Friday, September 28, 2012

Shopping spree



I bought a cute dress for a wedding I'm attending, but I used my paypal account. I forgot I had my mom's debit card as the default card. I spent 89.00 dollars on her account for the dress, and then I also bought these cute black and white tights, and a pair of red tights for my red dress, that was only 20.00 dollars. It would have been cheaper, but I had to order 20.00 dollars worth of product for them to ship it to me. So I went and bought a couple pair of ruffle socks with bows on the back to bring the total to 20.00. I also bought a pair of black Maryjane shoes on eBay for 5.00 dollars.


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Everything same to a total of a little over 150.00 dollars. I thought I was using my debit card. I had forgotten I had set my mom's card as default a few months ago when I bought the red dress. Normally this would be no big deal, but my dad had paid the bills with checks, and he had it figured out so we would have 200.00 left until the 1st of October. Well my shopping spree caused some of his checks to bounce, and now my mom and dad's bank account is overdrawn. I am going to
pay them back, but I'm gonna try to do it without them noticing. I want to just put 300.00 dollars in their account to pay for my spree, and over draft charges. This is going to leave me only 160.00 some dollars left for the rest of the month. I have to get a hair cut, and that'll be around 40.00 dollars, I also need a carton of cigarettes which is 50.00 some dollars. Which leaves me with 70.00 dollars. That's after rent, and cell phone payment. I am responsible for putting gas in the car once a week at least half a tank because I use the car for going to the Methadone clinic every morning. That money is reimbursed by my insurance, but only 20 cents to the mile. Plus it takes a month to get to me. 

If I had known my mom's card was the default card, I could have asked her how much I could spend before they were broke, and checks would bounce, and then I could have just had to pay them back 150.00 some dollars instead of 300.00 dollars. Needless to say I took my mom's debit card off paypal all together. Now I only have my debit card, and one of the credit cards my dad got for me. I have to pay the bill of the credit card, and I have to pay it on time. He let me have one of his credit cards because it helps his credit report when he has a card that is paid on time every month. 

Shit, my dad is calling to check how much he has in his account. I have to go, and tell him before he figures it out. Explain that I'm paying him back plus NSF fees. 

I'll write more later.

 



Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My pissy moods, and personality disorder and crisis


Oh dear, I'm so mad at myself today. Yesterday I was in a pissy mood, and I went to catch up on my favorite blog...www.gledwood4.blogspot.com . I ended up  getting angry with him or rather angry with something he wrote. I'm not exactly sure what it is I got so mad at; I do believe it was that he complained about having a mental illness tattooed on his forehead. I said something to the tune of, "try having a personality disorder tattooed on your forehead, as well as a mental illness, and to top it off an opiate addiction."

When I went on to read his most recent post I pretty much told him I had thought he was gay. I only once suspected he was gay, when he spoke of having a "partner" in one of his posts or comments. I thought maybe that was his way of coming out. Turns out I was dead wrong. My dearest Gledwood is heterosexual. That's not to say if he was homosexual I would like him less, or treat him any different. He would still be my cyber husband.

 Perhaps the reason I got so pissy is because I read that he was attracted to a real women. I know that sounds down right crazy. Me jealous of women he knows in the real world. He's allowed to be attracted, or in love with anyone he pleases. Here in cyberspace our relationship is that of mere friends. We do not know each other personally. I only know him as a neurotic blogger with an addiction and a mental illness. I hope Gleds doesn't take offence to me calling him neurotic. I'd rather be neurotic than narcissistic or having a borderline personality DISORDER. Neurotic is cute and enduring. The other two are annoying and off putting.

I just want to make it clear that I admire Gledwood love, and I need to understand that his blog and his life are his to live and write about, and for me read and maybe leave a comment with a suggestion, not instructions. I cannot tell him how to live his life and what to change about either himself or his blog. I'm sorry Gledwood, for telling you  the way you take your medication is wrong, and the way you interact with doctors is wrong. You have your reasons for doing what you do, and how you do it. I may not agree, but it's not my place to tell you to do it differently.

Now moving on. My pissy moods yesterday made me decide I have to write about my personality disorder more. Not every day, and definitely not to self-analyze myself to the point of being a neurotic, narcissistic butt head. If it was only being neurotic it'd be cute, but I'm incapable of being neurotic without the narcissism.

In my opinion, not my doctors opinion, as I have asked my doctor this question, "Do you think I'm more borderline than bi polar?" He said, "No, because we've been able to get you out of a manic state with medication, and because you have delusions when you're manic." This is not my opinion as I stated above. It feels to me that I am super impulsive, and almost always in a major depression. (Until now)

Not at the moment though, at the moment I'm content. I dare to say I'm almost happy. The sickening thing is I want to be sad and depressed or crazy manic. It seems the increase in my dose of my two anti-depressants has curbed my mood swings and brought me out of my normal state of severe depression and into what I believe people without any mental illness feel like.

 All these medication do have their drawback of course. As I've mentioned before (many times) I'm working on a novel. When I write I have to visualize the story and what I'm writing about. Without the medication I am able to day dream, and go to la la land where I can visualize a story in my head easy peasy. Then I speak it out and work it out so I can put it into words on paper that make what I see visible to the reader through my words.  Now that I'm "normal" I have no imagination. I've lost the ability to day dream and visualize.

In writing my first book, a memoir; it was easy for me to visualize because I lived it. I just had to go back and retrieve a memory and write it out. In my first book I believe I didn't do a good enough job at telling my story. I was inexperienced at writing. I was more used to telling a story verbally. Giving the story a climax and a decline to the finish the story was easy verbally, which is why I now speak what I'm seeing in my minds eye before I write it down. Before my first book I had written a lot of short stories and essays. When I go back and look at them now I find I would either write too much detail about what I was seeing in my head, or not enough detail about what I visualized, and then glossing over details and just writing the facts.  Even in my journal entries I see my progress in how I write about a remembered event in words.

