Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My pissy moods, and personality disorder and crisis


Oh dear, I'm so mad at myself today. Yesterday I was in a pissy mood, and I went to catch up on my favorite blog...www.gledwood4.blogspot.com . I ended up  getting angry with him or rather angry with something he wrote. I'm not exactly sure what it is I got so mad at; I do believe it was that he complained about having a mental illness tattooed on his forehead. I said something to the tune of, "try having a personality disorder tattooed on your forehead, as well as a mental illness, and to top it off an opiate addiction."

When I went on to read his most recent post I pretty much told him I had thought he was gay. I only once suspected he was gay, when he spoke of having a "partner" in one of his posts or comments. I thought maybe that was his way of coming out. Turns out I was dead wrong. My dearest Gledwood is heterosexual. That's not to say if he was homosexual I would like him less, or treat him any different. He would still be my cyber husband.

 Perhaps the reason I got so pissy is because I read that he was attracted to a real women. I know that sounds down right crazy. Me jealous of women he knows in the real world. He's allowed to be attracted, or in love with anyone he pleases. Here in cyberspace our relationship is that of mere friends. We do not know each other personally. I only know him as a neurotic blogger with an addiction and a mental illness. I hope Gleds doesn't take offence to me calling him neurotic. I'd rather be neurotic than narcissistic or having a borderline personality DISORDER. Neurotic is cute and enduring. The other two are annoying and off putting.

I just want to make it clear that I admire Gledwood love, and I need to understand that his blog and his life are his to live and write about, and for me read and maybe leave a comment with a suggestion, not instructions. I cannot tell him how to live his life and what to change about either himself or his blog. I'm sorry Gledwood, for telling you  the way you take your medication is wrong, and the way you interact with doctors is wrong. You have your reasons for doing what you do, and how you do it. I may not agree, but it's not my place to tell you to do it differently.

Now moving on. My pissy moods yesterday made me decide I have to write about my personality disorder more. Not every day, and definitely not to self-analyze myself to the point of being a neurotic, narcissistic butt head. If it was only being neurotic it'd be cute, but I'm incapable of being neurotic without the narcissism.

In my opinion, not my doctors opinion, as I have asked my doctor this question, "Do you think I'm more borderline than bi polar?" He said, "No, because we've been able to get you out of a manic state with medication, and because you have delusions when you're manic." This is not my opinion as I stated above. It feels to me that I am super impulsive, and almost always in a major depression. (Until now)

Not at the moment though, at the moment I'm content. I dare to say I'm almost happy. The sickening thing is I want to be sad and depressed or crazy manic. It seems the increase in my dose of my two anti-depressants has curbed my mood swings and brought me out of my normal state of severe depression and into what I believe people without any mental illness feel like.

 All these medication do have their drawback of course. As I've mentioned before (many times) I'm working on a novel. When I write I have to visualize the story and what I'm writing about. Without the medication I am able to day dream, and go to la la land where I can visualize a story in my head easy peasy. Then I speak it out and work it out so I can put it into words on paper that make what I see visible to the reader through my words.  Now that I'm "normal" I have no imagination. I've lost the ability to day dream and visualize.

In writing my first book, a memoir; it was easy for me to visualize because I lived it. I just had to go back and retrieve a memory and write it out. In my first book I believe I didn't do a good enough job at telling my story. I was inexperienced at writing. I was more used to telling a story verbally. Giving the story a climax and a decline to the finish the story was easy verbally, which is why I now speak what I'm seeing in my minds eye before I write it down. Before my first book I had written a lot of short stories and essays. When I go back and look at them now I find I would either write too much detail about what I was seeing in my head, or not enough detail about what I visualized, and then glossing over details and just writing the facts.  Even in my journal entries I see my progress in how I write about a remembered event in words.

What I'm getting at, is I think I need to stop taking my medications until I've at least finished the first draft of the novel. If my councilor at the methadone clinic found out that I was planning on going off my medications so I could get my creativity back I'd be thrown out on my butt. If I were to tell my doctor he would cease to treat me, as it would be pointless because I'm not taking the medications he's prescribing me to keep me stable.

Really it's a catch 22, if I stay on my medications which are working just as any doctor could hope for one a patient who has never been stable emotionally and now is, but with this new found stability I've lost my creativity. I know what will happen if I go off my medications, I'll have violent mood swings from one extreme to the other. I'd either go manic and have delusions which will end me up in the nuthouse, or I'll become severely depressed, and attempt or succeed at killing myself. If I don't succeed I will end up in the nuthouse. So it’s a choice of no creativity, or creativity with a side of crazy and a ticket to the nuthouse. I WANT THE CREATIVITY AND I MISS BEING SAD. What is wrong with me, why do I want to be comfortably sad? What I think is wrong is my personality is a depressed personality, therein lies my personality disorder.

