I will never take this post down. F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stuff about my "female cousin" was greatly exaggerated. I apologize to her.
This weekend was...hmm I don't know how to explain it. I went up to one of my aunts (paternal) in Medford Wisconsin which is upper central Wisconsin. We stayed at a cabin in the woods on a private lake. We got there on Saturday around noon. We had gotten a late start, not because of me and having to go to the clinic to get my Methadone dose. It was because when my mom is going to be away from home for more than 20 hours, she packs as if she's leaving for three months. So I was sitting reading Slaughter House 5. I had never finished it since last time I tried to read it. I felt it was bad luck because it was when that person accused me of being in on a plot to rob him of $100.00. I just gave him an old phone number of my old dealer, who switches phones every month at least...you all know the story. Anyway that's why I considered the book bad luck. Turns out is truly bad luck, but more on that later.
When we got to the cabin I was told I would have a bed in doors with air conditioning. It didn't happen as planed to say the least. The only reason I had wanted to go to the cabin was to see my favorite cousin Tom Judas. He and I talk a lot on the phone, and do a lot of texting. We also have a lot in common. Even though he is 9 years younger than I am. He's funny, and smart, has a life that I live vicariously through him. He's a binge drinker though, but who isn't at age 20.
People from Wisconsin am I right? Collage student's 18 through 21...do most of you and your class mates binge drink on weekends? Anyway getting off point here.
Turns out Tom Judas had a rough night the night before and didn't come home till 9am Saturday morning, and he went straight up to the cabin with his mom before he ever got a chance to sleep, plus he was still drinking when I and my family got up there. Although he wasn't drunk any longer he was still drinking. I don't know why. Maybe hair of the dog? So the cousin who I'm closest to was not in the mood to talk, and I was. We couldn't get away from everyone to really talk anyway. It just plain old sucked ass.
Oh yes, I cannot leave this out. My mom and my aunt Debbie decided to go canoeing with Eleanor (my tea cup 4lb can't swim dog). I was mad when I saw Elle was in the canoe, but I thought what are the odds that they will have an accident. They were out on the lake for 20-25 minutes, when they showed up back on the shore by the cabin, my cousin went to help them come in and take the canoe out of the water. Then my stupid fucking aunt that I hate (who is on steroids for rheumatoid arthritis, and she thinks its like the steroids men use to form muscle aka juicer or roids. Now she thinks she's some kind of athlete. She stands up in the front of the canoe, my mom and Elle were in the rear. So my stupid fucking aunt Debbie Young stands up, and; oh no, her knees hurt and she couldn't stand up straight, and then she begins to piss her pants. Everyone is laughing, and my mom was laughing waiting for Debbie's big butt to get out of the canoe. What do you think happened next? The damn canoe tips over. Every ones laughing and drunk except me. As soon I saw the canoe was tipping I was on my feet running full speed to the water screaming at the top of my lungs "ELEANOR" and I dove in to three feet of water hit my head, and started feeling around for Elle. It seemed like ten minutes was going by, but it was no more than 10 seconds.
When I get out nobody is laughing anymore except of course my aunt Debbie about her "accident". I was crying uncontrolably, Tom Judas ran up to the cabin and got all of us towels. I ran up the hill into the cabin found a hair dryer in someones suite case, and started warming Eleanor up and rubbing her with towel, she was coughing and snorting. She vomited up water. People were trying to comfort me, but I just wanted to be left alone. My mom kept apologizing, but I didn't blame her, she was right there with me diving down and feeling around to find her. Luckily the water is somewhat clear on that lake. Its a private lake. I just wanted to drown my aunt Debbie. I didn't like her before this, now I hate her guts.
