Thursday, December 3, 2015

32,closing in on 33yrs old and just now I see that Heroin, or any drug\mood altering substance is not a glamorous or cool lifestyle choice! What the fuck took so long universe?
 I guess I was 22 when I got strung out on smack, and before that I never really saw what being a junky at 32 would be like. Maybe glimpses here and there from documentaries about drugs, or read about the future awaiting me in books about addicts.  I wish before getting hooked I had to live with a older junky for a few months at least. To see the hustling I'd be doing just to feel normal. The pain and suffering I would cause those who love and\or care about me & whom I love and care about. To see how anyone I thought was a friend and was doing drugs with, was not a true friendship, but rather a mutual need to use one and other. Eventually one fucks the other over for a 4 hour high.
I only saw and read what I wanted about being a needle junky would be like. Sure my idols who were hooked were dead of suicide, but their lives, short as they  mwlooked, at  least from what the media made public about them, glamorous and cool. Plus they were well off financially if not down right wealthy. Their junky problems would be much much different than the average junky's problems are! I like to see myself as at least margially  smarter than the average person, in realty I am nothing but a pseudo intellectual. I might read a tad more than the average person I grew up with. Maybe kept my mind a little more open than my peers, even a little too open. That with a healthy helping of little to no self-esteem and self respect, vanity, valued my life and health not at all! Made fun of throughout my entire schooling. Sexualized too young by a pedophilie, lost close family member paternal grandmother, very attached to, passed away from cancer  at a formative age and a month and a half later suicide of  paternal grandfather carried out at home I lived in, body found by my father and the same night watched as my father drunkenly mourned his loss by trying to kill himself. Remember being scared, bending a spoon till it broke, not sheding a tear as my mother and younger sister plead with him to stop trying to kill himself. Suicide obsession begins within two years if that death. Age 9 I make first real attempt to kill myself by inhaling plastic bag, scaring myself and getting plastic out of throat never telling anyone about it until adulthood. Boy crazy 12-14, acted out as a young teen on sexual craving. Masturbatung using anything. Running away from home, hanging out with the kids who had little paternal supervision and considered hoodlums or "dirtballs" kids who hung out in our small town of 2,220 people, main street, drank alcohol when available and some smoked grass if they had the chance. Having sex with each other, typical small town poor family stuff. My parents were far from poor, and didn't let me or my sister run amok without supervision  and knowing where we were who was with. At 13 I rebelled and hard. Grew apart from my childhood best friend, as I wanted to smoke, fuck, drink, party, mostly craving for the attention of bad boys, but not being the best looking 13 yr old girl; didn't grow into my features until late 15, 16ish. By then I had lost my virginity in a way the whole school knew the next day, the boy didn't even like me; but I had a crush on him. Wanted to not be a virgin, opportunity arose and I put out/  tried of at end of 7th grade summer after running away from home from that night to kill myself with Tylenol. Wound up in my first Psych Ward for two weeks right before school started for my 8th grade year. Whole school knew about it, and I had almost fully pulled away from my friends and was bow a loner. Ate lunch alone, sat alone reading during recess, picked on by male class mates, some female especially older girls.