There is no cure for a personality disorder, so for the rest of my life I'll be going on and off my medications. I'll will take my meds until they are working really good, and then I'll miss being myself and will stop taking my meds. Right now I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I'm not who I want to be, who I'm comfortable being. I used to be Anna, a pathetic loser who wants to be the next great American writer, but doesn't have the raw talent one needs to write a great book. I'm a liar and thief. Right now I'm not that Anna. I'm some strange person living in Anna's fat ugly body.

Also, since I bleached and cut my hair I've changed. I'm no longer embarrassed to be fat and ugly. I don't feel gross for not brushing my hair for three days. I wear dresses that people think are Halloween costumes and I feel comfortable. I don't care what they think. I feel original, but the truth is I'm very unoriginal. I copied Courtney Love's looks from the 1990's. I make my own tee-shirts with markers. One says STD free since 2003 like Kurt Cobain used to do. I'm truly unoriginal and it makes me very sad.

I once had the "clap". When Pete and I first started going out and having sex I went in to get on birth control. I had had a pap smear done just six months before and I only slept with one person since then...Pete. I had to get another pap smear before I could get birth control. This was before I had health insurance and I had to go to Planned Parenthood for birth control. Anyway, a few days after my pap smear I got called back and told to come in a.s.a.p. I was worried because I also got a HIV test at the same time. So when the nurse told me it was just the "clap" I was relieved. I wouldn't care if I was HIV positive, but I didn't want to have infected my new boyfriend. Pete was waiting in the car for me, and I had to go out there and tell him I had an STD, and he needed to come inside and get a dose of antibiotics. It was embarrassing and funny for both of us. At first we were both uncomfortable, and then I made some joke about it and from then on we always laughed about it. I knew he gave it to me, but I said I didn't know who gave it to whom.

As far as my opiate addiction, I'm doing really well. Haven't used in quite some time, and have no plans on using anytime in the near or distant future. I'm more focused on re decorating my bedroom, and working on my novel. As well as working my way through the 100 books everyone should read list. My parents are letting me off the hook for rent until January. I should have my room done by November, but I want extra money to buy my mom an awesome birthday gift on November 19th, and get both my parents kick ass Xmas gifts.

Well, I've spent an hour writing this post, and I'm in dire need of a cigarette. So I am going to sign off for now. Don't worry I'll be back, I always come back.



Live long and prosper

13 comments:

Bev said...

Where you really jealous?I read the same post and I thouht Yay Gledwood is in love and Love is good and natural!I should have gotten jealous to.
If your his cyber wife can I be his cyber back street romance?I will leave my door unlocked for him and you can walk in and find him cheating and fall in love with my ex hubby.
I have a very over active imagination but I know you forgive meXoXoxo

Anonymous said...

Since you claim to be such a good hacker how have ou not found out that gledwood is a female???

Faith Bookworm said...

A little musical interlude to cheer you up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtgi-cfd7Z0

Faith Bookworm said...

& 1 more from Jesse Malin "Don't Let Them Take You Down". (I don't know how to embed this into the post.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSV8VLySxvg

Gledwood said...

That relationship only lasted from maybe 8 or 9 at night until about 10:30 the next morning when I got heroin and crack and she got a bottle of wine and we went our separate ways. Me to smoke the crack in a phone box. Her to knock back the wine. Probably on a the bus because she was too together to be a street drinker. She did have a flat that was v nice. And a drawer full of bipolar medications......

That one night was over 4 years ago. Maybe 3 years ago I passed her on the street when she was with someone else. On Monday she was half out of it and I didn't want to talk about bipolar disorder so I said goodbye and left. The only bit of conversation we had was that when we first met she was bipolar I was not. Now we are both bipolar. That's all.

The labelling business pissed me off enough that for years I used to feel I'd got away with something when my hypomanic traits and phases went unnoticed. Mainly because back then it was weak and v short lasting.

I used to know a guy with a borderline personality disorder which is supposed to be v rare in males. Anyway he seemed to wear the diagnosis round his neck like a gold medal and it was his attitude in particular that made me shy back from ever getting a diagnosis. I knew for years "something" was wrong and it was not just depression. Sometimes I thought it might be bipolar. Other times I just didn't know. But most of the time I didn't really think about it. I thought more than anything I was just a junkie.

Darlin' what is this new medication/combination that is working so well???

And do you really think it is medication or just a lull-phase?


ps like I said I have a friend (female) who has borderline personality. She gets really upset quite frequently. Ends up in psych units at least 4 times a year. I said "you're not just depressed, you're moods going up down up down up down constantly" and she said yeah. That is, up and down between normal and pissed off, not manic and depressive.

I am trying to forget all about the labels and like my dr said it is bad to think of a disorder as your self.

I think the term personality disorder is a bit insulting and from what I know, it originates from a time drs used it as an excuse not to treat difficult patients because they said personality disorders were untreatable. I don't believe that is true. And let's face it psychiatry has about the most disrespectable history of any branch of medicine. All the abuses that have been perpetrated in the past. It's scandalous.

