's all it takes. I missed all the signals from my anti-virus software and spyware. I had it coming I figure for writing about hacking and programming on my blog.

 Enough about that! I am finally back on Adderall, and am no longer so damn sleepy. I just started back on the Adderall today, but so far so good. I didn't take any Clonazepam in the morning, and only one last night, and I haven't been taking my Silenor sleeping pill very often anymore. I haven't needed any sleep aids. I did need my Clonazepam for anxiety; even so I didn't even take the Clonazepam before bed for a few days.

While I wasn’t sleeping...those precious few hours a day, I'd try to do as much as possible. I would walk Elle if it wasn't rainy and it was rainy only one morning when I got back from the clinic. So I got outside almost every morning after dosing, which helped me feel like I was living a life. I would also write in my journal, and the only topic I would write about was sleeping and medications, and the one sex dream I had, and I woke up having an orgasm and humping the bed. I also wrote about the fact I dream about this one guy from high school all the time. I don't think about him in my conscious life...really ever. I wish there was still a psychologist who did dream analysis and could tell me how I can stop dreaming about this guy I went to school with, or at least why. 

Since I was sleeping all the time, I started a dream journal. I had been getting what seemed like a lot of REM sleep. Although my mom told me everyone thinks they get a lot of REM sleep when they dream because it seems so long in your mind, when it was really 5 to 15 minutes every hour or two. Anyway, I was having very vivid dreams about the guy from school, and I was always waking up crying because he didn't love me. Why do I want his love so bad subconsciously? Do I even really want his love? I ask my head shrink yesterday, and he told me that dream analysis has been discredited and isn't practiced much by doctors any longer, but I could go to physic. I looked at him with a look of contempt and in a cold tone, asked, "Are you really telling me to go waste my money on a psychic." He answered, "Well it’s just a suggestion". After that I wanted the appointment to be over because I was angered, and he felt it and ended the session. He gave me my script to Adderall and told me what I already guessed about my med changes.

I'm not against psychics per say. If Allison Duvua or even Sylvia Brown were to come to my house and give me at least an hour private reading I sure as hell wouldn't turn it down. I just wanted to put that out there if either is reading.  If you are, please feel free to email me and help me figure out these dreams. What makes it really strange to me is I'm not even attracted to men right now. I'm on as a bisexual and have gotten a few messages from two good looking girls with similar interests. Now that I'm more awake, I think I might pursue these girls.

Since I lost my f'ing Bi Polar essay for good (learned my lesson to put everything on a zip drive not just the pictures) I'm going to write from what I can remember after getting out of the hospital after my first full blown mania that lead to psychosis and subsequent hospitalization. Did I go into the hospitalization after my break down? My second and last time in the good Looney bin here in Green bay. After that one, it was Brown County Mental Health the state run facility. What a difference private insurance makes when it comes to mental health care. I'm not complaining about Medicaid and Medicare A and B, I'm just glad to have health insurance. The only debt I have is medical debt...13,000 dollars of it. I'm collecting all my unpaid medical bills to put them together and declare medical bankruptcy.
I've got another good post locked and loaded about my mom praying over me while I was sleeping so much. She's found God...yet again! Yet again she's over doing the whole church thing. She's never at home, she's always at church. She only reads Catholic books. Go to her Facebook page and look at all her posts. It’s a bit too much. One day I woke up around 6pm and there were three old ladies I didn't know and my mom praying over me. As if I was possessed by the devil. I and my father don't know what to do. She gets like this every time she finds a religion and it last at least a year where she's super into it.  Yes, yes, I've got a good post about those ladies praying over me.

Oh man, I got to go. I miss this...writing about nothing and everything. Oh yes, I have a good post about the clinic too. I have to get it done by tomorrow, because I'll be going up north with my family, the whole Young side of the family to the family cabin up in Medford. I'll be guest dosing in Wausau which is like an hour way, so a two and a half hour trip both ways if you include waiting to dose, and stopping at the gas station for coffee and smokes.

I have to really go now. I got a color Nook for 30 dollar because my 1st edition Nook broke and I got to pick from a free regular nook, or a 30 dollar refurbished color Nook. What'd ya think I was gonna pick. I have to go to the library to print out a shipping thing to ship the old nook back to Barns and Noble headquarters.

Live long and prosper!
Anna Grace

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Sleeping the day away...

