Monday, September 10, 2012

My black wedding taken place in my bedroom...

I've lost it. My happiness has vanished just as a ghostly figure you see in the side of your eye vanishes when you look in its direction. I'm a sad pathetic human being, and old maid.

 I should explain what brought on this quick change in moods. Not my bi polar disorder. Perhaps my boarderline personality. Who knows maybe it just this marriage that took place over the weekend. It was a wedding of two friends of mine from high school. I should be happy for them, and I am happy for them as much as I can be. 
The bride is a great person, and she and her new husband were very close friends in high school. He was dating someone else in high school, but let’s call the groom "Jim", so "Jim" broke up with lets call her "Sarah" for a week or something, and Jim took his new bride on as a confidant.  Let’s call the new bride "Jamie". I don't know if there was immediate sexual attraction between Jim and Jamie or if it bubbled up when they realized they just clicked as friends. What does a person want more than to marry their best friend? I know that's my dream. I don't even care about the sex of this person.

Moving on, I've known "Jim" since we first crossed paths in Sunday school at age 9. He was from the public school, and I was from the Catholic school. He was so funny, even at that age his humor was well developed. I think he used humor as a coping mechanism during his childhood. His dad was sort of mean so I've herd. I don't know the whole story so I don't want to speculate. I do remember one time though, he told me he was so funny because at dinner he would do anything to make his 
father laugh, and it was hard to make his father laugh so he had to get good at being funny. During those years as an elementary student I "Anna" fell in love with nearly every boy in my class and the three classes ahead of me.

In fifth grade I left Catholic school and moved to the public school. Now Jim and I were in the same class.  As well as Sarah, and Jamie.Fifth grade was a strange year for me. I had left Catholic school before my friends, who left in sixth grade for public school. I was never one to make new friends fast, at least not close friends. So I didn't have much time to notice "Jim" as I was too involved in my own self-pity and loathing.

Sixth grade comes along, 1994. Kurt Cobain commits suicide. I noticed "Jim" because he already had the tee shirt with a picture of Kurt and his birth and death date. You know how having the same taste in music is important during that time in a young ones life. We hung around in the same crowds. I was "going out" with another kid in my class and it was serious or as serious as a sixth grader gets. He fingered me. I was 12, turning 13 that winter. I wanted to lose my big V little did I know... it was coming soon.

The summer between sixth and seventh grade I lose my virginity and start hanging with the "dirtballs" and not my old "good kids" crowd. I so wish I would have stuck with my "good kids" crowd. seventh grade comes along, and I'm no longer a virgin. Everyone knows, small town gossip travels fast. When school started, I dumpt the "dirtballs" and went back to my old friends. That winter just before Christmas vacation me and "Jim" started going out, but it was strange. I liked him so much I was afraid to call him, and he didn't call me. Then Christmas vacation came, and since we never talked out little romance fizzled. Never even a kiss. By the time vacation ended it was as if we never went out. 

That same year he was going out with my best friend, and I said something to make him mad and, he hit me hard in the face with a rolled up news paper. I had always known he had a mean dark side to him, but it was the first time it was directed at me. I don't even remember why he got so mad. During this time, me and my best friend started hanging out with "Jamie" and we had sleep overs, and was in sixth grade we became friends with "Jamie" and her best friend "Lindsay". We were quite a crew. Every boy loved my best friend she was a beauty even during the awkard years. I felt as ugly as the girl in the picture up top, and  I also felt stupid. Mainly because everyone but my best friends treated me that way. If I had a picture of myself at that age you'd see why. The dumb thing is because I never really tried hard in school. Plus I was in LD for math and English. So was my best friend. No one ever called her stupid or ugly. She wast nither of those things. I love her to this day. She never put up a too good for you front. Not to anyone.

I could go on year after year, where there was a few months every year that I like "Jim" a lot, and then I moved on. In high school we came close to dating, but somehow it was thwarted because I was just too in love with him and super shy, and his friends didn't like me. This was as underclassmen, by the winter of my sophomore year I started dating an idiot and stayed with him way too long. Still I liked "Jim", and whenever I saw him I wanted to make him like me. It never happened.

Skip to after graduation, his girlfriend during high school "Sarah" moved for college, and they tried a long distance relationship. This is when "Jamie" came back into the picture as a shoulder to cry on for "Jim". I was working at a bar, and was no longer ugly, I was super skinny with long glossy girls. "Jim" wasn't old enough to get into bars, but I worked in one and started a new group of friends. Older friends. I had been popping pills now for a couple years.

Skip to our five year class reunion. "Jim" and I are drunk, get in his truck and we did sex stuff. I was pretty drunk so I don't know if we had sex or not. When we went back into the bar. At the time I was homeless and sleeping on friends couches, the friend I was staying with at that time started beating Jim up. I was just this guy’s roommate. He had a girlfriend. By that time I was super strung out, and living on only one 30 mg Morphine sulfate a day, so I drank all the time. Soon I was put in rehab, and then Hawaii, and "Jim" and I talked once or twice on MySpace, by this time he was with "Jamie" and they were serious.

Since then I haven't seen or heard from him. I once emailed him and told him how I feel and asked if he liked more than just friends. He said no. I lived, and used heroin as usual. I was high when I emailed him, and wanted to take it back. Now I don't want to see him because things would be weird between us.

To now, I don't think of him much, but I dream about him at least once a week. When I wake up I think of him for a second or two and move on. I don't know why he's the one I dream about. Am I in love with him? Why is he in my subconscious and stuck there? 


Wig classes said...

Very informative and interesting blog. Thanks for sharing.

Anna Young said...

Sorry everyone this post is nearly un understandable. If I feel like it I may go back and edit the whole post. I'm reading a great book and don't want to put it down until it's finished.

Anna Young said...

Thank you very much Wig Classes.