Saturday, September 22, 2012

Anna's Lies Unveiled

What do you think this post is going to be about? Do you think I aptly named the post? I hope so, as it is called "Anna's Lies Unveiled" I've been teasing you for two or three days now, and its about time I deliver. Me the liar...

Before we get to the good stuff I would like to say, my stats are way down again. My last post only 16 people have read. That is compared to earlier posts recently that were getting up to and over 900 hits on ONE post. What the hell is up with that peeps? Its disheartening to go from 900 people reading one post and having 1500 hits in one day to a measly 16 hits on one post and about 50 or 60 total hits in one day. I know my newer posts are rather boring. It seems my audience is not into reading about the books that I'm reading and want to read, or my family feuds.

I know my long time readers will be interested into what lies I fess up to, but I fear newer readers (the majority of my readers are newer, since I lost tons after lie fest 2011) will have no interest in my stupid petty lies told here on my blog last year.  Which I did to make my life seem more interesting when in reality it was as boring then as it is now. I just wanted and still want to keep my readers interested and entertained. From what I now know after writing about my mundane methadone maintained life and believe me, it does get mundane, is it's really not worth reading (or for me \to write) without a little fiction added for some excitement...sometimes! What I should have done is never fessed up to the lies I told here. But I did, and you can't un ring a bell. Of course since I cam clean, my long time readers doubt everything I write. When I have something big to write about, and I think no-one will believe it here on blogger, I go to one of my other blog(s) to write about it (the blogs I created when I "quit" blogging here) so I don't get harassed by anonymous  assholes telling me I could never achieve this, or that could never happen to me. I don't want the really good things that happen to me being shit on by jealous anonymous commenters .

I hardly ever get anonymous comments anymore. Ever since my "troll" went away I haven't gotten one negative comment. NOT ONE! I set it so when people comment the comments have to be approved by me before they are posted, and it takes away the fun for the anonymous commenter's. When they can't berate me in front of an audience they don't bother to comment at all. If they really hated me they would leave the comments knowing I would read it, even if nobody else did. My troll use to do this, but he stopped when he realized I wasn't publishing them, and I stopped commenting back to what seemed to other readers as comments from me to a ghost. I wonder...did I just fuel some anonymous trolls fingers into leaving hateful pointless comments?

Okay,Now its time for what most of you came here to read about. In the previous post I wrote yesterday, I admitted to one of the many lies I've told an ex boyfriend. I once said I had cancer because I was mad he didn't answer my calls all day on day, and I wanted to make him feel bad for not answering my calls. So in my sick mind I thought lying about a serious illness would teach him a lesson, that all my calls are important. *they're not* Instead of going into my real life lies today, I'll delve into my cyber lies in this post. Yesterday I went back and read some old posts to try an remember as many lies as I can.



How about I tell them as I remember, if they are not in order oh well. The first lie I ever told on my blog was in late 2010. I was still on methadone before changing over to Suboxone, getting of Suboxone, going back to heroin and eventually back to Methadone maintinece. The lie was,  I had a few weeks relapse and was using heroin again when I really wasn't. I was comfortably numb on my methadone, but I was blogging about being an active user. This one I told because my real life was super boring at the time. All I was doing was watching movies and journaling. (I never lied to myself in my personal journal) I ended up coming clean on that lie two weeks later. I just could not maintain that lie on my blog because since I wasn't really using and was not even craving drugs I couldn't put myself in the frame of mind I need to be in to write about using heroin. People forgave me quickly for that one.

 A few months later I said I had finished two manuscripts, when in reality I had only about 8 pages of a new book written and wasn't feeling it so I gave up on the project. I don't think I came clean on this lie until now. So no; the only thing I've written since my last book is little more than 20 pages on the new book that I'm working on. Those 20 pages are the actual story. The words are about as big as these you see here. I estimate I have 4,000 words, not counting the outline and character backgrounds I written for me to build the manuscript on.

 Then of course there is the one lie "the big one". The lie that cost me hundreds of regular readers. The first part of "the big lie" was when I wrote a post in which I said I was one of my (Anna) friends and I said "she" (me) said in "her" suicide note that "me" (Anna's or my friend) to update "her" blog after "her" death. I essentially, or rather literally committed fake suicide in cyberspace. After, people were actually looking up deaths in my area, and checking all over the Internet for conformation of my death, some believed I was dead, some didn't.

A week later I decided to come clean and tell everyone it was a fake death by suicide. I ended up telling everyone to fuck off in the blog post directly after the suicide post. I had hurt the people that really cared about me and my life. They really cared if I was alive or dead.Some cared very much. I did not know, I really did not think anybody who read my blog would care that much, or even at all if I really killed myself. Boy was I wrong. I was; at the time of "the big lie" in the depths of heroin relapse, and on one clear day a few days later, I read all the comments that people left who believed I actually did kill myself and how hurt they were, and how hurt they were in the next post when I told everyone to fuck off. I was touched by all these comments, and a few days later made a sincere apology, but it was way too little way too late.