I can't find my essay on bi polar anywhere on my computer. I looked to see if I deleted it accidentally and I didn't. I'm sorry you only got to read the beginning on my ride with bi polar. If I ever find it, I'll be sure to post the whole thing in its entirety. I'm also sorry for neglecting my readers for so long. Not writing any posts not even updates. I have no excuses, I've been on the Internet, and even set up a page for my book. I've let the cat out of the bag that I've been working on my second book. A novel, a fictionalized account of my youth. I'm not very far, about 35 pages in. That's with large text. At least this time I am writing on Microsoft Word, and not Microsoft Works. It helps to have the help with my grammar. Although I think a lot of people would be surprised at how much better my grammar has gotten since I wrote my first book, syntax too.

Onto other news. Now days I'm super anti-drug. I don't push it on other people, if someone is using I just tell them about treatments available to them. On the other hand I'm more aware of the shit that goes on outside the Methadone clinic. Idiots can't even drive down the road a little ways and sell and buy their drugs. They do it all right there in the parking lot. People like that are what give the Methadone clinic a bad name. The gas station across the street doesn't like when we (the methadone clients) come in the store, or even the parking lot. Now in the morning they have a cop patrolling that area. What is wrong with going down the road to the mall where there are tons of cars, and nobody would notice if you pulled up to someone and jumped in their car. Seriously the mall is maybe two miles up the road...if that. That's why my dealer always did. My heroin dealer, I never bought or sold anything at the methadone clinic in Green Bay. Hawaii is a different story.  It was right next to Best Buy and the parking lot was always packed there, so I'd often buy Xanax right there outside the clinic. Hawaii was a lot different scenario and people didn't judge us. Homeless lived all around there, and a lot of the homeless who lived near the clinic were clients who slept there so they could be close to the clinic in the morning so not to miss dosing hours. I'm trying to minimize what I did, it was wrong. I should have not bought drugs near the Methadone clinic. Here in Green Bay the clinic is super strict, but in Hawaii it was all "cool". I'd pop positive for benzo's and I'd tell my councilor I had a script to Clonazepam. She never once asked me to bring in proof. The only thing they really gave a fuck about was opiates, coke, and ice. They didn't even talk about weed as a drug, it was like smoking cigarettes. They expected you to smoke it. It makes me sick so I can't use weed. I do like shrooms and LSD as well as E. I would love to take all three at the same time. Has anyone reading this ever done that? If so please tell me what it was like.

My mood has plummeted from mixed to just depressed. I think it has to do with the extra Clonazepam. I even stopped taking them in the A.M. and I'm still sleeping all the time. I can lie my head down right now and fall asleep in seconds. I got back on my thyroid medication. I had to for the clinic. They took my blood and my levels are high, and I told them it’s because of the Clonazepam, but they just assume I'm taking extra off the street. Now I proved it could be due to my thyroid, and they are going to test again two months from now after I've been on the medication for enough time to let it work. I'm also on Abilify again 10mgs and Welburtin 450mgs. I take these during the day, as they are supposedly meds that keep you awake, but they were making me too sleepy, so I am now taking them at night as well as my Clonazepam. Just to be clear, I'm not taking 4mgs of Clonazepam at night, I'm only taking the 2mgs I'm supposed to. I might even cut it down to one if this mega sleep doesn't stop. Don't get me wrong I love sleeping, but not during the day. I feel like I've wasted my life away that day. I can sleep all day, and sleep all night no problem. I'd say 20 hours a day is not unusual for me.

I gots to go. I'm falling asleep writing this. You know what sucks the most, I can't read, and I've nothing to journal about.

Live long and prosper!


Friday, August 17, 2012

My new facebook page...

(1) Anna Young come to Face book and like my new page. Learn more about my second book... Click the above link to check it out.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Too much Clonazepam

Hey peeps, sorry about the background for the past few days. I eff'd it up pretty bad. When I look at my blog on my computer for some reason I can't see the pictures  on the side of my blog, and I can only see a quarter of my picture on top where the name of my blog is, and blog description. So I tried to fix it so I could see it correctly. All that I did was screw it up worse. I have no idea how to make it look as it did before I messed with it.

Sorry I didn't publish comments right away. For some reason the comments didn't go to my email, where I publish them right away. So when I logged in and I see a bunch of comments awaiting moderation I was like what the what!!