Regardless, I fed Eleanor who was super hungry for some reason, and luckily I had a little pill box with my Clonazepam in it, and I took one and one half. When Elle was dry she ran into her bag. I know it sounds like, "you put her in a dog bag after all this", no it isn't like that, she LOVE LOVES her bag. Its like her safe place. Later that evening she got out of her bag and started chasing birds and squirrels around. When the sun went down she ran around by the fire up the hill on the other side of the cabin. Tom Judas' brother Nick got to the cabin around 8pm and stayed until 10pm, and at 10pm Tom Judas left with him. So there I was, didn't even want to be there, the only reason I came was to hang out with Tom Judas. By now I was so fucking tired I was nodding out and dropping my cigarettes. Then everyone began to talk about my addiction and my book...BTW most of my close older family hate my book. They say I put too much gross information about myself in the book. Can't Please everyone. Right? Then my female cousin who is 7 years older than me laid into me. I was wearing my new Free Pussy Riot t-shirt, which all the proceeds of the shirt goes towards the girls defense in Russia. All my cousin and aunts saw was the word pussy. My female cousin said, "Anna your almost thirty years old and you are still wearing band t-shirts, ratty clothes, bleach blond, messy hair. Sure it would have been cute if you were 18 or even 24, but by the time I was your age I was working at job I hate, and had two kids, a husband, a house, credit. but now its time to grow the fuck up".
I agree, but what I wear and my hair style have nothing to do with growing up. Getting out of my parents house, going back to school full time and become a teacher. She says, "You don't seem crazy enough to us to get SSD". Then I stuck up for myself and said," how many times have you visited me in the nut houses? How many times did you say you were afraid of me when I was manic, and how I keep myself locked away when I'm depressed. So I said fuck it I'm going to bed." Since everyone there was older than me, after my cousin's Tom Judas and Nick left. Nick and Tom Judas are younger than me.
I was told there wasn't enough room in the cabin for me too sleep, so I was to sleep in the tent my cousin brought. When I say my cousin who is saying I need to grow up, and who brought the tent, I'm talking about one of my female cousin's who is 37 and have a bunch of kids and jobs they hate. They always say in a condescending way, " Oh Anna, I wish I had your life, just sit around all day read, and write, watch your favorite TV shows". Fuck you bitch I like my life right now is what I'm thinking. Sure I'd rather be going to NYU this fall instead of NWTC next month for two math classes and a biology class, but that's life. If I ever want to get into NYU I have to take these classed and get super good grades. Take my ACT's and SAT's yet again and get out of this world scores. Then I'd be happy to have my SSD taken away so I could learn and live in the city that never sleeps. Have a crowd of friends with similar interests. Not just get married, get knocked up, get job, have babies, raise kids. I'm so sorry that's not how I want to live my life. I could never say that to them because they would be offended.
I set up the tent on as level ground as I could find with
the fewest rocks or anything to poke me all night. All I had was a blanket, a pillow, and my security blanket. I was far enough away from the fire that they thought that I was unable to hear their conversations, but I wasn't. I swear they talked about the title of my book for at least a half hour, and then my suicide attempts, drug usage, and general craziness. My female cousin said how she doesn't like her kids to be alone with me because I might tell them something I shouldn't. Like at age 14 she stole a car and drove down to Florida.
Now that her kids are getting that age, and they might do something like that, she doesn't want them to say, "well mom you did it too." I hope those kids are hullagins, but don't turn out like their mom's. I hope they have high self esteem, open minds, kind hearts. I made the mistake before going to my tent of telling my female cousin that I was basing some of the character's in my new book, "girls are stupid" after her and her twin sister's children. I don't plan on using their names and I'd never tell the kids that there are character's based on them in my book. My female cousin was like "please don't". Finally I said fine, to shut her up. I've already developed characters based on her kids and sister's kids traits. They are apart of some of the characters. Plus this book is going to be absolutely nothing like my last book. Its going to aimed at young adults. Going off point, I've been toying with the title a bit and I'm thinking a teen girl wouldn't buy a book called girls are stupid, but Teenage Angst might catch their eye. What do you think?