By the end of that year shaved my head, stopped wearing name brands, stopped trying to make friends and got into music and art heavily. Had a home computer with Internet back in the AOL chat room days, and spent most my time on that. By Freshman I gained some weight, and got a fat complex even though I wasn't fat, but not fit like my old friends who were now in sports and cheerleading were, still 14 my face had not grown into its features had bad hair just started getting longer after being shaved 9 months before. Sorta kept to myself Freshman year. Recall the disappointment felt that high school was the same as middle school that year. Got invited to skip 8th hour with a group of boys in my grade, and went to a house where one boy gave me 5 shot's of whiskey in a row then took me into a bedroom and had sex with me. The others listened or watched I was blacked out when I came to a different boy was having sex with me, slapping me, putting his penis in my mouth making me sick him off, then he turned me over on my stomach and put his penis in my anus until he came in my ass. The other boys had left school was over and busses had left already, he dragged me back to the high school as I cried and asked what happened. A girls basketball game was that early evening and a girl who I had been friends with in 7th grade took me to her parents house and let me shower and put on lost and found clothes, sobered me up, let me tell her what I remember ed but never said anything about saying no or claiming rape, I was drunk and remember kissing the first boy willingly. She took me to the basketball game and by that time when I walked in everyone in the whole school herd that I fucked two boys, with the same condom but turned inside out apparently. I never saw a condom, and recall cum coming out of my vagina and ass and in my hair. Word spread that my pussy smelled so bad like fish that e girls room this happened in knew sex had happened ed in her bed which was also broken apparently. I was called a slut until my mom finally picked me up. I never told her, but the rumors spread so fast that the next day I was pulled out of class by the vice principal and asked if it was all true, and if I said yes. I said it was true and I was fully aware and awake the entire time and never said no. The two boys were scared shitless I would call rape, and tried to reward me for not saying anything by telling me it was cool of me, but still when with a greof people called me a bed breaking slut they didn't stop them they just couldn't look me in the eye anymore, sophomore year I came back with linger hair, thinner, bigger chest, and my face had finally grown into its features, plus the boys thought I was easy and I was getting invited to high school beer parties in the woods. Made a friend with a freshman girl and she introduced me to a group of guys in their late teens early 20's graduated and©ir dropped out of high school and bought alcohol and had parties every night at their messy house. I had not had sex since the two guys blackout a year before, but still boys tried to get me drunk and alone see if I would put out, but I was a depressed drunk and always cried and wanted to die and would get left with no ride home from the party. Then someone told me that one if the older guys who lived at the party house liked me, and I had never had someone like me before and one night he asked me to go to a football game with him, and to the party afterward in the woods with him as a date. We hung out that night and kissed. And he asked for my number but I figured once he sobered up he's want to get with the pretty girls. He called me the next day after school and wanted me to come over that night and watch movies and drink beer with him. We were a couple ever since that night, and my life became not about school or parties, but being 15 in a relationship with a almost 21 year old man. He tried to get. Me pregnant at 15, but my mom got me in birth control shots as soon as she learned I wasn't a virgin back when I was 13. Being put on depi shot so young is one of the reasons I have very little chance of ever getting pregnant now as an adult.  My grades slipped and by the time I was 16 he was bringing me into the bar with him, and beating me, telling me how ugly, fat, dumb, unwantable, I am and how I was lucky that he even acknowledgd me in public. Every job I got he would sit there my whole shift and make sure iI didn't talk to anyone, one restaurant kicked him out and he slashed the owners tires and pulled me out if work by my hair,  I turned 17 got into the alternative highschool and got my grades back up, and was back with my class on schedule to graduate, early if I wanted, at 18 I became a bar tender and my dad got prescribed oxytocin 20's I was in cross country running and played softball for the bar I worked for. My highschool peers were not around, and my boyfriend could not keep me hidden anymore. I got so much male attention and met other people that liked the type of books and music I was into. My self-esteem leaped and bounded forward. My hair was to my ass and naturally wavy, I learned how to do my makeup by watching a girl who worked at the bar with me do hers. I applied behind my boyfriends back to schools out of state, and applied for grant's. I was accepted on accordance of my esay to  to Purdue university, and to both UW Oshkosh and UWGB, but wanted to be on my own and try and see what I was made of. I put off school to winter semester my parents didn't have the $ to send me to Purdue and they made too much for financial aid assistance, and I wanted out of WI so tenitiy accepted UW Oshkosh, more affordable. I packed dome clothes and canned food into s hiking back pack, read a book about hitcj hiking across the US, the day after my graduation party I cashed my check and put the cash I got from gifts into two bank accounts/  4,600 USD took $1,000 with me in a wallet type thing strapped to my shoulder laied under my right breast, put only $10 at a time in my purse, and before leaving grabbed my dad's only hand gun, a 9mm glock