 I didn't write much during the time of relapse last year, but when I did post, I said I was in Hawaii again. I wasn't. I was right here in Wisconsin. Using heroin, and lying about everything. When your using you once in a while have something to write about, but mostly its just the daily routine of waking up, being sick, getting money somehow, calling the dealer, waiting on the dealer, getting high, and repeat every four to eight hours. Everything I said that happened in Hawaii was a complete and utter lie. I had no boyfriend who broke up with me after he read my book. Instead of reading on the beach I was reading on my couch. I said I got really skinny, well I did thin out during that time, I was not as skinny as the old pictures I put up from 2008-2009 to make readers believe I really was in Hawaii. A lot of people were doubting me. For good reason. I didn't come clean on that lie until I left blogger for a while and started a few new blogs. On the new blogs is were I made my confession about not living in Hawaii.


So, that's what I can remember at the moment. If there are more they aren't even big enough to mention. I'm not saying I will stop lying, but from now on if I want to write an interesting blog post and have nothing to write about, I might make up a story, but I will for sure make it clear that what I'm writing is at least part fiction.


I really wanted to go into my "real life" lies, but there are far too many, and I'm dying to lay down and take a nap, so I'll leave that for another day and another post. 

5 comments:

Gledwood said...

I once lied that I was spending every day with a person who was slowly dying. I only did it to score points in an argument with a bitch from an old house-share who I didn't care for anyway. Usually, I don't care that much what anyone thinks who doesn't really know me.

When a person gets me totally wrong, I especially like pretending more and more ridiculously that I'm thick and naive and unperceptive. I get a real buzz out of this, knowing that a person who despises me is wasting most of that energy on something that isn't even true. Of course, like anyone, I can be stupid, naive, blinkered or blind. But don't think I am most of the time.

I wouldn't dare do this on my blog as I think people get me wrong enough as it is. Eg they assume everything I write about must be what I was thinking about all day. Or that because I explain something in detail to people who wouldn't know, that means I spend excessive time in self-analysis. Actually I loathe counselling-type situations where I have to look at my own reflection and totally avoid them.

Luckily in Britain psychiatry is almost totally oriented towards prescribing pills so if you're bipolar you don't automatically get counselling or therapy forced at you unless you really want it.

Gledwood said...

BTW the playing stupid thing: I have done it since childhood. When nobody seemed to listen to me anyway...

It pisses me off when someone listens to me speak for 5 mins and then says you're so intelligent. Normally because I am clothing the most mundane thoughts in slightly nicer language than average.

Saying "you're so intelligent" is like telling a rich man "oh you've got so so much money!" It ain't what you have, it's what you make of it (absolutely stone dead nothing, in my case) ~~~~ see what I mean?

Anna Young said...

Gledwood,

I hate to admit this, but since you are my closest friend here, I'll admit it.

I have at times assumed that what you write about you must be thinking about all day. I thought you were obsessed with your mental illness and having another full on manic episode with psychotic features.

I now understand that you repeat yourself so much because you're writing as if the person who is reading has never read your blog before.

You have to admit, you do write about your mental illness a lot. Not a bad thing, I for one love reading about your moods, and how they are changing.

I do not agree that with you about your wanting to get that manic high again, the type of manic high that is better than any drug ever could be, and its free. I worry that you do end up getting psychotic mania again, and end up killing someone else or yourself, not because you're sad, but because you're truly mad, batshit crazy, nutso, in some other dimention, whacko, whacked out of your mind etc...

Although I know that's what you want (not the murder suicide parts, but the natural high better than any drug ever could be high mania)so I hope that you do get a good mania on, but not a psychotic mania or mixed mood mania.

Enough about that. Onto another subject...we too are almost totally oriented towards prescribing medications. If you choose to get psychiatric therapy you can, but most insurance do not pay for it. Although if your indigent here in North East Wisconsin, you have to seek therapy before you see a psychiatric doctor to prescribe you medication.

As per the you getting mad that people say you're so intelligent after only speaking to you for 5 minutes. I wish people thought I was intelligent after speaking to me for 5 minutes. Everyone thinks I'm stupid because I'm not very verbally articulate. I use big words, and can hold my own in a coversation, but because of my voice and my facial expressions, my sarcasim and dark humor people think I'm a total idiot. More so when I was in highschool.

I remember this one particular time a friend of my sister had a yeast infection, and I explained to her that if she were to eat more yogurt and the bacteria in the yogurt with help neutralize the PH balance in your vagina. She laughed at me and told me I was an idiot for thinking there was bacteria in yogurt and that there was any such thing as good bacteria.

She made me feel so stupid even though I knew I was correct. This was in front of a bunch of my sister's friends and all them thought I was totally wrong except one, and when she back me up they called her stupid too, so she caved in and said I was wrong too. That's just one example of idiots around me not knowing something and when I explain it they don't think I'm right because of my voice. I wish someone would think I'm intelligent after only 5 minutes. The truth is I'm not intelligent. I am pretty dumb, but not a complete dumb ass.

Now that I'm an adult and its someone who doesn't know me from elementary thru high school. I'm seen more as a person with average intelligence or slightly above, not a complete dumb ass my sister's classmates though I was or am.

I think I'll blog about this.

I love you honey,
Anna Grace

Anna Young said...

Damn spelling errors and un deleted words sitting in the wrong spot. No wonder everyone thinks I'm dumb. I wish they had spell check for comments, and on Facebook when you leave a comment or message. Thank goodness Blogger has spell check, I wish it had grammar check like Microsoft Word. I sometimes write my blog in Word, and then copy and post it to my blog. Those are the ones that make me look less stupid. hahah

karl said...

Truth is nearly always weirder & more interesting than bullshit !