I can't write anymore right now, because I'm writing on my blog not on Word, and for some reason my cursor jumps around, and then deletes a whole paragraph right after I wrote it. I'll be posting my third part of the Bi Polar posts either today or tomorrow. Depending on if I can stay awake. They doctor upped my clonazepam, and now I can't stop nodding. Hate it! TTYL

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A comment to Gleds that was too long to post in comments

Yep, Prozac made me more depressed than I had been before I was put in the hospital. Back then it was "the wonder drug". Looking back from 95 to 2004 everyone was either on or had been on Prozac. Now they would have never put me on it when I was 13 because it makes teens more suicidal.
(I'm trying to remember everything you wrote, and answer all the questions)
That's funny you thought I meant bicycling when I would write cycling. Hahah!! I picked up from my doctors asking me every time I saw one if I had cycled or felt I was cycling now. Dr. lingo...
Hmmm, writing about my mental illness in my book. I know I only hinted at my Bi Polar in the book. You told me when you read the book before it was published I should re write and add more mental illness stuff in there. I guess, I just really had a stiff idea of what I wanted my book to be about. Plus I didn't want to put so much effort into it. Typical lazy apathetic Anna Grace. If I could re write the book now, it would be 90% different.
When I sent my book into the vanity press and I filled out the info about who I wanted to dedicate my book to, what name did I want to use etc, I put Anna Grace Young, yet they put Anna Young on the book. I didn't bother to call and complain, they didn't put the dedications in the book either. I figure fuck it, I'll use Anna Grace for my next book. I've changed my Facebook to Anna Grace Young, and my Twitter. I'd rather not be associated with my first book...unless my second is just as bad.
As far as your question, "Can I tell if I'm cycling into a mania", hell yes. I feel electricity buzzing through my body, I cannot sleep, I start to talk way too much and about anything that pops into my head. I also tend to get a craving for toothpaste and will start to eat it. I can't really tell if I'm hypo manic, because I just feel good, and want to think that's how I should normally feel. Not just flat, not depressed, not happy just existing. I would say I'm hypo manic often. When I stop sleeping, by the second night I know its time to call the doctor. If I keep taking my medications while I start going into a full blown mania I reach the peak by day four and feel better than any drug could make me feel. Very close to smoking crack, but you don't have to hit the pipe every five minutes to feel it. If I decide I want to stay feeling good, and go off my meds when I start to go manic I still peak around day four, but I don't come down on day six, I stay up for as long as 7days after the peak, so I'm manic for up to 12 days. I've been severely depressed for months at a time, but not manic for months. Hypo manic maybe, but not full on mania. Of course I like the manias, but I know the crash is coming eventually, and I know how bad I'll feel. So there is a lot of anxiety when I'm manic. I've only gone off my rocker really bad 4 times including my first in high school.
Crystal Meth compared to shooting coke...well it feels very similar imo, but the crystal meth last longer and you don't need to keep shooting up every five minutes or smoke every five minutes. It last longer and is cheaper. If crystal meth didn't do so much damage to your appearance I'd probably rather do crystal meth over coke. Just because its cheaper, and nearly the same feeling. Crystal Meth addicts will probably disagree. Ice heads are hard core about their drug. Its not very common here in Wisconsin, but when I was in Hawaii it was everywhere. The tweekers hung out on one street and two streets away were the crackheads, and in the Fort St. outside mall about two streets from the crackheads, was were the junkys congregated. All in Chinatown.
I wonder if your mania will last long, or if it will be a rapid cycle? As far as I know you've had only one mania that lasted more than three days right? The first one? Ever since then you've been cycling pretty rapidly. Almost daily or even hourly right? I've had that, but it was more, hypo mania or just feeling good to *boom* *smash* I want to die.
I've been in a mixed state lately. Ever since I got sick with strep throat I've been feeling doom and gloom, but can't sleep for shit. So today my Dr. upped my clonazepam from 2 a day to 4 a day, but only until I'm feeling more normal and am sleeping better, he also took me off the Adderall. So tomorrow I'll probably be sleeping....which will probably cause me to fall into a depression and sleep constantly...miss my Dr. appointment and bloody hell screw everything in my life up. I wish sometimes the doctor would just let me alone, and leave me work through it by myself with counseling every other day or something to make sure I'm not getting too out of control.
On average Bi Polar suffers, suffer 10 years before diagnosis. I got lucky and was seeing a shrink since I was 13. Still I suffered and still suffer because I've never found the perfect medication therapy...yet. I'm hopeful. Getting my bi polar under control would be a fucking dream.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Bi Polar part 2

Sorry I've been absent for so long. I've been sick, and when I got better I just didn't feel like opening anything electronic...not even the television. Instead I just smoked a lot of cigarettes, and went to the bar all weekend. On Sunday I watched TV so I could see True Blood. Only 3 episodes left. Can't wait to see the final episode of the season. The only thing that sucks is after the final episode of the season is you have to wait a whole f'ing year for it to come back on. Oh well, such is life. So I'm not going to bore you with my time off the computer. Instead I'll bore you with a copy and paste of my essay on Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. So...with no further ado...

