Found out why I can't find my Bi Polar essay. I didn't want to admit this, because I'm guessing whoever did this came from my blog....here it is....my computer got hacked, and I had to pay 50 dollars and have my computer wiped clean. Now it’s as good as new aside from the fact that I lost everything I had saved on my computer, someone found a backdoor, and left a Trojan, or a worm, something to overwhelm my computer and not just make it slow down to a crawl, but actually crashed it. It's pretty much impossible to catch who hacked and crashed my computer. I know the cops can't do anything about it, and the FBI is so over loaded with much worse crimes. Even so I did call the local police and filed a complaint. The cop said "We'll check into it". After that I called geek squad for help. I did learn a lesson! Do not walk away from your computer while the Internet is active, not even for a few minutes. That's all it takes. I missed all the signals from my anti-virus software and spyware. I had it coming I figure for writing about hacking and programming on my blog.
Enough about that! I am finally back on Adderall, and am no longer so damn sleepy. I just started back on the Adderall today, but so far so good. I didn't take any Clonazepam in the morning, and only one last night, and I haven't been taking my Silenor sleeping pill very often anymore. I haven't needed any sleep aids. I did need my Clonazepam for anxiety; even so I didn't even take the Clonazepam before bed for a few days.
While I wasn’t sleeping...those precious few hours a day, I'd try to do as much as possible. I would walk Elle if it wasn't rainy and it was rainy only one morning when I got back from the clinic. So I got outside almost every morning after dosing, which helped me feel like I was living a life. I would also write in my journal, and the only topic I would write about was sleeping and medications, and the one sex dream I had, and I woke up having an orgasm and humping the bed. I also wrote about the fact I dream about this one guy from high school all the time. I don't think about him in my conscious life...really ever. I wish there was still a psychologist who did dream analysis and could tell me how I can stop dreaming about this guy I went to school with, or at least why.
Since I was sleeping all the time, I started a dream journal. I had been getting what seemed like a lot of REM sleep. Although my mom told me everyone thinks they get a lot of REM sleep when they dream because it seems so long in your mind, when it was really 5 to 15 minutes every hour or two. Anyway, I was having very vivid dreams about the guy from school, and I was always waking up crying because he didn't love me. Why do I want his love so bad subconsciously? Do I even really want his love? I ask my head shrink yesterday, and he told me that dream analysis has been discredited and isn't practiced much by doctors any longer, but I could go to physic. I looked at him with a look of contempt and in a cold tone, asked, "Are you really telling me to go waste my money on a psychic." He answered, "Well it’s just a suggestion". After that I wanted the appointment to be over because I was angered, and he felt it and ended the session. He gave me my script to Adderall and told me what I already guessed about my med changes.
I'm not against psychics per say. If Allison Duvua or even Sylvia Brown were to come to my house and give me at least an hour private reading I sure as hell wouldn't turn it down. I just wanted to put that out there if either is reading. If you are, please feel free to email me and help me figure out these dreams. What makes it really strange to me is I'm not even attracted to men right now. I'm on chemistry.com as a bisexual and have gotten a few messages from two good looking girls with similar interests. Now that I'm more awake, I think I might pursue these girls.
Since I lost my f'ing Bi Polar essay for good (learned my lesson to put everything on a zip drive not just the pictures) I'm going to write from what I can remember after getting out of the hospital after my first full blown mania that lead to psychosis and subsequent hospitalization. Did I go into the hospitalization after my break down? My second and last time in the good Looney bin here in Green bay. After that one, it was Brown County Mental Health the state run facility. What a difference private insurance makes when it comes to mental health care. I'm not complaining about Medicaid and Medicare A and B, I'm just glad to have health insurance. The only debt I have is medical debt...13,000 dollars of it. I'm collecting all my unpaid medical bills to put them together and declare medical bankruptcy.
I've got another good post locked and loaded about my mom praying over me while I was sleeping so much. She's found God...yet again! Yet again she's over doing the whole church thing. She's never at home, she's always at church. She only reads Catholic books. Go to her Facebook page and look at all her posts. It’s a bit too much. One day I woke up around 6pm and there were three old ladies I didn't know and my mom praying over me. As if I was possessed by the devil. I and my father don't know what to do. She gets like this every time she finds a religion and it last at least a year where she's super into it. Yes, yes, I've got a good post about those ladies praying over me.
Oh man, I got to go. I miss this...writing about nothing and everything. Oh yes, I have a good post about the clinic too. I have to get it done by tomorrow, because I'll be going up north with my family, the whole Young side of the family to the family cabin up in Medford. I'll be guest dosing in Wausau which is like an hour away...one way, so a two and a half hour trip both ways if you include waiting to dose, and stopping at the gas station for coffee and smokes.
I have to really go now. I got a color Nook for 30 dollar because my 1st edition Nook broke and I got to pick from a free regular nook, or a 30 dollar refurbished color Nook. What'd ya think I was gonna pick. I have to go to the library to print out a shipping thing to ship the old nook back to Barns and Noble headquarters.
Live long and prosper!