What I'm getting at, is I think I need to stop taking my medications until I've at least finished the first draft of the novel. If my councilor at the methadone clinic found out that I was planning on going off my medications so I could get my creativity back I'd be thrown out on my butt. If I were to tell my doctor he would cease to treat me, as it would be pointless because I'm not taking the medications he's prescribing me to keep me stable.

Really it's a catch 22, if I stay on my medications which are working just as any doctor could hope for one a patient who has never been stable emotionally and now is, but with this new found stability I've lost my creativity. I know what will happen if I go off my medications, I'll have violent mood swings from one extreme to the other. I'd either go manic and have delusions which will end me up in the nuthouse, or I'll become severely depressed, and attempt or succeed at killing myself. If I don't succeed I will end up in the nuthouse. So it’s a choice of no creativity, or creativity with a side of crazy and a ticket to the nuthouse. I WANT THE CREATIVITY AND I MISS BEING SAD. What is wrong with me, why do I want to be comfortably sad? What I think is wrong is my personality is a depressed personality, therein lies my personality disorder.

There is no cure for a personality disorder, so for the rest of my life I'll be going on and off my medications. I'll will take my meds until they are working really good, and then I'll miss being myself and will stop taking my meds. Right now I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I'm not who I want to be, who I'm comfortable being. I used to be Anna, a pathetic loser who wants to be the next great American writer, but doesn't have the raw talent one needs to write a great book. I'm a liar and thief. Right now I'm not that Anna. I'm some strange person living in Anna's fat ugly body.

Also, since I bleached and cut my hair I've changed. I'm no longer embarrassed to be fat and ugly. I don't feel gross for not brushing my hair for three days. I wear dresses that people think are Halloween costumes and I feel comfortable. I don't care what they think. I feel original, but the truth is I'm very unoriginal. I copied Courtney Love's looks from the 1990's. I make my own tee-shirts with markers. One says STD free since 2003 like Kurt Cobain used to do. I'm truly unoriginal and it makes me very sad.

I once had the "clap". When Pete and I first started going out and having sex I went in to get on birth control. I had had a pap smear done just six months before and I only slept with one person since then...Pete. I had to get another pap smear before I could get birth control. This was before I had health insurance and I had to go to Planned Parenthood for birth control. Anyway, a few days after my pap smear I got called back and told to come in a.s.a.p. I was worried because I also got a HIV test at the same time. So when the nurse told me it was just the "clap" I was relieved. I wouldn't care if I was HIV positive, but I didn't want to have infected my new boyfriend. Pete was waiting in the car for me, and I had to go out there and tell him I had an STD, and he needed to come inside and get a dose of antibiotics. It was embarrassing and funny for both of us. At first we were both uncomfortable, and then I made some joke about it and from then on we always laughed about it. I knew he gave it to me, but I said I didn't know who gave it to whom.

As far as my opiate addiction, I'm doing really well. Haven't used in quite some time, and have no plans on using anytime in the near or distant future. I'm more focused on re decorating my bedroom, and working on my novel. As well as working my way through the 100 books everyone should read list. My parents are letting me off the hook for rent until January. I should have my room done by November, but I want extra money to buy my mom an awesome birthday gift on November 19th, and get both my parents kick ass Xmas gifts.

Well, I've spent an hour writing this post, and I'm in dire need of a cigarette. So I am going to sign off for now. Don't worry I'll be back, I always come back.



Live long and prosper

Monday, September 24, 2012

The post I talk about reading "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"

I hate my face, I hate this place,and I'm strung out again: The needle tears a hole. The old familar sting.: The sun is out, and the air temp is 55 degrees F. I look out the patio window into the parking lot and wish we lived on the other side of th...

I want to breath you in like a cigarette


Remember when I said I hated the book "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"? Well after seeing the film I was changed. I was a fan...of the movie. I had never finished the book before I saw the movie. I had only read a little over 200 pages. I didn't even know about the rape scene. The director David Fitcher, the same guy who directed one of my favorite films "Fight  Club" was the director of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I had read "Fight Club" before I saw the film, I was expecting it to be let down. I figured that the book would be better, as they always (usually) are. I had no idea the director would pull off a book about a man with two personalities so beautifully. Well, he sure as hell pulled it OFF!! I ended up liking the movie better than the book. Rare, very rare.  

When I went to see "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" I had no idea David Fitcher was the director. I figured it out during the opening credits even before it said "A David Fitcher Film" His camera work is unmistakable. I became very excited when I saw indeed it was David Fitcher's film. As I had expected he turned a book I thought too "wordy" into a masterpiece. As soon as I got home I read the entire book in one night. Even though I knew what happened I wanted to see how close he came to executing making the book into the film. I quickly downloaded the 


second book in the trilogy when I finished the first, so when the next movie comes out I'm on top of it. I don't know who is directing the adaptation of the second book, The Girl who Played with Fire". I'm extremely excited to see if he or she lives up to first film. I've see a still shot of the second film and its amazing.

When I read The Girl who Played with Fire I no longer found the book too "wordy" or too "descriptive". I found the book much easier to get into than the first. I'm not sure if the reason is because I saw the adaptation of the book into film, or because I read the entire first book the day before and was in a hurry to find out what happens next? Either or, I flew through the second book in a day and a half. I wanted to read the third, and last book, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest", but I had no money on my debit card, and I was unable to download the book to my nook. I told myself I'd buy it next month when I got paid...I didn't. 

