Tuesday, September 11, 2012

From dark to light in an hour

I've lost my way, no longer does working on my second book interest me. T.V has nothing for me in way of entertainment, it is but a distraction from the thoughts that rotate round and round my mind. I find only reading holds an interest for me, but sleep overtakes me after one or two paragraphs, and I drop my book and lose my page. Then I try to lay my head and find peace in sleep, but I find sleep will not come back unless I pick up my book and read. I've read the same chapter of "Tale of Two Cities" over and over dropping my book over and over when sleepiness overtakes me. I try to push on, but the thoughts going round and round my mind come back in and inhibit me from paying attention to the words on the page. So I've taken to my blog, to see if I put down these strange thoughts in words, I might find sleep or a peace in the mind.

At this moment, I find I CAN concentrate on what I'm doing. I should be doing this in the manuscript I'm working on. If I tried the character turn into me. I'm too self occupied.

I found out today that my psychiatrist has left and I will be working with a new Doctor. Getting acquainted with yet another Doctor seems like a hill I can't climb, I've climbed it two times, and I can't do it again. I'm suppose to go to the library today and print off a number of items that I need to have in paper form. Unfortunately I don't know how to hook up my computer to the printer/copier/scanner in one; we already have. I have a router, but no instructions to hook it up to my computer and printer. I'm too lazy to Google such things, so instead I hop over to the library and pay ten cents per page. Its only three pages, so all need is 30 cents. Oh shit, I just remembered I lost my library card, and you need it to go on the computer and get on the Internet and into my email to print off these papers. I have to print off this paper or I'll be charged for my nook ebook that I got for only 30 dollars because my nook first edition cracked on the sides where you pushed the buttons to turn the page.

I'm back...I just left and went to library for an hour and got all those paper printed off. Now tomorrow I got to go to UPS and ship my nook ebook. Getting out of the house, and taking an extra Adderall has really lifted my spirtis. I'm wide awake now. As soon as I'm done writing her, I'm going to finish "Tale of Two Cities" and since I took that pill so late in the day, I'll be up later than usual so I will be able to work on my manuscript. I'm still in Annaliese's childhood/teenage years. Plus I'm thinking of renaming Annaliese to Adel. Annaliese is too long to spell over and over. Second pov.

P.S. My mother is very ill. We don't know what is wrong. She been bed ridden for the past week. I'm worried.


10 comments:

Vee said...

Hey Anna Grace,
Sending hugs across the pond
Love&hugs,
Vee X

Bev said...

Anna Grace life is tough and good and tough again.I loved your videos.You write a certain way and your videos are a different way.You seem so happy and vibrant in the videos.I love that laugh of yours its catchy I see it and Im laughing just because your having a hilarious time.
Things will get better.
I hope your mom recovers asap.All my love to you & your mom and familyXoxoxo

C. Schmidt said...

Great blog. If you have time, I just started a new blog detailing my own experience with addiction and I'd love some feedback.

C. Schmidt said...

Awesome blogging. Great story, I'm there with you.

C. Schmidt said...

Awesome blogging.

Gledwood said...

The main psychiatric clinic where I live used to have NO permanent doctors and those you saw seemed to be trainee docs most of whom had no interest in psychiatry, so they were less than acute in their observations. Eg at least one seemed to think I had "depression with psychotic features" now I'm no expert in psychiatry. I only know about depression and a bit about bipolar basically bc I had a few self-help books and to have psychotic depression you need to be REALLY fucking depressed to the point where most people would barely be speaking at all, or so dangerously agitated they'd already be in the nuthouse. One reason he awarded me the lovely title "schizoaffective" is because the psychotic shit I get does NOT go in sync with my mood ie when I'm not depressed at all or manic or hypomanic I still get "voices" which are like words coming out of the air around me. Sometimes even the sound of my own pissing is enough to trigger something that sounds like the piss prattling at me! When I was really mad the voices got louder and sounded exactly like invisible people all around me. When I was extremely psychotic it was like being in a room with 20 or 30 radios all on talk stations. They usually say really bizarre and off-the-wall things that have no relation to my mood being either up or down (which always happens when I really go mad).

What a fucking ridiculous situation being mentally ill. I wonder what caused it. My family seem to think drugs. There's no-one in my family with severe mental illness (and it's meant to be genetic), the only mental illness I know about is depression that my Mum gets. Also at least one of my Australian cousins has had mental issues but they are more neurotic than psychotic.

You once said I was neurotic. Well fucking hell I get psychotic as well. Best of both worlds or what??!! I'm really glad I haven't got a personality disorder and I'm not talking about you I'm talking about my friend who is so impulsive she has swallowed jewellery as well as doing about 50 or so suicide attempts and some really drastic self-harm. It's all this crap that got her the diagnosis "borderline". Not the fact that she has schizophrenia AND depression on top.

See we are all a mess. You are borderline, bipolar, drug-addicted and ADHD. I am bipolar, schizophrenic, neurotic and alcohol and drug-addicted (though I have just given up drink. Again. Everyone I know seems to be a complete fucking mess. PS PLEASE don't take this as a slur it's really not meant to be my friend who is currently in hospital probably has the worst mental problems of anyone I have ever known. They are on a completely different level to either of ours...

Anna Young said...

Hi Vee,
Hugs and kisses to you too.

Anna Young said...

Thanks Bev, I know its hard to tell that I'm bat shit crazy when you see me in person. LOL!

Anna Young said...

Hello C. Schmidt, nice to have a new reader.

Anna Young said...

Gledwood,

I can't tell if your being passive aggressive. I love you. We make quit a pair. hahaha