I first attempted suicide at age 13 after losing my virginity. I had run away from home about 2 weeks after losing the big V. I ran away with one boy and two other girls. We stole a 12 pack of beer, and sat in the woods all day getting bit by mosquitos. At dusk I was supposed to be home. I had left a note on my desk in my room that I was running away. My mom found the note as soon as she got home from work. She called the police who found us in less than 20 minutes hanging out by the beach. They surrounded us with our beers in our hands, and yelled OFPD put your hands in the air. As if we were some hardened criminals with guns. Seriously the police in Oconto Falls have nothing to do, and if they get something to do they spend thousands of dollars doing it just so next year they will get money from the government.

Anyway I was handcuffed and stuffed in the back of a squad car with one of the girls I had run away with. I got an underage drinking fine, and was dropped off at my house, where my mom was sitting on the front porch with my aunt Debbie crying. The cop who dropped me off made a big spectacle of un cuffing me. My mom and my aunt just stood on the porch, as I walked in the house through the garage. When my mom came in, she was showing mixed emotions. She was kissing me saying I'm so glad you’re safe, and slapping me yelling "do you know what could have happened to you? Your father is on his way home from work. I called him and he said your ass is grass? When I looked in your room and found your note saying you were running away I read your journal. I know you had sex a few days ago. With that Corey blank kid. I don't know if I should tell your father or keep it to myself?" I apologized, and said I won't do it again. No one asked me why I ran away.

My father's truck rolled in the driveway about 20 minutes later. He had his belt out before he even got in the door. I was in my room writing in my journal and my door flew open and suddenly I was being whipped with the belt, and my mom was trying to pull my dad off me. She was screaming, "You’re just going to driver her further away. If you leave bruises she could call the cops and be put in foster care. That's what she wants". He was swinging at me with the belt and I was trying to dodge the hits. He got a few good whips in, and I successfully ran out of my room, took a bottle of Tylenol PMs off the top of the fridge, and ran outside and hid in the fort I had made behind our house in the thick bushes. I didn't have water to swallow all the pills. So I ran to the back of pool, and took handful after handful of Tylenol with drinks of pool water. Then I ran back to my fort, my mom came looking for me a few minutes later after she calmed my father down. I told her I was just sitting in my fort calming down. She yelled, "Get back in the house this instant Anna Grace". So I walked slowly towards the house and went inside. I sat down on the couch and listened as my parents yelled and talked. I answered when appropriate. About a half hour after taking 50 Tylenol I got really tired, but I kept vomiting. I couldn't make it to the bathroom and vomited on the floor in the kitchen. In the vomit was a bunch pills. My mom looked at the vomit and saw the pills and chaos again. I was pretty out of it, and instead of an ambulance picking me up, a cop picked me up and brought me to Community Memorial Hospital. Where I got my stomach pumped and was made to drink charcoal for my first time. After that I was so tired, and just wanted to sleep. Go home sleep for the next few weeks until school started.

Instead I was told that it was against the law to attempt suicide, and I was put in the back of the police cruiser, in handcuffs and driven to Bellin Psychiatric Hospital children's ward. Bellin is the fancy nut house that I've only got to go to twice while under my parents insurance. I got there, and my mother and father signed a bunch of papers, I filled out a bunch of assessments about how I was feeling. Then my parents said goodbye, and I was taken to the children's ward of the psych hospital. It was like 2 or 3am and the staff showed me to my room, told me that around 7am the phlebotomist would be in to take my blood. They offered me something to eat, but I just wanted to sleep. So I did.

I was in Bellin for a little over a month, and missed the first two weeks of 8th grade. While in the hospital I had a therapist, a psychiatrist, and psychologist. I was under observation every minute of every day. A nurse's aide followed me around even to the bathroom and shower. She wrote down everything she thought notable. The only time I was left alone was to see the Therapist, and the Doctors. The Doctors had me take a bunch of tests, and I had to tell them everything I was feeling. Why did you want to die? Over and over again. I kept telling them I didn't really think about it. I was just sad, mad, and wanted to just disappear. So I did it. Of course I was put on Prozac ASAP, and a few days later Ritalin for ADD, and Adavnt. I didn't know about Benzo's back them, and they only gave me the Adavnt at bedtime. Helped me sleep.