Anyway darlin' I have to go; hope this comment makes sense as about to be timed out.

Take care XXX

Anna Young said...

Bev,

I really was a bit jealous. I think of Gledwood as a loner. It's not that I don't want him to be happy, or that I think love is un-natural.

I guess I want Gledwood to be just like me. I want to have a real life girlfriend or boyfriend when he has a real life girlfriend. If I'm single I want him to be single. I know its crazy to be attached to someone I have never met, and don't know very well. It's just he makes feel not so alone in the world. Like I'm not the only crazy loner with an addiction to heroin in the world.

As per your cyber relationship with Gledwood, I am happy to share him with you. I'm not sexually attracted Gledwood as I have never met or seen him in real life. I'm just his prude of a cyber wife who doesn't copulate with her cyber husband forcing him to seek a cyber sexual relationship with you.

Anna Young said...

Faith Bookworm,

Thank you so much for the songs. I really enjoyed them. Normally I only like sad and depressing music, but a change of pace is needed sometimes. Right?
Also thank you so much for the list of memoir's and bio's for me to read. I've already read some of them, but I've never even herd of others. I'm surly am going to download a few of the books you've suggested, and buy some paperbacks on Amazon.com.I like to have at least half my books in paper or hard back form. Something tangiable to hold onto. Do you know what I mean?

I hope you and I can stay friends. I still have to check out your blog, and as soon as I answer Gledwood's comment I'm on my way over.

Anna Young said...

Gledwood,
I've had many of those types of "relationships" in the past. Its just guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with, and girls regret the men they did sleep with.
I hope you're not mad at me. You didn't say if you were or not in your comment.
As per your question about my medication change that is working so well. Well, my doctor upped my Lexapro to 20mgs, and upped my Welburtin 450mgs, plus he took my blood to check my thyroid levels because I went off my thyroid meds quite some time ago. When he got the result back he found my thyroid function to very low, and he put me on the highest dose of thyroid medication. He thinks my normal mood is depressed could be helped if my thyroid were working properly.

If I do go off my medications I won't go off my thyroid medictaion nor my sleeping pills, or anti-anxiety pills, or my speed. Just my anti-depressants and mood stablelizer. Although I've noticed that the Adderall is contributing to my lack of imagination. When I take a small dose I can day dream, but if I take a larger dose I'm too focused on one task that its nearly impossiable for me to relax and go to "la la land". Also my anti-anxiety meds seem to help my creativity.

I've got to go, I hope I answered your question, and didn't end up causing more questions.

Bev said...

Oh okay you are the prude of a wife and he must find his thrills with me.Thats hysterical.
Gledwood dosnt find me sexy but he plays along nicely.What a kind hearted play mate :D
Anna Grace. Its been a while since you did a video and your videos are so much fun.
Will you think about it?XoXoxo
ps How long have you & Gledwood been married?

Gledwood said...

I wanna write a reply post but everything I write turns into this stupid rant about losing my mind. I must have massive issues around this because when I'm not saying how miserable and shit and depressed I feel I keep finding myself writing about losing my mind completely and I cannot even say why, because I don't know why. So anyway if I can come out with something that does make sense and isn't a boring rant about death, mania or other crappy topics I have hacked to death already then I will post it.

I didn't actually really want psychotic mania back. I just felt it was my only choice. To be depressed or completely crazy. What a choice.

Re borderline personality I read a horrible piece on it some time ago. All I know about personality disorders apart from the sketchiest facts distinguishing them one from the other is that they seem to have been invented as doctors' way of excusing themselves saying we cannot treat these conditions they are untreatable so fuck off. You are not mentally ill you are just personality disordered. When borderline personality seems to cause more misery and more chaos than most "real" mental illnesses. You know what I mean by "real" in quotes? I'm not saying borderline personality isn't "real" just that doctors want to get themselves off the hook for not having all the answers. So personality disorders are "untreatable". And psychiatrists are quacks. Simple.

Faith Bookworm said...

Jesse Malin has a lot of sad songs too - some of his slower sad songs are about bad relationships. If you like sad songs you should check out Johnny Thunders music. He's the guy with the black hair on the guitar in the New York Dolls video. Here is another book you might find interesting - an anthology on heroin coming out January 2013 edited by Jerry Stahl:

http://www.akashicbooks.com/heroinchronicles.htm

Oh and I heard Courtney Love is coming out with her memoir too tentatively titled And She Wasn't Even Pretty.

Ashlyn O'Brien said...

Whats up Anna Grace?!!! Ive been checking in as you can prob. see I love the clothes! wish i had parents. going through an exremely hard time fuck me runnin! dont publish this just feel like i know you im too depressed to blog im writing this cause im drunk. wanna talk to you UGH. GOING TO JAIL I THINK my # is 864 542 6569 xo ash

opiated said...

Figured you would be interested in this woman's videos about depression, being bipolar, and self-medicating...
A personal view of self-medication