Before I knew it I was hooked on Victorian Literature, and didn't want to read any newer novels. One exception is memories, I'm always willing to read a good memoir. Certain memories I should say, drug and mental illness suffers memories'. I've been reading older books for a few months now, actually ever since I went back to the Methadone clinic which was a year ago on the 29th of this month. Yesterday I decided it is time for me to read a newer novel, because the book I'm trying to write is starting to read like an old Victorian novel. Does anybody else start to write like the author they are reading at the moment? I sure do. So I went to my nook ( I haven't read any books on my new nook yet) and I downloaded "The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest".  I started reading last night around 8pm, and I stayed up until about 11pm. I only got about 50 pages in if that. Again I'm having trouble getting into the book. So today I went and re read the last three chapters of the second book so I could remember what the hell was going on. After I finished those three chapters, I decided to write this post about it, and now I'm going to begin reading "The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest"

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Anna's Lies Unveiled

What do you think this post is going to be about? Do you think I aptly named the post? I hope so, as it is called "Anna's Lies Unveiled" I've been teasing you for two or three days now, and its about time I deliver. Me the liar...

Before we get to the good stuff I would like to say, my stats are way down again. My last post only 16 people have read. That is compared to earlier posts recently that were getting up to and over 900 hits on ONE post. What the hell is up with that peeps? Its disheartening to go from 900 people reading one post and having 1500 hits in one day to a measly 16 hits on one post and about 50 or 60 total hits in one day. I know my newer posts are rather boring. It seems my audience is not into reading about the books that I'm reading and want to read, or my family feuds.

I know my long time readers will be interested into what lies I fess up to, but I fear newer readers (the majority of my readers are newer, since I lost tons after lie fest 2011) will have no interest in my stupid petty lies told here on my blog last year.  Which I did to make my life seem more interesting when in reality it was as boring then as it is now. I just wanted and still want to keep my readers interested and entertained. From what I now know after writing about my mundane methadone maintained life and believe me, it does get mundane, is it's really not worth reading (or for me \to write) without a little fiction added for some excitement...sometimes! What I should have done is never fessed up to the lies I told here. But I did, and you can't un ring a bell. Of course since I cam clean, my long time readers doubt everything I write. When I have something big to write about, and I think no-one will believe it here on blogger, I go to one of my other blog(s) to write about it (the blogs I created when I "quit" blogging here) so I don't get harassed by anonymous  assholes telling me I could never achieve this, or that could never happen to me. I don't want the really good things that happen to me being shit on by jealous anonymous commenters .

I hardly ever get anonymous comments anymore. Ever since my "troll" went away I haven't gotten one negative comment. NOT ONE! I set it so when people comment the comments have to be approved by me before they are posted, and it takes away the fun for the anonymous commenter's. When they can't berate me in front of an audience they don't bother to comment at all. If they really hated me they would leave the comments knowing I would read it, even if nobody else did. My troll use to do this, but he stopped when he realized I wasn't publishing them, and I stopped commenting back to what seemed to other readers as comments from me to a ghost. I wonder...did I just fuel some anonymous trolls fingers into leaving hateful pointless comments?

Okay,Now its time for what most of you came here to read about. In the previous post I wrote yesterday, I admitted to one of the many lies I've told an ex boyfriend. I once said I had cancer because I was mad he didn't answer my calls all day on day, and I wanted to make him feel bad for not answering my calls. So in my sick mind I thought lying about a serious illness would teach him a lesson, that all my calls are important. *they're not* Instead of going into my real life lies today, I'll delve into my cyber lies in this post. Yesterday I went back and read some old posts to try an remember as many lies as I can.



How about I tell them as I remember, if they are not in order oh well. The first lie I ever told on my blog was in late 2010. I was still on methadone before changing over to Suboxone, getting of Suboxone, going back to heroin and eventually back to Methadone maintinece. The lie was,  I had a few weeks relapse and was using heroin again when I really wasn't. I was comfortably numb on my methadone, but I was blogging about being an active user. This one I told because my real life was super boring at the time. All I was doing was watching movies and journaling. (I never lied to myself in my personal journal) I ended up coming clean on that lie two weeks later. I just could not maintain that lie on my blog because since I wasn't really using and was not even craving drugs I couldn't put myself in the frame of mind I need to be in to write about using heroin. People forgave me quickly for that one.

 A few months later I said I had finished two manuscripts, when in reality I had only about 8 pages of a new book written and wasn't feeling it so I gave up on the project. I don't think I came clean on this lie until now. So no; the only thing I've written since my last book is little more than 20 pages on the new book that I'm working on. Those 20 pages are the actual story. The words are about as big as these you see here. I estimate I have 4,000 words, not counting the outline and character backgrounds I written for me to build the manuscript on.

 Then of course there is the one lie "the big one". The lie that cost me hundreds of regular readers. The first part of "the big lie" was when I wrote a post in which I said I was one of my (Anna) friends and I said "she" (me) said in "her" suicide note that "me" (Anna's or my friend) to update "her" blog after "her" death. I essentially, or rather literally committed fake suicide in cyberspace. After, people were actually looking up deaths in my area, and checking all over the Internet for conformation of my death, some believed I was dead, some didn't.

A week later I decided to come clean and tell everyone it was a fake death by suicide. I ended up telling everyone to fuck off in the blog post directly after the suicide post. I had hurt the people that really cared about me and my life. They really cared if I was alive or dead.Some cared very much. I did not know, I really did not think anybody who read my blog would care that much, or even at all if I really killed myself. Boy was I wrong. I was; at the time of "the big lie" in the depths of heroin relapse, and on one clear day a few days later, I read all the comments that people left who believed I actually did kill myself and how hurt they were, and how hurt they were in the next post when I told everyone to fuck off. I was touched by all these comments, and a few days later made a sincere apology, but it was way too little way too late.

 I didn't write much during the time of relapse last year, but when I did post, I said I was in Hawaii again. I wasn't. I was right here in Wisconsin. Using heroin, and lying about everything. When your using you once in a while have something to write about, but mostly its just the daily routine of waking up, being sick, getting money somehow, calling the dealer, waiting on the dealer, getting high, and repeat every four to eight hours. Everything I said that happened in Hawaii was a complete and utter lie. I had no boyfriend who broke up with me after he read my book. Instead of reading on the beach I was reading on my couch. I said I got really skinny, well I did thin out during that time, I was not as skinny as the old pictures I put up from 2008-2009 to make readers believe I really was in Hawaii. A lot of people were doubting me. For good reason. I didn't come clean on that lie until I left blogger for a while and started a few new blogs. On the new blogs is were I made my confession about not living in Hawaii.


