Sunday, July 5, 2015
If he was out, if I wasn't alone, what would it be like? A non using H addict's life, well depression comes over me at times. I have to keep myself busy or I'd probably fall back into using. Can't get away from the drug, no matter how far I've tried to flee its reach, it has found me. So I'm learning to live with it around, and when it comes around get the hell out ASAP and remember that it's only four hours of peace before the beast crawls in and I'm out busting moves to get another 4 hours. Not worth the 10-18 hours of anxiety and hustling for a few hours of peace. I'm more peaceful off the stuff, on a more regular basis than I am using. Now my mind is occupied by other things and people. Love , lust, whatever has crawled back in my life. I'd rather feel the pain of loneliness without him, than the worry of losing him to an OD, or even the drug itself. He's a beautiful guy, and smart. Miss him every second of the day and night. Waiting for him is my prize at the end. Just please God, don't let him go back to boi. Let him be clean, happy, fulfilled. With or without me. Just give him heaven on Earth and I'll take the hell for him.