Sorry I've been absent for so long. I've been sick, and when I got better I just didn't feel like opening anything electronic...not even the television. Instead I just smoked a lot of cigarettes, and went to the bar all weekend. On Sunday I watched TV so I could see True Blood. Only 3 episodes left. Can't wait to see the final episode of the season. The only thing that sucks is after the final episode of the season is you have to wait a whole f'ing year for it to come back on. Oh well, such is life. So I'm not going to bore you with my time off the computer. Instead I'll bore you with a copy and paste of my essay on Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. So...with no further ado...
I first attempted suicide at age 13 after losing my virginity. I had run away from home about 2 weeks after losing the big V. I ran away with one boy and two other girls. We stole a 12 pack of beer, and sat in the woods all day getting bit by mosquitos. At dusk I was supposed to be home. I had left a note on my desk in my room that I was running away. My mom found the note as soon as she got home from work. She called the police who found us in less than 20 minutes hanging out by the beach. They surrounded us with our beers in our hands, and yelled OFPD put your hands in the air. As if we were some hardened criminals with guns. Seriously the police in Oconto Falls have nothing to do, and if they get something to do they spend thousands of dollars doing it just so next year they will get money from the government.
Anyway I was handcuffed and stuffed in the back of a squad car with one of the girls I had run away with. I got an underage drinking fine, and was dropped off at my house, where my mom was sitting on the front porch with my aunt Debbie crying. The cop who dropped me off made a big spectacle of un cuffing me. My mom and my aunt just stood on the porch, as I walked in the house through the garage. When my mom came in, she was showing mixed emotions. She was kissing me saying I'm so glad you’re safe, and slapping me yelling "do you know what could have happened to you? Your father is on his way home from work. I called him and he said your ass is grass? When I looked in your room and found your note saying you were running away I read your journal. I know you had sex a few days ago. With that Corey blank kid. I don't know if I should tell your father or keep it to myself?" I apologized, and said I won't do it again. No one asked me why I ran away.
My father's truck rolled in the driveway about 20 minutes later. He had his belt out before he even got in the door. I was in my room writing in my journal and my door flew open and suddenly I was being whipped with the belt, and my mom was trying to pull my dad off me. She was screaming, "You’re just going to driver her further away. If you leave bruises she could call the cops and be put in foster care. That's what she wants". He was swinging at me with the belt and I was trying to dodge the hits. He got a few good whips in, and I successfully ran out of my room, took a bottle of Tylenol PMs off the top of the fridge, and ran outside and hid in the fort I had made behind our house in the thick bushes. I didn't have water to swallow all the pills. So I ran to the back of pool, and took handful after handful of Tylenol with drinks of pool water. Then I ran back to my fort, my mom came looking for me a few minutes later after she calmed my father down. I told her I was just sitting in my fort calming down. She yelled, "Get back in the house this instant Anna Grace". So I walked slowly towards the house and went inside. I sat down on the couch and listened as my parents yelled and talked. I answered when appropriate. About a half hour after taking 50 Tylenol I got really tired, but I kept vomiting. I couldn't make it to the bathroom and vomited on the floor in the kitchen. In the vomit was a bunch pills. My mom looked at the vomit and saw the pills and chaos again. I was pretty out of it, and instead of an ambulance picking me up, a cop picked me up and brought me to Community Memorial Hospital. Where I got my stomach pumped and was made to drink charcoal for my first time. After that I was so tired, and just wanted to sleep. Go home sleep for the next few weeks until school started.
Instead I was told that it was against the law to attempt suicide, and I was put in the back of the police cruiser, in handcuffs and driven to Bellin Psychiatric Hospital children's ward. Bellin is the fancy nut house that I've only got to go to twice while under my parents insurance. I got there, and my mother and father signed a bunch of papers, I filled out a bunch of assessments about how I was feeling. Then my parents said goodbye, and I was taken to the children's ward of the psych hospital. It was like 2 or 3am and the staff showed me to my room, told me that around 7am the phlebotomist would be in to take my blood. They offered me something to eat, but I just wanted to sleep. So I did.
I was in Bellin for a little over a month, and missed the first two weeks of 8th grade. While in the hospital I had a therapist, a psychiatrist, and psychologist. I was under observation every minute of every day. A nurse's aide followed me around even to the bathroom and shower. She wrote down everything she thought notable. The only time I was left alone was to see the Therapist, and the Doctors. The Doctors had me take a bunch of tests, and I had to tell them everything I was feeling. Why did you want to die? Over and over again. I kept telling them I didn't really think about it. I was just sad, mad, and wanted to just disappear. So I did it. Of course I was put on Prozac ASAP, and a few days later Ritalin for ADD, and Adavnt. I didn't know about Benzo's back them, and they only gave me the Adavnt at bedtime. Helped me sleep.
