Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A comment to Gleds that was too long to post in comments

Gleds,
Yep, Prozac made me more depressed than I had been before I was put in the hospital. Back then it was "the wonder drug". Looking back from 95 to 2004 everyone was either on or had been on Prozac. Now they would have never put me on it when I was 13 because it makes teens more suicidal.
(I'm trying to remember everything you wrote, and answer all the questions)
That's funny you thought I meant bicycling when I would write cycling. Hahah!! I picked up from my doctors asking me every time I saw one if I had cycled or felt I was cycling now. Dr. lingo...
Hmmm, writing about my mental illness in my book. I know I only hinted at my Bi Polar in the book. You told me when you read the book before it was published I should re write and add more mental illness stuff in there. I guess, I just really had a stiff idea of what I wanted my book to be about. Plus I didn't want to put so much effort into it. Typical lazy apathetic Anna Grace. If I could re write the book now, it would be 90% different.
When I sent my book into the vanity press and I filled out the info about who I wanted to dedicate my book to, what name did I want to use etc, I put Anna Grace Young, yet they put Anna Young on the book. I didn't bother to call and complain, they didn't put the dedications in the book either. I figure fuck it, I'll use Anna Grace for my next book. I've changed my Facebook to Anna Grace Young, and my Twitter. I'd rather not be associated with my first book...unless my second is just as bad.
As far as your question, "Can I tell if I'm cycling into a mania", hell yes. I feel electricity buzzing through my body, I cannot sleep, I start to talk way too much and about anything that pops into my head. I also tend to get a craving for toothpaste and will start to eat it. I can't really tell if I'm hypo manic, because I just feel good, and want to think that's how I should normally feel. Not just flat, not depressed, not happy just existing. I would say I'm hypo manic often. When I stop sleeping, by the second night I know its time to call the doctor. If I keep taking my medications while I start going into a full blown mania I reach the peak by day four and feel better than any drug could make me feel. Very close to smoking crack, but you don't have to hit the pipe every five minutes to feel it. If I decide I want to stay feeling good, and go off my meds when I start to go manic I still peak around day four, but I don't come down on day six, I stay up for as long as 7days after the peak, so I'm manic for up to 12 days. I've been severely depressed for months at a time, but not manic for months. Hypo manic maybe, but not full on mania. Of course I like the manias, but I know the crash is coming eventually, and I know how bad I'll feel. So there is a lot of anxiety when I'm manic. I've only gone off my rocker really bad 4 times including my first in high school.
Crystal Meth compared to shooting coke...well it feels very similar imo, but the crystal meth last longer and you don't need to keep shooting up every five minutes or smoke every five minutes. It last longer and is cheaper. If crystal meth didn't do so much damage to your appearance I'd probably rather do crystal meth over coke. Just because its cheaper, and nearly the same feeling. Crystal Meth addicts will probably disagree. Ice heads are hard core about their drug. Its not very common here in Wisconsin, but when I was in Hawaii it was everywhere. The tweekers hung out on one street and two streets away were the crackheads, and in the Fort St. outside mall about two streets from the crackheads, was were the junkys congregated. All in Chinatown.
I wonder if your mania will last long, or if it will be a rapid cycle? As far as I know you've had only one mania that lasted more than three days right? The first one? Ever since then you've been cycling pretty rapidly. Almost daily or even hourly right? I've had that, but it was more, hypo mania or just feeling good to *boom* *smash* I want to die.
I've been in a mixed state lately. Ever since I got sick with strep throat I've been feeling doom and gloom, but can't sleep for shit. So today my Dr. upped my clonazepam from 2 a day to 4 a day, but only until I'm feeling more normal and am sleeping better, he also took me off the Adderall. So tomorrow I'll probably be sleeping....which will probably cause me to fall into a depression and sleep constantly...miss my Dr. appointment and bloody hell screw everything in my life up. I wish sometimes the doctor would just let me alone, and leave me work through it by myself with counseling every other day or something to make sure I'm not getting too out of control.
On average Bi Polar suffers, suffer 10 years before diagnosis. I got lucky and was seeing a shrink since I was 13. Still I suffered and still suffer because I've never found the perfect medication therapy...yet. I'm hopeful. Getting my bi polar under control would be a fucking dream.
ttyl
xx

7 comments:

GLEDWOOD said...

You should definitely use Anna Grace Young for your next book and the next edition of your present book. There's nothing to stop you re-editing it you know. Loads of writers have done that.

Yeah I felt like I was high on coke when I was trying to sleep it was just impossible.

that's the only thing that pisses me off. The drug clinic LYING saying if I gave up crack I'd get less paranoid when I got way WAY more paranoid when I had that breakdown last year (the symptoms were all mixed up so I could be really para one day but not paranoid at all the next... weird, huh? Also when I got to the top of mania I was more grandiose than paranoid. Like I was looking down on everything. That felt pretty good.

When someone shoots crystal meth, is there that hyper-intense rush like you get from coke? When I banged up British speed (amphetamine sulphate, not methamphetamine) it just felt like the speed coming on straight away. No special rush. Nothing like coke, I thought...

No the first mania lasted about 10 days though it wasn't there all the time, it kept alternating with depression. Or I'd feel pretty normal moodwise but really really weird (which was probably what my shrink calls the schizophrenia) then suddenly go really manic again if I went out with my friends in their car say I kept thinking we were going to an illegal rave because I felt really high on ecstasy... when I saw the shrink about a week into it I was still bouncing off the walls. I talked constantly for the entire appointment. I knew the kind of stuff he wanted to know: how long, how did it start, how intense, what hapened, how etc so he only asked 3 questions the entire session. One was "what do you know about schizophrenia?" which was a bit ominous. He looked really shocked when I walked in. I've never seen a look like that on a shrink's face. And this one was particularly professional. He has a private practice on Harley Street which is as posh as medicine gets in this country.