Around 1am it got quiet, and the fire was dying down. I was still wide awake, and around 2am I got up and got some water to put the embers of the fire out get a drink and pee. So I go in the house and what do I see, a couch no-one is using. So I go out and just grab my Banky and lay on the couch to sleep. Around 4am my aunt gets up and comes out her room and says, I want to sleep there, go back to the tent. So I do. Finally I fall asleep and don't wake up till 9am. When I got up I was swollen my hair was icky from the lake water, and I was getting dope sick because I usually take my dose by 7am. When I get out of the tent, everyone says OMG, you look rough. I felt rough, and they were teasing me how I was the only one who didn't drink yet I looked the roughest. They forgot how I jumped into cold water to save my dog, slept on rocks, was late in taking my Methadone dose.
When everyone went to breakfast, I stayed behind and took a shower. Eleanor stayed with me. After I was clean and in clean clothes and had my dose in me and a cup of strong coffee. (I rarely drink coffee, much less black) I decided not to take my Adderall that day, and instead took half a Clonazepam. My mom and Dad were the first back from breakfast, everyone else went to get Bloody Marys. Turns out my parents had a shitty night also. We all wanted to go home, even Eleanor. So we quick packed our stuff, and left before anyone got back. Did I mention we had NO, NONE, cell phone reception.
When we stopped at the gas station on our way home while my mom put gas in, and I plugged my phone into the car charger to check my emails and such. My dad listened to his voice mails. Turns out my dad's best friend Mike fell on his floor, and called my dad to come help him into bed like my dad usually does. He ended up laying there not wanting to call his neighbor because she would call an ambulance. Finally after he couldn't take it any longer, he called his neighbor lady. By the time she got there he wasn't breathing and had no pulse. She said she took about 15 minutes to get there. She yelled for help, and started CPR. When the ambulance got there they shocked his heart back, but nobody knew how long he went without air. Turns out he was brain dead. My dad was his emergency contact, and we were in that hell with no cell phone reception. So at the gas station my dad got the all the messages from hospital to have him tell them his wishes.
Did he want to live on life support brain dead, or did he want the plug pulled. By this time Mike's sisters had gotten there and my dad raced home and to the hospital we all said our goodbyes, and my dad told the doctors that he has told him he didn't want to be put on life support. My dad tried to hide his tears behind the news paper, but when he passed away, my dad went up and kissed his forehead and said I love you and see you sooner or later. Me and my mom cried and cried. (This is why I think Slaughter House five is bad luck) We stayed until they took Mike to the morgue, and we left. The hospital is about 3 minutes from our new house.
Thank goodness our new house has this special cooling and heating system, and you can set your air or heat before you come home on your smart phone. I know I never mentioned where I moved, but that's because I don't want anyone to know where the heck I live. Aside from I live in Green Bay still. No longer in the condos. It may or may not be the house in the pictures... ah, fuck you know its not. My dad low balled them. Plus we couldn't get a loan for over $200,000 dollars and that house was $224,999. Unless my Grandma borrowed up 25 grand. I wish! My maternal grandmother dislikes my father very much so. Long story for another day.
In other news, my nook broke. I had the nook first edition, and the warranty was expired, so for 30 bucks they would give me new nook simple touch with glow screen. I could have gotten a brand spaken new color tablet nook for 80 bucks, but I was using my parent's money, and I have to pay them back when I get my SSD money. All my SSI both state and federal go to rent and cell phone. So out of 700 bucks a month I live off $250 a month. No need to complain. I have my own space in this house, and rarely have to see my parents. I'm saving $150 a month to buy a new brass double bed (no queen) and some antique dressers and vanity. Plus a wrap around couch for my sitting area. Right now I only have one TV in my sitting area. The couch I want is only $350.00 so in three months I will get that couch. I want the bed to be antique also, but a nice new mattress and paint the brass white, and put a skirt around the bed. Oh man, I could go on and on about how I want to decorate my area of the house.
I'm done writing for now. I'm gonna go look though my diary and read what I was writing while they were talking about me around the fire when they thought I couldn't hear.
This post is dedicated to Uncle Big Mike. Miss you and love you!!!!
Live long and prosper