I didn't get my diagnosis until family counseling day. The Doctor (a guy) didn't look at me, instead he told my parents, and “Anna is definitely severely depressed, and shows signs of Borderline personality disorder as well as ADD. He gave my parents a bunch of information about these diagnosis’s and the medications I was on. He told my parents that he didn't normal diagnosis teenagers with personality disorders, but from what Anna has told her therapist, and from what we have seen of her behavior while hospitalized. She grows extremely attached to another patient, and when she meets a new patient she likes better she just drops the old friend and acts as if she never existed. She is boy crazy and we have to keep her from standing in the boy’s rooms doorways. She tends to go after the older boys age 16 or 17. She lies to them about why she is here. She lies about her medications" He went on and on until he finally addressed me, and asked me to tell my parents how I felt about them. I said, “I love you, but you treat me like I'm a little kids who should be playing with dolls". My dad said, “you are a little kid, your only 13 years old for Christ sake."
When I finally got out of the hospital my mom made sure I took my medication. That Prozac did nothing good for me, and I'd argue it made me more depressed. The Ritalin made my heart pound too much, so I was put on another stimulant Adderall. I saw a Therapist once a week until the year after I graduated high school. I didn't attempt suicide after that until I was 20 years old, after my sister died. I was hospitalized again though before I graduated high school.
My first psychotic episode age 17 almost 18. Still on Prozac and Adderall, and now on Lorazepam for anxiety. The days leading up to my psychosis were good days. I was happy, getting all my school work done, hanging out with people, not so obsessed with my boyfriend. The weekend before "it" happened I went to a beer party in the woods with two girlfriends of mine. After "it" happened, my friends and boyfriend told me I was acting different than normal. Too talkative, my eyes seemed too buzz with electricity, and I drank a shit load of booze and didn't seem to get drunk. Plus I was taking my dad's Percocet’s every now and again at this time when I didn't take my Adderall. Then one day during Lit class the teacher asked me a question about the book Of Mice and Men which I had read two days ago. I went on a rant about the book. I started crying when I thought about Lenny being killed by the person he trusted most. From that point on things get fuzzy. I threw my desk upside down, and screamed he didn't have to kill him!! I ran out of the class room, and the Mrs. Delzer ran after me. I ran into the office ranting and raving about Lenny, and the Principal didn't understand who Lenny was, or why I was so upset. I started to see people looking at me staring, following me, listening to me, and I was screaming at them. It seemed as though they were putting thoughts in my head. What if I accidently killed someone, would they kill me? Yes!! Then I became really sexual, and asked the vice principal if he wanted to fuck me. I went up to him and kissed, and when he pushed me away I slapped him. The school nurse was in the office now trying to talk to me. I was incoherent. I kept asking where all these people were coming from. Who were they? I had never seen them, they weren't my classmate. I got violent hit anyone who came near me. I put a letter opener to my throat. The cops and paramedics came in, and tried to corner me in the little office where the vice principal worked. There was an exit into the gym from the office, and I scooted around the cops, and ran into the gym screaming. I ran in circles from everyone, tearing off my clothes and peeing on the floor. I remember people talking to me, and telling me to do things. Seeing purple people. I went behind the bleachers, and cornered myself. Three people got a blanket and bull rushed me. I was kicking and screaming, I scratched my face and was bleeding. I was bare ass naked. They strapped me into that gurney in four point restraints. The high school is just down the hill from the hospital. So I was in the hospital. When I got there the next thing I remember is my mom in my room crying. The doctor said I might have diabetes, and had a low sugar or high sugar episode. So they took my blood sugar, and a bunch of vials of blood. Meanwhile I was strapped to the bed, and was happy as can be talking to my friends who weren't there, and seeing colors. My mom was asking me if I smoked pot or took LSD. I laughed and laughed didn't answer her. They didn't give me a sedative because they thought it was most likely drug induced. When my blood work came back clean, then they gave me a sedative. When I was calm enough to see straight, and make sense when talking they brought in the psych doc, who then told me the things I was hearing was not real, the voice i was hearing was me, my head was just thinking. I was alone in the room with the doc. Nobody could read my thoughts. I asked what’s going to happen to me. He said, well we are going to put you in an ambulance and bring you to Bellin Psych hospital in Green Bay. I was 17 so I would be on children's ward again, but since I was not safe to be around I would be in isolation until I could be medicated or until I became normal again. I asked what if that never happens. He said it will eventually.
I was put in Bellin and this time I was there from fall until just before Christmas. To find the right combination of medications that would keep me from "freaking out" again. It took me about three days to fully come out of it and back to depress. This time after about two months observation, and lots of input from my parents who told them what they have observed of my moods, my doctor told me I have Bi Polar disorder with Delusional thinking.
So that's just the beginning of my life with Bi Polar. More on the BPD will be coming in the next posts.