Yeah I do get hypomania just for one day. Just for a few hours sometimes. I was hyper for about 2.5 days, then "normal" for about 24 hours. Now I feel like I might be going higher... who knows where it's going..??!

PS I'm thinking of asking for clonazepam too. I need something I can take for anxiety OR insomnia...

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna, I'm sure I tried to comment here yesterday... that was a very good post. Yeah I feel as good as on coke when I'm getting proper manic. (I also get this kind of weak mania that I would call hypomania where I think I feel pretty normal, but eg if the phone rings I am suddenly really excited and talk talk talk. Music sounds much better. Lemonade tastes like nectar of the gods. And yet I don't really feel "high all the time" just more excitable. That is the really mild mania. Then there's one where I feel coked out all the time and just cannot sleep. Laughing. More paranoid too, sometimes. I can get really irritated easily, especially if I have to wait ages for something. Eg a computer to log in or a page to come up. My attention span also goes down, but I don't always notice. Then there's the proper really full on mania where I get hallucinations a lot, my mind goes so fast I cannot understand what I'm thinking any more. I get real peaks for a few hours where it goes so intense it's like being sucked out of my body and out of my mind. I end up yelling incoherently. Not because I'm trying to say anything, just because I end up repeating what I think or hear when I'm really mad (I don't know why). I haven't been like that for 18 months. I was manic for weeks on end, but the mood did cycle so I was really high for a week, then a lot less high for another week, then really high for a week... and so on. Then there seemed to be a few weeks in a row where I was just high all the time. I left really long comments to people like Melody but she seemed not to understand what the hell I was going on about. I was on medication nearly the whole time, except the first 10 days or so, which is why it was milder at the end, I think. I don't know how other people's manic episodes go. Eg I've seen moods plotted as graphs where the manic cycle looks like a mountain with the peak in the middle ie so if they're manic for 3 months it's implying they are highest 1.5 months into it. That is not what happened to me at all. I peaked in about 5 days and the basic pattern was the really really high mania wearing off over weeks and weeks (with the mood wobbling massively as it went).

Yeah I have been depressed for 3 years at a time. I wish I could be mildly manic for 3 years. Why does life have to be so shit that the ONLY illness I know of that makes you feel BETTER than normal has to make you feel like living crap for far longer than you ever felt good?

Gledwood said...

Really depression has ruined my life. I was really depressed at university. Yeah I did just about manage to have some social life despite that but I turned to drugs just to cope. Eg I was taking speed as an antidepressant. I thought it helped me see things clearly. Then I would crash so badly I could barely move. One time I was so ill afterwards I could barely get a sentence out of my mouth. I went to the dr a few days later and couldn't say anything except "I'm depressed" and he wrote me a medical cert for the entire term (we had terms back then not semesters). Depression fucked up my chances of ever getting a good job because I just could not put on the bullshit you need, you know pretending to be all enthusiastic about being somebody's underpaid dogsbody. Depression has ruined my friendships. It pisses me off that some people I have known have assumed the depressed me is the real me. Then when I'm normal again they assume I must be on drugs!

By the way I have been told I get hypomanic more than I realize and am often "high" but I would say (just like you) that that is normality.

Well I had better go now. Thanks for the post you know in the "real world" I have NO friends and never have had one who was bipolar. EVERYONE is schizo or depressive. Really fucks me off that I have NOBODY to talk to and if I do, the person just gets envious of my high. And then just starts fucking lying making out they're bipolar too when I had asked them loads of times over the years if they ever got manic episodes and they always said no. I really wish I could find a bipolar friend in real life who I could ask. Because I just find it really confusing. I'm glad to hear you also come off your meds when you're hyper. I sometimes wonder why the fuck I take medication at all to STOP me going high that is just ridiculous. As for depression, is that really an illness? When the world is a shitty dirty place full of hatred and deceit. How can it be "illness" to see clearly that we would all be better off dead than living in a world as shitty as this?

GLEDWOOD said...

Anna Darling, WTF has happened to you?
Publish your comments!

Bev said...

I learned more about bi now.I know a few ladies with it i dont know if its 1 or 2.But one lady I never knew any one as happy as her.She just breezes a round in her caftans like shes floating.Shes the funiest lady I ever me and I love her but she never remembers who I am???Only if I visit in person but shes far from meTake care Sugar Bun.xOXoxo

Gledwood said...

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★ ☆★ ☆★ ☆ ★☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺★ ☆★ ☆★ ☆ ★ANNA BABY thank you so much for putting a post specially for me. You know I am such a superior person I deserve my own post At Least Once Per Week. So please continue to oblige... Thank you XXXXXXX
I'll try and think up a post specially for you but what do you want me to write about. Answers please. Quickly...
xxxxxxx
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PS: That 2nd and 3rd comment of mine had to go in 2 boxes as it was "too long" for Blogger! How pathetic is that. They won't allow anything longer than about 4500 characters, which is less than 1000 words. When we did typing at school, we were told 5 characters made up the average word (this was not counting spaces). How vulgar!
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Anonymous said...

It sounds like you guys just love being labelled with various mental health disorders. Isn't it time to just get on with life-noones gonna help you. Stop taking drugs and get on with it. If you have disorders, sure as hell you are making it worse.

From a drug addict suffering from depression (it just annoys me how you spend literally years banging on about the same crap-it gets boring)