So, that's what I can remember at the moment. If there are more they aren't even big enough to mention. I'm not saying I will stop lying, but from now on if I want to write an interesting blog post and have nothing to write about, I might make up a story, but I will for sure make it clear that what I'm writing is at least part fiction.


I really wanted to go into my "real life" lies, but there are far too many, and I'm dying to lay down and take a nap, so I'll leave that for another day and another post. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

I hope dreams come true


I know I promised a post disclosing all my lies both here on blogger and out there in the real word. At least as many lies I told that I can remember. Like the big one I told my ex-boyfriend. I told him I had cancer, and only because he wasn't answering his phone all day one particular day, and I wanted to make him feel bad for not answering my calls. Instead of just yelling at him, I make up this big lie. He's going to read this, and find out it was a lie. I'm sorry Peter, I'm f***king crazy. I have no good explanation as to why I made up such a huge lie, and stuck to it for over a year until we broke up. I guess I'm just a chronic liar. I lie compulsively and about stupid stuff that is often not even to my benefit. The cancer thing was sort of to my benefit because that night you were really nice to me, and bought me some Dilauded pills. After that you didn't seem to care at all that I had cancer. This is Just a little tease of the "Anna's lies" post to come soon.


On another unrelated note:

I'm re decorating my bedroom. I'm so sick of having such a huge bed, and two huge dressers. I do have a big bed room, but it’s cramped because of all my bedroom furniture. I want to put all my current bedroom furniture in a spare bedroom, and start my new room with a clean slate.

 I want to fit a desk in my room where I can sit and write while looking out the window. I want an iron bed frame like the one Kurt Cobain is lying on here in the picture. I've seen some other really amazing iron bed frames that have just mind blowing awesome bending of iron that looks amazing. Like the one below and to the side. Isn't that cool? It’s super expensive, and I can get an antique iron bed frame like the one with Kurt in it for 50 to 100 dollars. I wonder if Courtney kept the bed in the picture above? If she does I hope she never sells it, and gives it to her daughter as a memento. 

If I got the expensive bed in double size it would be great. You know what? They don't call double size beds, double anymore; they now call it extra-large twin bed. I want a good mattress. Dream mattress would be the Tempra Pedic mattress, but I'm not that rich. I will be paying for all this myself. I might have to borrow from my dad, but I will have to pay him back in full a.s.a.p. I also like the simple look of just a white goose down comforter and flowery sheets, and a night stand, and a hope chest seat at the foot of my bed. Like the one in the picture below.
 

I want just one dresser, a small one. A small vanity, and a medium book case, metal. Of course I'll need an antique desk by the window with a red comfortable chair. I'm having lots of fun writing this blog, and looking up Google images of the things I'd love for my new bedroom. I have a large framed print in my room, but I hate it now after looking at it for so long. I think I want a Salvador Dolly (spelling?) print for the wall my bed faces. I do love that melting clocks painting. On a side note I read that Salvador Dolly once covered himself in his own shit and went to his girlfriend’s house, knocked on the door, and stood there. He was showing how he's mere shit in her presence. Now that's an artist!

I'm so excited to go "antiquing" to look for all this bedroom furniture. So if anyone reads this post...I'm betting not many will, and for sure no one will answer my question I'm about to pose, but does anyone have any tips for antique shopping, and decorating? I'm a novice, the bed I have now my parents bought me for my 21st birthday and instead of taking my time to look around and think about it, I just went and picked out the one I liked best at that moment. I would never have had them get me the two dressers after the small apartments I've lived in before moving back in with mom and pops. I would have for sure got a extra large twin bed. That's just weird saying extra large twin bed. I wonder if it's hard to find bedding for a "extra large twin bed"? I guess well find out sooner or later.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Book vs Movie?




Sorry I've been away from the blogosphere for the past few days. I just had nothing to write about. I could have gone on a rant about my family, but I posted a video on youtube.com and yelled at them. They will probably never see it, and I'll never post it on here. I say their names, and they specifically asked me not to use their names in my blog, never said anything about youtube. So fuck 'em.



In other lame ass news that nobody wants to read about, I saw the movie Jane Eyre. Holy f***k it sucks. I've read the book two times now, and nearly have the darn thing memorized. The movie starts out with Jane running away from Thornfield after the almost wedding to Mr. Rochester and boom, suddenly she's at St. John River's home on the moores. Nothing about the trek she makes through the English country side, while destitute, nearly a beggar, and almost dead. Just as she's about to give up and die she sees the light in the distance, and she summons her strength to make her way to the source of the light, and watches the River sisters and their old nurse maid/ housekeeper through the window for sometime. After watching the sisters and their old maid she summons the courage to knock, hoping to be took in, and instead the door is shut on her, and her death is all but settled. She will die on the door step of The Moore house.  When just then Mr. St. John Rivers comes to her, after listening to all and hearing Miss Eyre give up and is ready to let God take her home, he brings her in. The family nurses her back to health, and she has flash backs to her time in Lolwood, her childhood home with the Reeds.
In my opinion they should have not even tried to make Jane Eyre into a movie. They focus too much on the tempestuous love affair with her master and not enough on the place of women in that time period. Her quest for purity, but unable to accept she deserves love. In the middle of the book at the first wedding seen with Jane and her master you know something is going to go wrong. Hell, you know from the time he purposes to her and the thunderstorm begins, and in the morning after the engagement the tree was hit by lighting and split in two. Their love doomed.
 


If the new Anna Karenina film is as bad as the newest Jane Eyre movie was I'm going to be truly disappointed. I think though Anna Karenina is an easier book to make into a movie. I can't explain why. All I know is I can make Anna Karenina into a movie in my head. The book is nearly identical to the film. The scene during the horse races when Voronsky's horse falls breaks its neck, and a man is killed, nobody knows who for a few moments, and in those few moments even though Anna was at the races with her husband she shows emotion and fear that Voronsky was the man killed.I could see how I'd film it myself. I hope the director puts it in chronological order and not skipping here and there.