I didn't get my diagnosis until family counseling day. The Doctor (a guy) didn't look at me, instead he told my parents, and “Anna is definitely severely depressed, and shows signs of Borderline personality disorder as well as ADD. He gave my parents a bunch of information about these diagnosis’s and the medications I was on. He told my parents that he didn't normal diagnosis teenagers with personality disorders, but from what Anna has told her therapist, and from what we have seen of her behavior while hospitalized. She grows extremely attached to another patient, and when she meets a new patient she likes better she just drops the old friend and acts as if she never existed. She is boy crazy and we have to keep her from standing in the boy’s rooms doorways. She tends to go after the older boys age 16 or 17. She lies to them about why she is here. She lies about her medications" He went on and on until he finally addressed me, and asked me to tell my parents how I felt about them. I said, “I love you, but you treat me like I'm a little kids who should be playing with dolls". My dad said, “you are a little kid, your only 13 years old for Christ sake."

When I finally got out of the hospital my mom made sure I took my medication. That Prozac did nothing good for me, and I'd argue it made me more depressed. The Ritalin made my heart pound too much, so I was put on another stimulant Adderall. I saw a Therapist once a week until the year after I graduated high school. I didn't attempt suicide after that until I was 20 years old, after my sister died. I was hospitalized again though before I graduated high school.

My first psychotic episode age 17 almost 18. Still on Prozac and Adderall, and now on Lorazepam for anxiety. The days leading up to my psychosis were good days. I was happy, getting all my school work done, hanging out with people, not so obsessed with my boyfriend. The weekend before "it" happened I went to a beer party in the woods with two girlfriends of mine. After "it" happened, my friends and boyfriend told me I was acting different than normal. Too talkative, my eyes seemed too buzz with electricity, and I drank a shit load of booze and didn't seem to get drunk. Plus I was taking my dad's Percocet’s every now and again at this time when I didn't take my Adderall. Then one day during Lit class the teacher asked me a question about the book Of Mice and Men which I had read two days ago. I went on a rant about the book. I started crying when I thought about Lenny being killed by the person he trusted most. From that point on things get fuzzy. I threw my desk upside down, and screamed he didn't have to kill him!! I ran out of the class room, and the Mrs. Delzer ran after me. I ran into the office ranting and raving about Lenny, and the Principal didn't understand who Lenny was, or why I was so upset. I started to see people looking at me staring, following me, listening to me, and I was screaming at them. It seemed as though they were putting thoughts in my head. What if I accidently killed someone, would they kill me? Yes!! Then I became really sexual, and asked the vice principal if he wanted to fuck me. I went up to him and kissed, and when he pushed me away I slapped him. The school nurse was in the office now trying to talk to me. I was incoherent. I kept asking where all these people were coming from. Who were they? I had never seen them, they weren't my classmate. I got violent hit anyone who came near me. I put a letter opener to my throat. The cops and paramedics came in, and tried to corner me in the little office where the vice principal worked. There was an exit into the gym from the office, and I scooted around the cops, and ran into the gym screaming. I ran in circles from everyone, tearing off my clothes and peeing on the floor. I remember people talking to me, and telling me to do things. Seeing purple people. I went behind the bleachers, and cornered myself. Three people got a blanket and bull rushed me. I was kicking and screaming, I scratched my face and was bleeding. I was bare ass naked. They strapped me into that gurney in four point restraints. The high school is just down the hill from the hospital. So I was in the hospital. When I got there the next thing I remember is my mom in my room crying. The doctor said I might have diabetes, and had a low sugar or high sugar episode. So they took my blood sugar, and a bunch of vials of blood. Meanwhile I was strapped to the bed, and was happy as can be talking to my friends who weren't there, and seeing colors. My mom was asking me if I smoked pot or took LSD. I laughed and laughed didn't answer her. They didn't give me a sedative because they thought it was most likely drug induced. When my blood work came back clean, then they gave me a sedative. When I was calm enough to see straight, and make sense when talking they brought in the psych doc, who then told me the things I was hearing was not real, the voice i was hearing was me, my head was just thinking. I was alone in the room with the doc. Nobody could read my thoughts. I asked what’s going to happen to me. He said, well we are going to put you in an ambulance and bring you to Bellin Psych hospital in Green Bay. I was 17 so I would be on children's ward again, but since I was not safe to be around I would be in isolation until I could be medicated or until I became normal again. I asked what if that never happens. He said it will eventually.

I was put in Bellin and this time I was there from fall until just before Christmas. To find the right combination of medications that would keep me from "freaking out" again. It took me about three days to fully come out of it and back to depress. This time after about two months observation, and lots of input from my parents who told them what they have observed of my moods, my doctor told me I have Bi Polar disorder with Delusional thinking.

So that's just the beginning of my life with Bi Polar. More on the BPD will be coming in the next posts.