I'm sorry that was a lame attempt an entertainment for readers. I could go on about my moods, but I don't want to dwell on my mental state too much. I've got problems. A lot of you have never read a blog I once wrote in another blog area about the biggest lies of my life. I think I will re do that post. I didn't even get to the good stuff in that blog. I was just unburdening myself of the lies I told here on Blogger to my readers and my family. Nearly all my family thought I was in Hawaii. The one's that knew I wasn't in Hawaii helped make it believable.  I will entitle the post Anna's biggest lies. I'm also going to start writing that bi polar essay I wrote over again. I've got a lot of positive feedback from those two posts.

And one question...why did so many people from "down under" read my blog when I posted my second three YouTube videos? It was titled Anna regales you with her voice. I got about 900 hits in one day on just that one post. Those are pre killed myself off on blog numbers. Now I'm down to about 100 people a day and those are spread out all over my posts. Not on one post and not all from one country. So what up  wit that peeps?

Friday, September 14, 2012

HI to you.

I'd like to say hello to a new reader. I won't say names as it tends to get me into trouble. I wish people would realize that I often think of my blog as non fiction mixed with a bit of fiction if the story is not that exciting. I do put up a disclaimer that people and places may have been changed, and somethings exaggerated for the purpose of entertainment. Anyway, Hello to you new reader. I should put that at the top of my blog so people know as soon as they come across my blog. That way last time I lied on my blog I wouldn't have had such a big back lash from everyone. My extended family wouldn't freak out about every little word I write about them. Sorry new reader to go on a tangent about stuff you have no idea about. Unless of course you are reading from beginning to now.

I don't know if everyone knows, but I added a video to my last post "Metamorphosis of Anna", and you get to see me when I'm not that happy. I made that video after I made a video yelling at my aunt and cousin who have said I've done things that I've never done mostly stealing things of theirs. When I was using I only stole from my parents. I was not in a good mood. So I wanted to show you how I am when I'm not super happy like I am in other videos.

What's new in Anna land? Well at this moment I'm uncomfortable, because my aunt is here and she knows I don't much like her. She just asked me what I'm doing and I told her blogging. She said, " I hope not about me". I said, No, its more about a new reader.

I've got to go. I might be back and update after this weirdness is done.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Metamorphosis of Anna

Have you ever felt you've outgrown someone as a friend? Conversation is no longer stimulating? Well, I feel like that with everyone I know. Including my parents. I ask my mom or dad a question and they don't even know what I'm asking much less the answer. My mom is a little closer than my dad. I don't consider them stupid, I don't consider myself much or even any smarter than anyone. I have just discovered new interests beyond my family or friends. I want to talk about Russian Literature, and English Literature. I want someone to help to speak Russian  or French with so I can practice and learn to speak it. I want someone to tell me where a semi colon goes, or when should I use : or even what the name of it is. (colon?) Fucking basics people. I'm dumb! I'm constantly on my phone asking Google questions. On my phone in the dictionary looking of definitions of words I don't know or how to spell or say. I have a English to Russian dictionary, and English to French dictionary. I want to buy "Rosetta Stone" to learn faster. I gave almost all money this month to my parents due to a large electricity bill. The bill was so large because I have to have the air on all the time. I did buy a new baby doll dress that costed 80 dollars. So now I'm broke and have to wait until next month to buy the "Rosetta Stone"

My math classes and biology classes are stimulating. I look forward to the days I have to go to classes. I wish I could go to a real college and go full time without loosing all my SS benefits. I can't afford school, my credit is damaged from medical bills. I  have an appointment to declare medical debt bankruptcy this week. Then I have to wait seven years for my credit to get better. The degrees I want there is no job market for. What does one do with a Russian Lit masters degree? Teach...and that's pretty much it. Write of course, but you need raw talent for that, and unfortunately God didn't bestow any raw talents on me at birth.

I want someone to read Hamlet with and study it with. Someone even to converse with it about. I guess what I'm getting at, is if there is someone out there that wants to Hamlet with me and we can chat about it, and email each other about we are learning. Old English wording, character development, plot development, why Shakespeare is considered the best writer/playwright of all time thus far. I would be willing to read any books you would like to read and talk about. Sorta like a book club. There is a book club here in Green Bay, but they are reading...guess....fifty shades of gray trilogy. I plan on reading the books, but I'm more into Victorian lit right now. Although I'm open to any books. I want to read Kafka's Metamorphosis soon. If anyone is interested email me at younganna@ymail.com or leave a comment down below.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

From dark to light in an hour

I've lost my way, no longer does working on my second book interest me. T.V has nothing for me in way of entertainment, it is but a distraction from the thoughts that rotate round and round my mind. I find only reading holds an interest for me, but sleep overtakes me after one or two paragraphs, and I drop my book and lose my page. Then I try to lay my head and find peace in sleep, but I find sleep will not come back unless I pick up my book and read. I've read the same chapter of "Tale of Two Cities" over and over dropping my book over and over when sleepiness overtakes me. I try to push on, but the thoughts going round and round my mind come back in and inhibit me from paying attention to the words on the page. So I've taken to my blog, to see if I put down these strange thoughts in words, I might find sleep or a peace in the mind.

At this moment, I find I CAN concentrate on what I'm doing. I should be doing this in the manuscript I'm working on. If I tried the character turn into me. I'm too self occupied.

I found out today that my psychiatrist has left and I will be working with a new Doctor. Getting acquainted with yet another Doctor seems like a hill I can't climb, I've climbed it two times, and I can't do it again. I'm suppose to go to the library today and print off a number of items that I need to have in paper form. Unfortunately I don't know how to hook up my computer to the printer/copier/scanner in one; we already have. I have a router, but no instructions to hook it up to my computer and printer. I'm too lazy to Google such things, so instead I hop over to the library and pay ten cents per page. Its only three pages, so all need is 30 cents. Oh shit, I just remembered I lost my library card, and you need it to go on the computer and get on the Internet and into my email to print off these papers. I have to print off this paper or I'll be charged for my nook ebook that I got for only 30 dollars because my nook first edition cracked on the sides where you pushed the buttons to turn the page.

I'm back...I just left and went to library for an hour and got all those paper printed off. Now tomorrow I got to go to UPS and ship my nook ebook. Getting out of the house, and taking an extra Adderall has really lifted my spirtis. I'm wide awake now. As soon as I'm done writing her, I'm going to finish "Tale of Two Cities" and since I took that pill so late in the day, I'll be up later than usual so I will be able to work on my manuscript. I'm still in Annaliese's childhood/teenage years. Plus I'm thinking of renaming Annaliese to Adel. Annaliese is too long to spell over and over. Second pov.

P.S. My mother is very ill. We don't know what is wrong. She been bed ridden for the past week. I'm worried.


Monday, September 10, 2012

My black wedding taken place in my bedroom...


I've lost it. My happiness has vanished just as a ghostly figure you see in the side of your eye vanishes when you look in its direction. I'm a sad pathetic human being, and old maid.

 I should explain what brought on this quick change in moods. Not my bi polar disorder. Perhaps my boarderline personality. Who knows maybe it just this marriage that took place over the weekend. It was a wedding of two friends of mine from high school. I should be happy for them, and I am happy for them as much as I can be. 
The bride is a great person, and she and her new husband were very close friends in high school. He was dating someone else in high school, but let’s call the groom "Jim", so "Jim" broke up with lets call her "Sarah" for a week or something, and Jim took his new bride on as a confidant.  Let’s call the new bride "Jamie". I don't know if there was immediate sexual attraction between Jim and Jamie or if it bubbled up when they realized they just clicked as friends. What does a person want more than to marry their best friend? I know that's my dream. I don't even care about the sex of this person.

Moving on, I've known "Jim" since we first crossed paths in Sunday school at age 9. He was from the public school, and I was from the Catholic school. He was so funny, even at that age his humor was well developed. I think he used humor as a coping mechanism during his childhood. His dad was sort of mean so I've herd. I don't know the whole story so I don't want to speculate. I do remember one time though, he told me he was so funny because at dinner he would do anything to make his 
father laugh, and it was hard to make his father laugh so he had to get good at being funny. During those years as an elementary student I "Anna" fell in love with nearly every boy in my class and the three classes ahead of me.

In fifth grade I left Catholic school and moved to the public school. Now Jim and I were in the same class.  As well as Sarah, and Jamie.Fifth grade was a strange year for me. I had left Catholic school before my friends, who left in sixth grade for public school. I was never one to make new friends fast, at least not close friends. So I didn't have much time to notice "Jim" as I was too involved in my own self-pity and loathing.

Sixth grade comes along, 1994. Kurt Cobain commits suicide. I noticed "Jim" because he already had the tee shirt with a picture of Kurt and his birth and death date. You know how having the same taste in music is important during that time in a young ones life. We hung around in the same crowds. I was "going out" with another kid in my class and it was serious or as serious as a sixth grader gets. He fingered me. I was 12, turning 13 that winter. I wanted to lose my big V little did I know... it was coming soon.

The summer between sixth and seventh grade I lose my virginity and start hanging with the "dirtballs" and not my old "good kids" crowd. I so wish I would have stuck with my "good kids" crowd. seventh grade comes along, and I'm no longer a virgin. Everyone knows, small town gossip travels fast. When school started, I dumpt the "dirtballs" and went back to my old friends. That winter just before Christmas vacation me and "Jim" started going out, but it was strange. I liked him so much I was afraid to call him, and he didn't call me. Then Christmas vacation came, and since we never talked out little romance fizzled. Never even a kiss. By the time vacation ended it was as if we never went out. 

That same year he was going out with my best friend, and I said something to make him mad and, he hit me hard in the face with a rolled up news paper. I had always known he had a mean dark side to him, but it was the first time it was directed at me. I don't even remember why he got so mad. During this time, me and my best friend started hanging out with "Jamie" and we had sleep overs, and wait...it was in sixth grade we became friends with "Jamie" and her best friend "Lindsay". We were quite a crew. Every boy loved my best friend she was a beauty even during the awkard years. I felt as ugly as the girl in the picture up top, and  I also felt stupid. Mainly because everyone but my best friends treated me that way. If I had a picture of myself at that age you'd see why. The dumb thing is because I never really tried hard in school. Plus I was in LD for math and English. So was my best friend. No one ever called her stupid or ugly. She wast nither of those things. I love her to this day. She never put up a too good for you front. Not to anyone.

I could go on year after year, where there was a few months every year that I like "Jim" a lot, and then I moved on. In high school we came close to dating, but somehow it was thwarted because I was just too in love with him and super shy, and his friends didn't like me. This was as underclassmen, by the winter of my sophomore year I started dating an idiot and stayed with him way too long. Still I liked "Jim", and whenever I saw him I wanted to make him like me. It never happened.

Skip to after graduation, his girlfriend during high school "Sarah" moved for college, and they tried a long distance relationship. This is when "Jamie" came back into the picture as a shoulder to cry on for "Jim". I was working at a bar, and was no longer ugly, I was super skinny with long glossy girls. "Jim" wasn't old enough to get into bars, but I worked in one and started a new group of friends. Older friends. I had been popping pills now for a couple years.

Skip to our five year class reunion. "Jim" and I are drunk, get in his truck and we did sex stuff. I was pretty drunk so I don't know if we had sex or not. When we went back into the bar. At the time I was homeless and sleeping on friends couches, the friend I was staying with at that time started beating Jim up. I was just this guy’s roommate. He had a girlfriend. By that time I was super strung out, and living on only one 30 mg Morphine sulfate a day, so I drank all the time. Soon I was put in rehab, and then Hawaii, and "Jim" and I talked once or twice on MySpace, by this time he was with "Jamie" and they were serious.

Since then I haven't seen or heard from him. I once emailed him and told him how I feel and asked if he liked more than just friends. He said no. I lived, and used heroin as usual. I was high when I emailed him, and wanted to take it back. Now I don't want to see him because things would be weird between us.

To now, I don't think of him much, but I dream about him at least once a week. When I wake up I think of him for a second or two and move on. I don't know why he's the one I dream about. Am I in love with him? Why is he in my subconscious and stuck there? 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Well, hello there Australia

The reason I entitled my blog "Well, hello there Australia" is because I'm getting more readers from the "down under" than I am from the U.S. or Great Britain. Crazy huh?! So why are so many of you Aussies  taking peeks at my blog? Just in the past few days since I put up my youtube videos when I look at my stats have soared!


I'm getting 5-10 minute hits from all over the Australian country. I've never seen  anything like it. I'm betting most were first time visitors who took time to only watch the videos, but not to read the context. Thats not a bad thing. I understand such things. We are a social media society and are more inclined to watch things rather than read things. I wonder if I made a movie of my book and put it on youtube would more people watch it than have bought it in book form? It wouldn't take much to out sell my books sales, that's for sure. I don't even want to get into it.  I'm just going to say you can now buy my book in brick and mortar stores not just online now. I think the vanity press I used is ripping off my royalties. I looked up the publishers on google and one said, "Trafford frauds" or something of the sort. Something to do with money laundering, and all kinds of bad stuff. It was just one blog post, by a former employee. So I don't know if she's disgruntled or if she's for real. I called the publisher as soon as I read it, and lied and said its all over facebook and twitter that your publishing company and parent company Authorhouse are frauds. They told me to disregard it, and then I said, "I can't its everywhere, Yahoo news, Google news, etc..." and when she went to ask her manager what its all about they hung up on me. I bet I gave them a scare lol!  They never asked me my name or my books name. So they know its a prank call now, I wonder if they looked on the web to see if it was true. There I go, I said I wasn't going to go into it, and I went into it.

Again I understand why my stats soared when I put up video (pre fake suicide numbers) but it makes me sad, that my pre youtube video posts on my blog posts and my only words posts aren't as entertaining as "I" presumably am in person. Makes me feel like a failure as a blogger. Then I read www.Gledwood4.blogspot.com post all about me, and he brought up my biggest lie on this blog, "The fake suicide", for those of you who don't know about my fake suicide it was last summer and I had been on a relapse (heroin), in and out of the nut house since spring all the way until the fall; when I got back on methadone and stopped using everyday. I hadn't blogging much during that time period. So I thought it would be a good time to end my blog. I was suicidal at the time so I figured I'd write the post as if it had been written by a friend after I had "put a gun to my head, and painted the walls with my blood and brains." (the words I used) Holly shit! Did I upset people...I had no idea people gave a shit about me. I knew Gledwood did, and Sarcastic Bastard (who hasn't been back since) cared, but not the people that came out of the woodwork. Hands down stupidest thing I've done on my blog thus far. I deserved the backlash I got. I was going to put up a link to that post here, but I think I deleted it one day or something; because I can't find it anywhere. If you want to look for it, its called Anna Young 2/2/1983-6/16/2011. Its one of my most read posts.

Oh yes, someone I think Maureen said I sound manic in my videos. I'd say I'm hypo manic. If I go into a full on mania again or I should say when I do I'll have my mom video take me on my or her phone. If I'm super depressed I probably won't put up a video because first off it would suck...I'd talk about killing myself
the whole time and be listless, with no lipstick and my pink glasses or my new purple glasses, no contacts. I'll leave to you thoughts. All my love to every country who reads me. To everyone from every country. I feel bad for those that come here and you can translate the words, but not my speech on the videos. I will send blogger some feedback about that.  My nose looks so big in the picture. I have a really small nose as you can tell from other photos. Oh well. Anyway these are my new glasses.



One of my first videos. Just thought I'd put it up for those who haven't seen any yet.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Anna Regales you with her voice....beautiful voice

Hey there peeps. I've made three new videos for everyone to watch today or any day you come across it. You get to see how inarticulate I am. I just go fly by the seat of my pants or dress and start talking and singing. There are a few funny parts. This one part I thought was funny is when I'm trying to give out www.gledwood4.blogspot.com and I forgot how to spell Gled, but I remembered the wood. Then in the second video is where I really hit my stride in comedy. I only made a third video to comment on my second video.

I'm really liking this video blog thing, but I have to remind myself that I come here to write. I love words. Like my family finds me abhorrent. Use big words and maybe my family won't understand. Just kidding. My family isn't stupid. I'm sure they know the meaning of abhorrent. There are context clues. oooo, gotcha.

I wish I could write a real blog today, but I've been getting hounded by my cyber husband for more videos, and I can't disappoint my cyber hubby.

With no further ado I present to you Anna Grace..........


                                                                                              



Wednesday, September 5, 2012

For my fucked up family from their fucked up cousin, niece

OMFG, my once favorite side the family is all in a tizzy because I wrote about my cousin who once stole a car and drove to Florida...when she was 14. Like anyone gives a shit anymore. She was 14, we've all done stupid shit between 13 and 20. I really could give a shit if they all hate me. I feel bad when my mom comes home from swimming with my aunt Debbie and Debbie makes her feels like shit, because she accuses me of making my cousin take drugs. My favorite cousin who is not at all into drugs, and she says I gave him Heroin in some pink baggie. First off I don't even have a way to get heroin right now, and I'm not going to spend 50 dollars on a bag for someone who has no idea how to shoot up, and no inclination to even try shooting up.


 Leave him the fuck out of it. So then they probably think its coke, I hate coke, and that's 100 dollars for bag, nope I'm not going to spend a 100 dollars on a bag of coke. Coke is the worst drug out there IMO. Hey, you should of told me it was someone we both know. I know your aunt, and Tammy. I figured Tammy because of her nature. I doubt Amanda would read my blog everyday all day. Seems as though she is though. Ha, I said your name, are you gonna sue me? e
Really I could care less if the family is all up in a roar about my blog...once again. The thing that caused me to write this blog, is because your bringing a person into that has nothing to do with it. I exaggerated in one blog, and he gets blamed for it. NOT FAIR. How many times have I lied in my blog posts?


 If you found this in a pink Ziploc baggie...then maybe he is doing heroin. I highly doubt it because he hates the fact that I've done that shit, and he's cried when he found out I was using again. He's told me he thinks its disgusting, and degrading. Sure I know drugs do come in little Ziploc baggies, but so do earrings, lip piercings, bellybutton rings, buttons. Usually the Ziploc bags that have drugs in them have a cartoon character on them and they are tiny bags. Mostly for black tar heroin, or one small bud of grass, one rock of crack. Take a picture of this Ziploc baggie and I'll be able to tell if its for drugs or not. It depends on the size.
Is anyone else as sick of drug talking, reading, thinking, writing, about drugs as I am? I've wasted my entire adult life on that shit. I'm not gonna turn my family on to it. I wouldn't turn my worst enemy on to them.

So I don't care what the hell you say about me. Leave my parents out of it. Leave Tom Judas out of it. They have no control over what I write, read, say, etc.. Leave Tom Judas alone, he has no idea what you guys are talking about. Show him these pictures I bet he can't tell which one's H and which ones Coke. I have that much faith that he doesn't do drugs. Hard drugs. He might of tried pot, but I never asked him, and he never offered any information. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Reaction to youtube video



So I see some of you've seen the animated version of Anna. As per Gledwood's question I was not high, but I was on my prescription medication Adderall.  I do have a high voice, but in the video its about one octave higher because I was a bit nervous. I didn't know what to say. I just know that one guy got a million dollars just by asking for it form rich people, and I hoped the same would happen for me. I'm beginning to think it's not going to happen. I think tomorrow I'll make another video and this time hopefully I won't be as nervous. Maybe my voice is that high, and this is the first time I've ever really noticed it. It is the first time I've seen my facial expression's played back to me while I'm talking, and holy crap do I use my hands a lot, and move my eyes a lot. Plus that double chin. Icky!! The third video I didn't post, and hope no-one ever finds because I'm just babbling on and on worse than in the first two.
I don't know what I should talk about in my next video. I don't want to script it and look like an idiot. Maybe I'll sing and look like an idiot. As you see I can sing soprano. When I sing along to Nirvana I'm always trying to lower my voice, but I always end  up going really high. One more thing on the video, I hate that I talked about grunge music. I hate that I said Grunge died in 1994, because Hole had a good album and toured for a year on that album. So 1995 is the year grunge died. 1994 is when the creator of grunge died. I know there is other grunge bands aside from Nirvana and Hole. My favorite album by Hole is the their first...Pretty on the Inside, and that was more punk. Bikini Kill, and Courtney Loves arch nemesis Toby Vail was the drummer in Bikini Kill and they are punk for sure. Riot Girl movement. I know the girl is like grllll or something. Can't forget Babes in Toyland. A girl semi grunge semi punk semi pop band. Does semi mean half or part?


Okay, enough about youtube videos and Grunge music. More will come. Not all will posted on here, but on facebook most will be posted, and on  google+ . Jimminy Christmas its hot as a bitch here in Green Bay. Its as humid as it gets, and I have the air on high, but still I'm sweating like a piglet. I've been re reading Jane Eyre. I was going to read Tale of Two Cities, but I realized I had never wrote a book report on it, or not one I can find at least. Plus when I'm done reading I start to think in Victorian speak. Thout shall be in the drawing room at 20 past 9.That's not a good example, but last night when I sat up till 4am reading when I'd go sit over by the window and smoke, I'd think in old English.

You know when I start writing about what I'm reading I've run out of topics to write about. Oh yeah, back to youtube, I can take cell phone video and show you all, the dresser I have full of journals. A dresser and one chore of a nightstand. Well enough for today.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

My youtube virginity has been taken...by me

Here is my second youtube.com video...the second is at the bottom.
So I've made my first appearance on youtube. I'm told its rather funny. I think you will be able to tell what mood I'm in when I made the video(s). I was just being me, and trying to get someone rich to give me a million dollars, like that one guy who went on youtube and asked for 1 million dollars and received 1 million from a wealthy person. I hate the third video, but I don't know how to delete it off youtube. I was surprised how easy it was to post a video to youtube. Enough about my first youtube post, you'll soon get to see it. Its at the bottom of my post. Only two you can try to find the one I hate on youtube. I haven't been able to find it myself. I only know how to get to it by signing in  and going to my videos. On one last note....LOVE MAKING VIDEO OF MYSELF AND KNOWING PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE IT!!

So my family is pissed off about my post...I don't remember the title, but it was about our family trip up north and our stay at a cabin. That's why is " I will never take this post down. FU.  Because my whole family tried to get me to take it down. I admitted that the part of my "female cousin" was elaborated. She wasn't mean to me. She's more mad about me writing about her. I never said her name, but this other family member who reads my blog and is super nosey, and annoying emailed a blurb of the blog to her.  Knowing it was her from one specific event I mentioned. So Tammy, I know your out there, and well, you never told me not to use your name, so....I am,and please don't try to cause trouble any more. Plus get over one of my family members husbands he doesn't love you or even like you. The picture above is just showing who the family is mad at. I mean can you expect a 29 year old fat girl wearing a little girl dress adhere to the rules society and family set for her? I think not.

I just started a war. Oh well. I hate leaving the house and having to visit people or having people visit me so no skin off my teeth.

So here's Anna Grace's first appearance on youtube.com